Advice From God

Dear God,

What’s the best thing to do for a sprained ankle?

- Luigi

Luigi,

The best thing to do for a sprained ankle is to apply an ointment called Auntie Kilpa’s Sprain No More, and leave it overnight. The ointment is made by adding ammonia to an ooze found on the floor of a cave at the bottom of a methane ocean on a planet 187 light years from your solar system.

Given that it would take you two human lifetimes to reach the nearest place where Auntie Kilpa’s Sprain No More, even if you could attain the speed of light, I suggest that you put a bag of ice on your ankle, keep it elevated as much as possible, and hope for the best.

You could pray, but ankle prayers are among those I don’t answer.

- God

Dear God,

In the upstairs hall this morning, my son found a partially digested mouse, vomited by our cat. It’s the third time this week. How can I stop this from happening?

- Nate

Nate,

Mice often cause cats to throw up because they contain a chemical I call ixywattlebaumiphrause. Ixywattlebaumiphrause is a naturally occurring alloy of mercury and iron that is created when asteroids strike coal mines. Mice bodies tend to have ixywattlebaumiphrause in them because they are gullible. Having seen advertisements for clean coal, they’ve established coal spas, where they eat coal, bathe in coal, and drink coal tonics.

Being short-lived, the mice die before they feel the health effects. Ixywattlebaumiphrause causes an odd hallucination in cats: They come to feel that the inside of their throat is coated in tongues, all of them licking, licking, licking.

The only way to get your cat to stop vomitting ixywattlebaumiphrause-laden mice is to get your cat to stop hunting mice. The best way to do this is to dress them in clothes: Shoes, socks, pants, shirts, and white gloves. I know a great pet boutique that even makes little hats that can be attached to a cat’s head with velcro.

When cats have on a suit of clothes, they become quite civilized, and will no longer hunt mice for a living. Some have even been known to begin farming. Those that make a profit with their produce open bank accounts and contribute to the economy.

- God

Dear God,

I’ve got a couple of business colleagues who always like to go out for a beer after work on Fridays. I go with them, but when we get to the bar, they start having a conversation about about the qualities of beer and the different kinds of beer, and I have no idea what they’re talking about. I end up feeling intimidated, and staying quiet for most of the time, and it’s not working out well. I’m always worried I’ll end up ordering the wrong beer.

God, can you tell me how to tell the difference between a good beer and a bad beer?

- Paul

Paul,

Here are some tips. If the beer has the letters sch together in the name, it’s not considered a good beer. If the beer name has two vowels next to each other in more than one place, as in Hoegaarden, that’s a plus.

Next, look at the label. Is a silver color prominent on the label? If so, avoid it. Now, look at the font. Does it have interesting hooks and twists to it? That’s a good sign. Is it smooth, and at a diagonal tilt, with a 3-D effect on the lettering? That’s a bad sign.

Here are some things you can say about your beer to get you through the conversation:

It has a mild horse aroma to it, but I like it.
There’s a dampness to the grain.
The quality of the head is rather unexpected.
I prefer more a fine bead to my carbonation.
When I saw the lacing, I presumed that there would be more of a chocolate finish.

Also, you can look at any food item on the menu, and say that the beer has a hint of that item in its aftertaste. Wait for a response.

- God

Dear God,

Last year, my husband and I moved into our neighborhood because it seemed like such a friendly place. What we didn’t know is that the neighbors would be so friendly that we couldn’t have a social life of our own.

Every evening, one of our neighbors stops in to say hi. Usually, it’s just around the time that we’re about to eat, or to go to sleep, or just sit down and watch the television. They knock on the door and then come right in, as if they’re welcome.

Now I wish that we had never moved here. How can we avoid our friendly neighbors so that we can finally have some peace?

- Etta

Etta,

There are many options available to you.

1. Lay tacks on the sidewalk leading to your door.

2. Don’t talk when your neighbors visit. Just put your hand to your throat, and then shrug, and just look at your neighbors while they talk, until their leave.

3. Put a sign on your door reading “Emergency sewage problem”.

4. Make sure that your husband calls every female neighbor who visits “pretty lady”, while he smiles at you knowingly.

5. Don’t mow the lawn. Ever.

6. Whenever you see your neighbors coming toward your door, get out your cell phone, and put it up next to your ear. Whenever your neighbor tries to say anything, put your finger up in the air.

7. When talking with your neighbors, end every sentence with the phrase, “In a manner of speaking”.

8. Institute a mandatory visitor water balloon fight policy.

9. Offer your neighbors something to drink, and then hand them a glass full of tabouli.

10. Every five minutes, interrupt the conversation by holding up your hand, cocking your ear to the side, and saying “Hold on a minute”.

11. Whenever your neighbors ask you a question, get out an Eight Ball and shake it for a response.

12. Tell your neighbors, “I’m just going to check my email,” then go get in your car and have a drink at the local bar.

You get the idea.

- God

Dear God,

I have a neighbor whose entire house was decorated according to the dictates of Feng Shui. She calls herself Christian, yet talks about the “energies” of her house according to this Japanese mumbo jumbo. I regard it all as simple blasphemy.

I want to present a true alternative example in Christian decorating skills, and I’m starting with the pillows.

So, God, how can I select pillows for my house in a manner that will be the most Christian?

- Marsha

Marsha,

As the Fundamentalists have proven, it’s important to regard every single decision in life according to what has been written about it in the Bible. So, what pillow would Jesus use?

There is only one actual pillow mentioned in the Bible: A pillow upon which Jesus fell asleep while riding in a boat. Therefore, every pillow in your house should come from a boat. To choose any other kind of pillow would be sinful, and would doom you to Hell.

- God