Advice From God

Yesterday, Congressman Walter Jones stood in front of the House of Representatives and announced his intention to place the future of the United States of America in your hands. He said, ” I will ask God to give strength, wisdom and courage to President Obama that he will do what is right in the eyes of God. And three times I will say, God, please, God, please, God, please, continue to bless America.”

Will you do it, God? Will you continue to bless America?

- Gregory

Gregory,

To tell the truth, I’ve never blessed America before, because no one has ever asked three times before. I have my standards, you know.

Because Congressman Jones has asked me politely, three times, saying “please”, I have decided to finally bless America. I will bless America with an especially abundant crop of artichokes.

Letters of gratitude may be addressed to me, 1437 Mysterious Way, Firmament, Cosmos 97589.

- God

Yesterday, U.S. Representative Marsha Blackburn declared of the health care reform legislation that was passed and sent on to be signed by the President, “We know the consequences of this bill will be frightening and horrible. Freedom dies a little bit today.”

I don’t understand. This is a health care bill. It provides people with access to medical care to prevent their illnesses from becoming worse. It helps people not to die.

How on earth can Representative Blackburn say that this bill kills freedom?

- Edna

Edna,

You have a very small view of freedom. What about the freedom to get sick and not be bothered by doctors?

Before, a person had the freedom to not go to the doctor, with the excuse of not having good health insurance. Well, what can that person say now? Now, they have to deal with their illness. They have to get better.

What if a person doesn’t want to be healthy? How can anyone who is given good health insurance ever be called truly free?

- God

Bolivian preacher Jose Flores says that when he hijacked a plane yesterday, he did it because God told him to do it, to warn Mexico of an unprecedented earthquake that is soon to come. Flores said that you were his accomplice.

Is it true?

- Joaquin

Joaquin,

Some of it is true. I did tell Jose Flores to hijack that plane. I was his accomplice.

However, the thing about the earthquake is not true. I merely told Jose that in order to get him on the airplane.

I manipulated him in order to fulfill the true meaning of the book of Corinthians, chapter 16, verses 6-7: “And it may be that I will abide, yea, and winter with you, that ye may bring me on my journey whithersoever I go. For I will not see you now by the way; but I trust to tarry a while with you, if the Lord permit.”

- God

During her campaign for Vice President in 2008, footage came out suggesting that Sarah Palin thought that you wanted her to go to the White House, as part of your plan for the universe. Now that she’s resigned, Palin has suggested that the resignation is part of a plan for her to go on to greater things.

God, do you endorse Sarah Palin’s resignation, and is it part of a larger, divine plan for her?

- Merlin

Merlin,

Yes, I endorse Sarah Palin’sw resignation. In fact, I appeared to Palin the night before her speech, in the form of a wilting houseplant. I said to her, “Sarah, you must resign as Governor of Alaska in order to serve my plan for the Universe.”

“What is that plan, God?” she asked me. I told her that she had to have faith and trust in the Lord. So, she did. Now that she’s resigned, however, I can tell you what my divine plan is.

There’s a boy who lives in Juneau. He’s 8 years old, and he’s a good boy, and his mom and dad love him. His favorite thing is to ride his bicycle all around town.

Later this month, at 7:17 PM on Thursday the 26th, that boy is destined to be riding his bicycle at the corner of Mallard Street and Crest Street. At the same time, a truck carrying a box full of dictionaries was destined to be driving around the same corner, hitting the boy and killing him… unless that truck could be delayed for just a little bit.

The afternoon before I spoke to Sarah Palin, her advisors had held a linguistic intervention with her. They said that unless she learned to speak better English, she would never be a successful governor.

A few hours later, a teary-eyed Palin opened up a telephone book to the letter B, and picked up the phone. She asked the Hearthside Books & Toys store if they had any dictionaries. They told her there was just one left on their shelves, and asked if she would like them to hold it for her.

I saw my opportunity. Right then and there, I interrupted the telephone call and told Palin what she had to do.

Yes, Sarah Palin’s resignation was part of my divine plan for the world. Because Palin has yet to buy a dictionary, a little Alaskan boy will come home to his mother and father a few weeks from now.

