Advice From God

Dear God,

I serve a small, non-denominational Christian church in a small community in the upper Midwest. I have come to believe that the people in my rural county have no one else to provide them with spiritual guidance.

That makes my problem all the worse. You see, I can’t seem to write a good sermon. Church attendance is getting lower and lower. God, how can learn how to write a sermon that will keep my flock in attendance?

- Reverend Ernie Payle

Ernie,

I have looked into you heart. The answer is that you cannot learn to write a good sermon… unless you go to the people at BuyYourCheap.com, who are selling, as they put it, “A great sermons product”.

They explain, “It can be quite a daunting task, especially if you’ve never written one before. Where do you start? What will be your topic? Which portion of the Bible are you expounding on?”

I want to warn you, Ernie, that if you start expounding on the Bible, you ought to have a tissue handy, so that you don’t stain it.

Another source I recommend is SermonWorld.com: “the monthly sermon subscription service that will revolutionize the way you do ministry! Imagine always being prepared a month in advance with complete sermon manuscripts and accompanying Powerpoint files”. This service promises extra “goodies” only available to subscribers.

There’s many a Christian preacher I know who just couldn’t continue in his profession without resorting to those extra “goodies” every now and then, if you know what I mean.

- God

Dear God,

When I got home from a trip to the grocery store today, a question occurred to me that I never stopped to ask before. I can’t think of an answer.

Please help me. Why do Christians wear seat belts when they get into cars? Couldn’t they just pray to you for protection, and then if they got hurt in a car accident anyway, figure that it was your will and accept the injury as a blessing in disguise?

- George

In Christianity, wearing a seat belt is a sacrament that is meant to re-enact the seating of Jesus as my successor in Heaven. The belt represents a hug from Jesus.

George,

- God

Dear God,

In 2007, Alan Keyes said he was called by his “allegiance to God and his authority” to run for President. Then, Alan Keyes lost the campaign. He didn’t even get the Republican nomination.

But, I see now that people are asking whether there might have been some crazy divine purpose to the Alan Keyes for President campaign anyway. “How do you know that God did not tell him that? Did you ask God?” one person asks.

Is it true, God? In spite of the fact that Alan Keyes went down to a humiliating defeat, did you have some purpose in having him run for President in the 2008 election?

- Peregrin

Peregrin,

For a long time, I have resisted answering this question. I could go on, but the effort tires me. Yes, I had a purpose in having Alan Keyes run for President.

In 2002, I watched in terrible embarrassment as MSNBC ran the political talk show Alan Keyes Is Making Sense. To have created the world, only to have such a rotten creation broadcast around it, was a torment to me.

I told Alan Keyes to run for President in the 2008 election so that it would be proved to the world, once and for all, that Alan Keyes is not making sense – and that MSNBC’s political reporting isn’t making sense either.

Also, I never got one of the political buttons from the earlier Alan Keyes for President campaign, and I really wanted one for my collection.

- God

Dear God,

Do you ever really answer our prayers?

- Yusef

Yusef,

Do you ever answer the front door when a dog barks outside? Do you ever open the refrigerator for the ants on your kitchen counter? Do you ever restrain yourself from using antibacterial soap when you know that there are germs on your hands? Do you ever turn off your porch light when you see moths dashing their soft bodies against it on a summer evening?

- God

Dear God,

On this, the eve of Thanksgiving, I want to express to you how thankful I am to you for everything.

I am thankful to you for power saws and cracked windows and hoarfrost and potato bugs and lint and sea gulls and potholes and static electricity and hot air balloons and the number pi. You, who have created all these things and more than a limited, unworthy being such as myself, are to be congratulated, but what can I do to show gratitude to you?

You are strong and we are weak. How can we poor, humble humans best show thanks to you, in all your heavenly majesty?

- Kirstee

Kirstee,

The first thing you can do to demonstrate your gratitude is to knock it off with the obsequious bowing and scraping. It irritates me.

The second thing you can do to show thanks to me is to sell everything you have in order to buy as many sequins and as much glue as you can. Then, carry the sequins and glue on your back as you climb Mount Everest. When you reach the top, start gluing the sequins, one by one, to the exposed rocks you find there. Then, when you’re done, return home, earn some more money and do it all over again.

I would really appreciate that kind of gesture.

You asked.

- God

Dear God,

I was reading this web site called Christian Odyssey, and they had a web page about how to tell if a person has really been genuinely called by you to go do missionary work. One of the things that they said was that, “One of the reasons we crave to do something ‘great’ for God is that we are unsure of how we stand with him, and we hope that if we do something ‘great’ like move to a faraway corner of the earth and be a missionary, God will like us more and we can feel better about our relationship with him.”

