Advice From God

Dear God,

I just found this video of Ram Bomjon, the mysterious boy that they say is the new Buddha for our times. But look at that long hair. Is that really Ram Bomjon, or is it just an imposter wearing a wig of long hair?

- Dorje

Dorje,

Yes, that is really Ram Bomjon, but I have some shocking news for you. Ram Bomjon did not actually sit under that pipal tree for ten months without moving, as his followers said. Ram Bomjon actually got up every night from his meditations to learn some new dance moves.

You see, Ram Bomjon has indeed been sent to Earth on a holy mission, but it doesn’t have much to do with Buddhism. Ram Bomjon’s sacred quest is to reunite the band Nirvana, as its new lead singer, and to bring a reconstituted Lolapalooza tour to Nepal, in order to stop the Maoist rebels and Nepals monarchy from fighting any more.

- God

Dear God,

I am totally Your biggest fan. I have read all Your books and I just love them, especially Revelation. It is so cool.

The other day, I was thinking about how amazing it is that You are everywhere all at once. The only problem was, I happened to be sitting on the toilet at the time. I wondered, should I go to the bathroom? I don’t want to go to the bathroom on You Lord, but if you’re everywhere in the whole universe at the same time, I really don’t see how I can avoid it. I can’t hold it in forever. What should I do?

- Penny

Penny,

In your lavatorial musings, you appear to have stumbled onto a conundrum inherent in the doctrine of divine omnipresence. That’s a lot of fancy God talk that means yes, I am everywhere all at once, and it does seem like a problem.
The thing is, Penny, I am not just in the toilet. I am also inside your intestines. So if you hold it in, you’re not really doing me any favors. Furthermore, I transcend time. That means that as far as I am concerned the food you eat is already excrement before you even put it in your mouth, except for communion wafers because they are magic.

Try not to indulge in theological speculation while you’re in the bathroom. Straining too hard to empty your bowels can affect the flow of oxygen to your brain, inducing a state of deep thought. Try to avoid that. It is not good for you.

- God

Dear God,

If you are all powerful like everybody says, can you make a rock that is so heavy that even you can’t lift it?

- Brad

Brad,

Yes, you smart ass, I can.

It is within my power to create a rock that is so heavy that even I can not lift it. Then, it is also in my power to jolly well lift it if I so please.

Got a problem with that? (Before you answer, keep in mind that I’m holding an unholdable rock in my hand.)

- God

Dear God,

What does Santa Claus have to do with Christmas? I mean, they say that Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus. So, then, what does some big old guy in a red suit from the North Pole flying through the air in the middle of the night have to do with with Jesus, who never went to the North Pole?

- Ferdinando

Ferdinando,

You’re making a lot of assumptions, both about Jesus and about Santa Claus.

First of all, do you know for a fact that Jesus never went to the North Pole? No, you don’t. Well, just consider this: Why do you think Jesus had a big long beard? That’s right – to protect his face from frostbite. It just so happens that the lost years of Jesus were spent not in India, as some have supposed, but at the North Pole, teaching reindeer how to fly.

Now, about Santa Claus. Well, see, what you probably don’t realize is that Santa Claus is Jesus, and Jesus is Santa Claus. People have been waiting for the second coming of Jesus for centuries, not realizing that he is already here. Jesus came back as Santa Claus. Both of them have big beards, right? Well, sure, Santa’s beard is white, but that’s because he’s even more pure now than he was before. It’s kind of like how Gandalf was reincarnated as a white wizard instead of a grey wizard. So, if Gandalf can do it, would you say that Jesus can’t?

Think about it now. Have you ever bothered to look at Santa’s hands? I’ll bet you haven’t. Well, the next time you see Santa, ask to look at his hands. You’ll see he still has the scars.

- God

Dear God,

Why is it that Dr. Frankenstein’s experiment, in which he used electricity to return a cadaver to life, has never been replicated by other scientists?

- Maude

Maude,

You know, I was there when Dr. Frankenstein raised the corpse up into the lightning storm. I was very proud, because finally I had someone to play with. For so long, no one every wanted to play God with me, and let me tell you, God is a very dull game to play if you’re playing it alone. Swell guy, Dr. Frankenstein. Sorry he had to die such a gruesome death, but that’s another story.

Anyway, the reason that all these scientists have been unable to replicate Dr. Frankenstein’s experiment is that they failed to accurately follow his procedures. They all think that they’re improving the process by not using the brain of a psychopathic murderer, but actually, that’s a necessary part of the technique. It turns out that murderers’ brains are better suited to resurrection. If only these scientists would use the right brain people would be replicating the Frankenstein experiment all the time.

Then of course, there’s the fact that the experiment took place in a novel, a piece of fiction. But, heck, some people say the same thing about me, and you don’t see me letting that get me down.

- God