Advice From God

Dear God,

I was searching for information about the Inauguration of Barack Obama as our next President of the United States on January 20 this year, when I came across a web site promoting an inauguration demonstration to take place at a particular spot along the parade route on Pennsylvania Avenue. Apparently, this demonstration is designed to urge President Obama to work to uphold the Constitution.

Isn’t that what Obama’s promising to do with his Oath of Office, though?

Is it worth participating in this protest?

- Frieda

Frieda,

This is a matter of your judgment.

If you believe that a politician, upon making a promise, can be relied upon to keep that promise, then no, you shouldn’t go to the political demonstration.

If, however, you believe that a politician needs to receive pressure and input from citizens to keep his promises, then it’s a very good idea for you to participate.

- God

Dear God,

There’s a big scandal brewing about whether Creationist preacher Rick Warren should be given the special honor of performing an official Christian prayer to introduce the Inauguration of Barack Obama.

What do you think, God? Should Rick Warren be in the Inauguration?

- Kenneth

Kenneth,

No, Kenneth, I do not think that Rick Warren should be in the Obama Inauguration. Here’s why: Rick Warren is a liar.
I recently read in some documents from the Saddleback Church that Rick Warren has been telling people, “God
wants to heal your hurt and your heart in a safe, post-abortion support group.”

That was a lie. I have never been in a post-abortion support group, and I have never wanted to go to one.

Why is he trying to say that I, God, want to go to a post-abortion support group? It seems to me that Rick Warren is trying to imply that I have had an abortion. Frankly, it’s none of his business if I have.

I defy Rick Warren to produce a photograph of me attending any post-abortion support group. If he’s got the evidence, then he ought to come out with it. Otherwise, Rick Warren should just shut up and stop lying about me.

- God

Dear God,

I just saw that amazing video of that meteorite falling through the sky in Edmonton, up in Canada. In the old days, people used to say astronomical events like that were a message from God.

What kind of message is the Edmonton meteorite? Why do you need falling stars to speak to humanity?

- Horace

Horace,

I’m a bit embarrassed to admit it, but there was no message from me in that meteorite last week. I just dropped my car keys. I got a new Prius. Drives great.

- God

Dear God,

Sarah Palin has made it clear on many occasions that she believes that you, and not the voters of the United States of America, will decide who wins the election of 2008. Palin says that she supports you in disenfranchising the American voters. She says she just wants God’s will to be done.

So what is it, God? What is your will in the presidential election of 2008?

- Jules

Jules,

I’m a religious leader, and so I think it’s inappropriate for me to endorse any particular candidate for public office. However, I’ll come right out and state that it is not my will that Sarah Palin be elected as Vice President of the United States. Heck, I don’t even think she should be re-elected as Governor of Alaska.

Sarah Palin ought to know that there is a difference between her will and my will. She is not God. I am. I mean, our hair is nothing at all alike, and I don’t wear glasses!

So, on Election Day, my endorsement is for anyone but Sarah Palin and… oh, who is that other guy she’s running with? Well, what’s his name doesn’t have my support either.

You’ve heard the divine word straight from God now, so all you values voters out there know what you have to do. That includes you, Sarah. Obey the will of God. Don’t vote for yourself.

- God

Dear God,

I’m confused by an opinion poll commissioned by the TV show Religion and Ethics NewsWeekly. The poll finds that a majority of Americans believe that the United States of America has a special superior blessing from you, God. Yet, the same poll finds that an even higher majority of Americans believes that the United States often does more harm than good in the world.

That means that at least half of Americans believe that you, God, have blessed the USA to be the best nation on earth, and yet the USA messes up a lot of the time.

How is this possible?

- Everett

Everett,

Your puzzlement is caused by a fundamental misunderstanding. You believe that the blessing of God will lead people to make wise judgments in life. That’s an arrogant presumption. Wisdom is a quality of God, not of human being. The truly God-loving people of the earth have the integrity not to be wise.

Besides, how is anyone ever going to get to heaven without making lots of mistakes? You have to be forgiven to get to heaven, not right. I bless the United States with messing up a lot, so that Americans will have a lot more opportunities to ask me for forgiveness, and then go to heaven.

Don’t think about it Everett. Just trust me, and embrace the divinely-inspired mishaps of life.

-God

Dear God,

I just read that you are acquitted by judge Marlon Polk after Senator Ernie Chamber from Nebraska charged you with crimes against humanity, for terror, death and destruction. The Senator wanted an injunction to stop you from continuing such crimes.

The judge said that an address is necessary so that the person charged can be informed about the charge and receive the necessary papers.

Since he didn’t know to which address he could send you his papers, he just had to acquit you.

So I wonder, how do you feel about this? Are you relieved?

Or do you perhaps want to be so helpful as to inform the judge about your address?

- Jo

Jo,

I can say this now, since I’ve been acquitted, but that judge definitely knows where I live. He lied about that.

How do I know that the judge knows my mailing address? That’s simple. It was written on the check I wrote to him, when I bribed him to dismiss the case. My address is 5320 Mountain View Lane, Atlantic City, New Jersey, 50022.

The best part is the amount of money I wrote that check for when I bribed the judge: Twenty Jillion Dollars. Silly judge. Didn’t he know that there’s no such thing as a jillion?