- God

My attention was caught by a recent speech made by Congressman John Shimkus. Representative Shimkus said that he didn’t think that it was possible that there could be any global warming caused by human activity, because the Bible says that you, God, made the promise to Noah not to try to harm people with warmer weather or by flooding anything.

Shimkus said that he would base his ideas about global warming not on science, but on the Bible, because the Bible is your word, and your word is unchanging. Is it true, God? Is your word unchanging?

- Lorelei

Lorelei,

No, it is not true that my word is unchanging. I change the Word of God every day, as a matter of fact.

Today, for example, the Word of God is blueberry. Yesterday, the Word of God was unforseen. Tomorrow, well, you’ll just have to wait and see.

- God

I have become very worried ever since Sarah Palin failed to become Vice President in last year’s election. As she and her church in Wasilla said, it was clear that you, God, had a plan for Sarah. I worry that the plan was thwarted, and I know that there are always consequences when the will of God is thwarted.

Then, today, I read that the will of God is being thwarted in other places too. In the Nigerian state of Ogun in Nigeria, Governor Otunba Gbenga Daniel has warned that Satan is on the move against his divinely ordained political leadership there too: “The events of the recent days have shown urgent need for Allah’s intercession as these events have revealed that certain agents of Satan are bent on taking over our state. Through various machinations, they have tried to destabilize the peace that prevails in the state.”

Is there a connection, God?

- Julie

Julie,

Yes, certainly there is a connection. After all, there is, through me, a connection between all things.

Here’s the connection: Everybody is out to get me. Haven’t you noticed it? All these people all over the world are going against the will of God. Why? I work, and I work, and it never seems that it’s good enough, and now they want what’s mine!

Sarah Palin and Otunba Gbenga Daniel are different in one respect, however. Whereas Governor Palin is my servant, Governor Daniel is the servant of Allah. Allah, to be frank, is a poser.

Allah wants to be like me, but I am God and Allah is Allah. That doesn’t stop Allah from following me around and imitating everything that I do.

When I started wearing long flowing robes, Allah started wearing long flowing robes. When I got some prophets, Allah had to get prophets as well.

Now that Satan is working against my political servants on Earth, well Allah thinks that he has to have the agents of Satan working against him too. I got Sarah Palin, and he got Otunba Gbenga Daniel.

Oh, it irritates me! Go on and be a god, Allah, but get your own look, okay? Everybody knows you’re just a wannabe.

- God

I don’t know if you heard, but a couple months ago, after she and John McCain lost the 2008 presidential election, Sarah Palin told a television reporter that she was praying a lot about whether to run for President in 2012.

“OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I’m like, don’t let me miss the open door,” she said.

So, God, are you encouraging Sarah Palin to run for President in 2012?

- Paula

Paula,

It just so happens that I do have an open door, just for Sarah, but it’s not the door of the White House. It’s the emergency exit out of the governor’s mansion in Juneau.

I want Sarah Palin to open an ice cream shop in Wasilla. It is her calling in life. It is what I want her to do.

Please, Sarah, stop pretending. Get out your scoop, and practice your banana split.

- God

In 2007, Alan Keyes said he was called by his “allegiance to God and his authority” to run for President. Then, Alan Keyes lost the campaign. He didn’t even get the Republican nomination.

But, I see now that people are asking whether there might have been some crazy divine purpose to the Alan Keyes for President campaign anyway. “How do you know that God did not tell him that? Did you ask God?” one person asks.

Is it true, God? In spite of the fact that Alan Keyes went down to a humiliating defeat, did you have some purpose in having him run for President in the 2008 election?

- Peregrin

Peregrin,

For a long time, I have resisted answering this question. I could go on, but the effort tires me. Yes, I had a purpose in having Alan Keyes run for President.

In 2002, I watched in terrible embarrassment as MSNBC ran the political talk show Alan Keyes Is Making Sense. To have created the world, only to have such a rotten creation broadcast around it, was a torment to me.

