Advice From God

Dear God,

I heard a rumor that the domain name AdviceFromGod.com, where the Advice From God column is hosted, is the target of an attempted takeover. From what I heard, an offer has been made to purchase the registration rights for the web site, though the amount of money offered for the site has not been made public.

Is it true? Are you selling your web site, God? If so, how much would you be willing to accept for Advice From God?

- Ernie

Ernie,

Yes, it is true that I have been contacted by email by someone interested in buying AdviceFromGod.com from me. Apparently, they believe that they can offer advice from God without having God actually providing the amount.

To heap insult upon blasphemy, the person offering to buy this web site had the audacity to suggest that I go to sedo.com in order to achieve a valuation of the worth of Advice From God. To think – these people believe that they can audit me, God, the almighty!

What makes them think that I need their money? What do I need money for, when I am all powerful, all knowing, and infinitely valuable? I already own everything.

So, although this offer has been made, I will not be accepting it. There will be no takeover. It’s a downright satanic idea, if you think about it.

- God

Dear God,

For years, the so-called experts have been telling us that we should think in terms of long term investment. Just invest your money and keep it in one place, managed by financial advisors, they told us, and in the long run, everything will turn out fine.

Well, I’ve been investing for forty years, keeping my money put, waiting for that long term pay off. Now, 80 percent of my money is gone.

So, what do you say, God? Is investing with a long term focus still a good idea?

- Ira

Ira,

Look at it this way. Let’s say that all that you own has been turned into a big pile of shit. Well, in a few years, that shit could be absorbed by trees, if you spread it in a forest. Then, over the course of perhaps ten million years, the trees that grew in that forest might be sucked underground by continental drift, and then with the great pressure of the earth, be turned into highly condensed carbon crystals – diamonds.

It’s all just a matter of time – thinking in the long term. So, yes, long term investment pays off, so long as it’s done over a very long term. Take ten million years, and you can turn your money into real wealth. In the human time scale, though? No, long term investment isn’t an effective strategy then.

- God

Dear God,

One of the biggest political divisions in the United States right now is between people who believe that cutting the taxes of wealthy Americans will stimulate the economy as a whole, and those who believe that the wealthy ought to pull more of their weight.

What’s your opinion, God? Do you support tax cuts for the rich?

- Humphrey

Humphrey,

It has been said of me that “God helps those who helps themselves.” What does that aphorism mean? It means that when you see something you want, you should just help yourself! Take it! Also, when it comes to diets, I disapprove. Cake? Help yourself! Ice cream? Help yourself!

The other aspect of that aphorism is that I believe that the only people who should get help are people who don’t need help. So, when it comes to divine intervention, I only come into the picture after the task has been accomplished. Sometimes, I’ll put a little mystical glow on it, so that I can take credit, but basically, I don’t do anything at all.

Thus, the world appears to be as it would if I didn’t exist at all. Oh, but I’m here. I’m just a divine libertarian, that’s all. I say that the best God is the God that blesses least. I may be omnipotent, but being omnipotent includes the power to not do anything at all. That’s what that aphorism means.

So, in terms of taxation, the way that I apply this fiscal theology is to just let the powerful be powerful, because, after all, they’ve helped themselves! Don’t tax them. Tax the little people who barely have anything to give! They have not helped themselves, and I don’t think we should help them, do you?

You know, my son Jesus once said, when he was talking off-script, that it would be easier for a rich man to get into heaven than for a camel to go through the eye of a needle. What Jesus didn’t mention is that camels are interdimensional creatures who can bend time and space to suit their needs. That’s why camels don’t need to drink much water. They just go into a parallel reality and take water from there. They help themselves! So, you see, camels can move through the eye of a needle very easily. They just go to a parallel reality in which the eyes of needles are as big as houses.

So, rich people can get into heaven easily, and the poor can’t. They’ll burn, burn, burn. Sorry, but that’s how it is, because that’s how I like it. The powerful prosper, and the poor can whine all they like, but there’s no reason for anyone to listen to them. If we did what the poor recommended, then we’d all be poor, right?

What, did you think the universe was a democracy? Heck no! I’m God, and I rule it all! There is no divine Congress or heavenly Supreme Court telling me what to do! I do what I want, and I own everything, and that includes you.

That’s the main reason I am against taxing the rich. I’m the richest person of all. Do you have any idea how much I would have to pay if I had to pay taxes? You don’t want me to lose my estate, do you?

Don’t like it? Tough. Go find another god who will help you – not that it will be easy for you. We all like to have things our own way.

- God

Dear God,

I’m a venture capitalist who has wisely placed all of his investments in companies that have failed, with insurance policies to compensate me for those failures. So, I’ve got a lot of money to play around with, even in these times which are difficult for most other people.

I like cars, and want to add some to my collection. Which cars do you believe offer the best long-term value, for a collector like myself?

- Ruben

Ruben,

For a collector like you, I would recommend Matchbox cars.

- God

Dear God,

I just read that you are acquitted by judge Marlon Polk after Senator Ernie Chamber from Nebraska charged you with crimes against humanity, for terror, death and destruction. The Senator wanted an injunction to stop you from continuing such crimes.

The judge said that an address is necessary so that the person charged can be informed about the charge and receive the necessary papers.

Since he didn’t know to which address he could send you his papers, he just had to acquit you.

So I wonder, how do you feel about this? Are you relieved?

Or do you perhaps want to be so helpful as to inform the judge about your address?

- Jo

Jo,

I can say this now, since I’ve been acquitted, but that judge definitely knows where I live. He lied about that.

How do I know that the judge knows my mailing address? That’s simple. It was written on the check I wrote to him, when I bribed him to dismiss the case. My address is 5320 Mountain View Lane, Atlantic City, New Jersey, 50022.

The best part is the amount of money I wrote that check for when I bribed the judge: Twenty Jillion Dollars. Silly judge. Didn’t he know that there’s no such thing as a jillion?

- God

Dear God,

I’m a forty year-old father of three. I love my family, and I want to do well by them, but I’m about at the end of my rope.

I’ve been working long hours at my job for years now, always feeling that I’m on the verge of achieving financial success. Just when I think I have financial stability in grasp, an unanticipated cost comes up, and I have to put my nose back to the grindstone again.

I want to make sure that my family is provided for, but I’m exhausted. What can I do to overcome my fatigue and re-energize my professional life to finally attain the success I’ve been working toward for so long?

- Eugene

Eugene,

When I get feeling blue, or a little bit lost, or not sure what to do next, I always invent a new religion. I find someone to be my special prophet for a few years, and give that person magical powers to impress the little people and get them to pay attention. Then, the followers of the new religion give me extra-special enthusiastic worship, convinced that they’re going to change the world. The prophets rarely survive for longer than five or ten years, but the believers keep on worshipping me in a new, jim dandy kind of way that makes me feel all rosy inside again.

Oh, wait. I forgot. You’re not omnipotent. That must explain why you’re tired all the time.

Hm. Have you tried pulling yourself up by your bootstraps?

- God