- God

Dear God,

I heard tonight about the revelation by Sarah Palin at the Wasilla Assemblies of God church that a natural gas pipeline planned to run through Alaska is the will of God – your will. Is Sarah Palin right? Is it true? Is that natural gas pipeline your idea?

- Emily

Emily,

Absolutely not! I told Sarah Palin that I wanted a maple sap pipeline from the southern edge of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, where very, very short maple trees grow, down to the east of Juneau, and then right into a syrup evaporation plant in Kirkland, Washington, on the outskirts of the Seattle metropolitan area.

Why can’t Sarah Palin tell the truth about my divine prophecies to her and to the Wasilla Masters Commission? It can’t believe this is just a mistake. Who could accidentallly think I was talking about natural gas when I was telling her about the destiny of buckwheat pancakes?

I would never support a natural gas pipeline. It’s a contradiction in terms. Once you take natural gas out of the ground, and put it in a pipe, it’s not natural any more. People wonder, too: Is it the gas that’s natural, or the pipeline? A natural gas pipeline is an abomination to me.

I can see that Sarah Palin can no longer be trusted as the spokesperson of God. I’m going to have to start issuing my own press releases, and telling people the truth about what Sarah Palin is saying in my name.

- God

Dear God,

I’m confused. I’m watching the debate in the Senate today about the FISA Amendments Act, which would make permanent the Protect America Act, which allows the Executive Branch of the federal government to conduct massive electronic spying operations against innocent Americans without any search warrant, any judicial review, or any meaningful congressional oversight.

The FISA Amendments Act also allow the government to access private customer information and accounts held by any corporation.

The FISA Amendments Act amounts to a coup d’etat by the Executive Branch against the Legislative and Judicial branches, and against the Constitution.

But, it occurs to me, as I watch this debate, that if you are really real, God, then this whole government spying thing ought to be completely unnecessary.

I mean, it’s totally weird that Christian leaders in government are asking for such extensive electronic espionage powers. If they really believe in you, God, why do they need spies and electronic spying networks?

If they’re worried about terrorists, or other threats, why don’t they just use the power of prayer? Really. Why don’t they just pray on it, if they’re really Christian believers?

Why don’t they just say, “God, please tell me if there is any terrorist group who is going to attack the United States this week.” Then, you could respond to the prayer, and tell the President and his Cabinet if there’s any violent fanatic they need to worry about.

It’s almost as if the President and all his top advisors don’t actually believe in the power of prayer, and just say that they do to earn political points by adopting a pious posture.

Am I wrong?

- Diane

Diane,

Yes, you certainly are wrong. Very, very wrong.

You know how all the dinosaur fossils were created by Satan just to tempt sinful scientists into believing in evolution? Well, this situation is the same. Satan has created the appearance of a logical gap in the White House’s call for massive new spying powers, in order to tempt you into not being a Republican.

What you must do is just ignore the logical gap in the White House’s policies, and believe with all your heart that everything that George W. Bush asks for is honest and good. That’s the only way to avoid Satan’s trap.

Let the government spy on you, or you will go to Hell.
- God

Dear God,

Senator Joseph Biden has declared his candidacy for the Democratic nomination for President in 2008. I’m wondering, though, how Senator Biden thinks that he can win the Democratic nomination, much less the general election, given that Biden supported George W. Bush’s decision to start the war in Iraq.

If you were working for the Biden for President campaign, what would you do to compensate for this dramatic failure in judgment?

- Polly

Polly,

I would advise Senator Biden to do exactly what he has done in his campaign so far: Pretend that he never supported Bush or the Iraq War.

I am well aware that Joe Biden helped Bush start the Iraq War back in 2002 and 2003. I have a better memory than most people, however. Many Americans assume that, because Biden is a Democrat, he opposed the war and tried to stop Bush.

Many Americans also don’t know that two of Biden’s Democratic opponents in the 2008 presidential campaign, Barack Obama and Dennis Kucinich, had the wisdom to oppose the Iraq War from the start. So, if I were on Biden’s campaign staff, I would advise him to make more statements like the one he made in January, 2007, completely ignoring the early insight of Obama and Kucinich on the Iraq War. Biden derided these opponents, pretending that they had not said anything on the Iraq War until recently, commenting, “You didn’t hear any one of them get in this debate at all until they announced for President.”

You and I may know that candidates Obama and Kucinich had developed better Iraq policies than Biden years ago. Then again, I’m not registered to vote, and most Americans who are registered to vote don’t know as much about the Iraq War as you do.

It’s a sad thing to say, but Senator Biden can probably count on the ignorance of American voters.

- God

Dear God,

I just heard about the young woman who rode her bicycle across the campus of Arizona State University wearing nothing but a baseball cap, a pair of sneakers, and the words “Impeach Bush” written on her leg. In your divinely moral opinion, was she being lewd?

- Ferguson

Ferguson,

That woman was not being lewd, unless you consider politics to be lewd. Was there any sexual content to her message? She was riding a bicycle and speaking out about a political movement of growing importance: The movement to impeach George W. Bush.

Consider the huge number of legal documents and lengthy hearings that would be required to impeach Bush, and you’ll realize that it would be almost impossible to be lewd with such a message.

- God