I told Alan Keyes to run for President in the 2008 election so that it would be proved to the world, once and for all, that Alan Keyes is not making sense – and that MSNBC’s political reporting isn’t making sense either.

Also, I never got one of the political buttons from the earlier Alan Keyes for President campaign, and I really wanted one for my collection.

- God

Today, I am not writing my praise to You from Red Lobster like I usually do. Instead, I thought I’d see if I could pick up the Starbuck’s wifi hotspot from a barbecue restaurant down the street over a plate of spareribs. Seems to be working well. Sweet.

Anyhow, thanks for the help passing Proposition 8. We really worked around the clock on that one, and I know we couldn’t have done it without You. The good folk of California are celebrating our victory over the forces of evil O Lord. We know well and obey your word:

“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.” (Leviticus 18:22)

May the gays and bisexuals and perverts and blasphemers hear and obey the law! Praise to You, Almighty Lord.

-Your Humble Servant, Gary

Dear Gary,

It is indeed humble of you to assume that you have My blessing on an ill-conceived proposition repealing civil rights on the basis of things consenting adults do in private that your wife secretly wishes you would try on her. How meek and timorous of you to think your vindictive little grudge against family, liberty and equality has the full force of My will. The next time you wonder whether I am weighing in on one of your petty little propositions, look for signs like rains of frogs or ballots spontaneously combusting the instant a voter marks “No on 8.”

The next time you want to protect a traditional family, ease up on taking people’s rights away and spend more time at home with your wife, Gary. And attend to it properly. I hear her prayers too.

You are taking Leviticus 18:22 out of context, Gary. When I say “thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind,” I’m not talking to people like you who are more or less straight when they’re not being sanctimoniously anti-sexual. I am talking to closeted gays like Ted Haggard. I don’t want them engaging in the same-old perfunctory copulation they perform with their wives when they finally get a chance to be with a man on the lowdown. I want them to mix it up a little, call that hot bodybuilder masseur and tell him to bring some crystal meth baby, yeah.

What? I’m against crystal meth? Really? Where does it say so in the Bible, Gary? What are you trying to say, the Bible is not my word to you? I didn’t have the power or omniscience to get the Bible to forbid crystal meth even though it wasn’t invented when the Bible was written?

Now you’re really starting to incur my wrath, Gary.

How much of Leviticus did you actually read? How about those king crab legs you wolf down while you praise me? Hath it fins and scales, Gary? Moveth it in the waters? You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you Gary?

“These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat. And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you: They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination.” (Leviticus 11:9-11)

Sound familiar? Of course not. Because you never read the Bible, Gary. And don’t try to bullshit me, I’m omniscient. By the way, those seashells you collected last year by the shore–get them out of your house, ye have their carcasses in abomination.

So now you’ve gone from king crab legs to barbecue spare ribs. That’s a dead pig you’re gnawing on there, Gary. Divideth it the hoof? Cheweth it the cud? No clue again, Gary? Why (other than being omniscient) am I not surprised?

“And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be cloven-footed, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcass shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you.” (Leviticus 11:7-8)

That’s two sins you’re blithely committing while you falsely praise me for backing your stupid little gay bashing proposition. Why would I be anti-gay? It doesn’t make sense. I am a man. I am omnipresent. I am whole and complete in every point in space. Now chew on this for a while, Gary: if my complete male body is present in every point in space, where is my penis right now? It’s in you, Gary. That’s right. Think on that the next time you get all high and mighty about the queers. Not that I’m gay. I’m actually bisexual. As we speak, my penis is also inside your wife’s body-at least one of us is up to the task.

But hey, congratulations on getting that Starbuck’s wifi to work on your laptop. Wait a second, isn’t Starbuck’s wifi for Starbuck’s customers? Did you buy anything at Starbuck’s, Gary? No. Still not catching on to how this works, are you?

“Thou shalt not steal.” (Exodus 20:15)

Next time you get an urge to pick on a queer to, y’know, to do the world a favor and all, do Me a favor and don’t. Go home, pay attention to your wife, read your Bible, and try to grow a brain.

-God