Is it true, God? Do you really like people just fine as they are, or do you like us better if we do something ‘great’ and move to a faraway corner of the earth?

- Stan

Stan,

Yes. I admit it. I would like you more if you would go away, Stan.

- God

Dear God,

In my life, I try to be a good person. But sometimes I get caught up in hectic everyday life, and I catch myself swearing at other drivers on the road, or even being rude to other Christmas shoppers. I don’t want to live my life this way, God. If I call on You in these times, would you please help me to find the love and compassion it takes to be a moral person?

-Barbara

Barbara,

Can do, but won’t. That’s not my shtick. Remember the part in Genesis where I stopped all babies from being born for twenty years before I flooded the earth in the age of Noah, so that when I destroyed the wicked I wouldn’t kill innocent children along with them? No? That’s because it’s not there! I drowned them all, babies too young to speak and infants too young to smile. That’s right. I’m one bad mamba jamba, so don’t screw with me.

There are pagans, as I’m sure you know, who dedicate their whole lives to the cultivation of compassion and kindness. And are they going to Heaven when they die? Noooooo!

Where did you get this love and kindness business anyway? Oh, I suppose that hippy son of mine might have gotten into that while he was wandering around drinking wine with his long-haired friends, but there’s really only one thing you need to know about Him: His name.

His name is like a password. All you have to do is say, “I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior,” make yourself believe it, and you’ll feel this incredible buzz come over you. It’s better than drugs, believe me. (Not that I’ve tried drugs or anything, but believe me anyway.) Anyhow, you’ll be saved.

Then, you can go out and do whatever you want, cut people off in traffic, cheat on your taxes, fight with your co-workers, whatever. Then all you need to do is the little password/headbuzz thing and you’re saved again.

-God

Dear God,

I’m confused about what to say to people this holiday (Christmas? sorry!) season. I want to include all my friends who practice Kwanzaa or Hanukkah. After all, there are a lot of holidays this time of year. I don’t want to offend anybody by just assuming everybody’s Christian. Then again, I’m a Christian and I’m proud of it, so sometimes I just want to say “Merry Christmas.” Should I say “Season’s Greetings,” “Happy Holidays,” or “Merry Christmas?”

-Lillian

Lillian,

The proper greeting is “Happy Jesus’s Birthday,” or “Merry Christmas.” Don’t settle for cheap imitations.

There are two kinds of people in the world: people who celebrate Christmas and people who would if they knew what was good for them. Whoever you’re talking to, it’s one or the other. The best way to include your friends who practice Kwanzaa or Hanukkah is to convert them to Christianity. Then you can include them when you go to heaven, too.

Jesus is the reason for the season. Now, I know what you’re thinking: some Copernican claptrap the secular humanists fed you in public school about the angle of the earth’s axis relative to the plane in which it rotates around the sun having something to do with the reason for the season. Well, that’s not in the Bible, so it’s not true.

And what is all this politically correct pablum about not offending people? I sent my own son to live among you that you might have an example to follow in leading your lives. And boy, did he have a knack for offending people. Go forth, follow in the footsteps of the Savior and start ticking people off. The next time someone at one of those massive retail stores wishes you “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas,” just look them square in the face and say,

“Do I look like I celebrate Hanukkah or something? That’s Merry Christmas, if you don’t mind!”

Then just let them have it about how the corporate elite of their massive retail chain is nothing more than a global network of moneylenders just like those Jesus drove from the temple. Tell them that the way they destroy small town family businesses, shop around for cheap sweatshop goods made by exploited foreign labor, screw over their employees, harass unions, and poison the environment is a betrayal of every value Jesus taught the world in the name of His Father… Actually, never mind. I don’t really care about all that stuff.

But boy it chaps my ass when someone says “Happy Holidays!”

- God

Dear God,

Pat Robertson, head preacher at the Christian Broadcasting Network, says that you have been kicked out of Dover, Pennsylvania as a result of the vote of the people there to replace a school board that was trying to force Christian Intelligent Design theology on students in biology classes.

As a loyal follower of you, and of Pat Robertson, I want to avoid this nest of vipers. The problem is that I live in Maytown, just to the north of Dover, and have to commute to York to get to my office. That takes me right through Dover.
How do I get to York without betraying the Christian Broadcasting Network?

- Marian

Marian,

If I were you, I would travel north to Pinetown and then cut east over to route 83. From there it’s an easy and fast shot to the south.

Of course, I’m not you. I’m God. So, I’m already in York, even if I’m in Maytown. Easy commute for me. There’s a great sub shop on the south end of town, but remember, I’m in the pickle too, so be gentle when you bite down, okay?

- God