Are you related to the Advice Goddess? I’m asking, because if you’re not, maybe I could hook you guys up.
Anyway, she’s writing a column today complaining about how Barack Obama has created a special White House council for women and girls without doing the same for men and boys. What’s your opinion? Should our society create councils for men and boys?
- Francine
Francine,
I am not related to the Advice Goddess by blood or marriage, except for the fact that I created her. That would make a relationship with her kind of incestuous, if you think about it. Of course, that didn’t stop me with Mary. She was my descendent, but I went for it anyway, because I was feeling lonely that night. Now look what I’m stuck with. A one-night stand births an entire religion, and people praying, praying, praying, begging for help all the time. I should have kept it tucked.
My comment about the White House council on women and girls is this: I want to know how come humans get all the councils and government assistance. How come no one ever sets up a charity for divine beings?
Did you know that most divine beings are single parents? Most of us are also the children of broken homes, or completely homeless. We’re also self-employed, which means that we get terrible health insurance.
It is true that I do get great visitation rights, but no one ever thinks to include me in parent-teacher conferences.
- God
]]>I recently read that new research shows that Christianity is a terrible place for women to find husbands. It seems that Christian churches are jam packed full of women, but not so many men. It was suggested to me that I go look among atheists if I wanted to meet a future husband.
Is this good advice?
- Suzy
Suzy,
It’s true that I’ve always been more interested in women than men, though I do swing both ways, if you know what I mean. I am fully anatomically correct, and that intimidates a lot of men who might otherwise become Christians, given that I’m the size of the entire universe.
So, the answer depends on what you’re interested in. Yes, if you’re looking for an available human male for marriage, you’ll have better luck among atheists than among Christians.
If marriage isn’t really what’s on your mind, though, I can show you a really good time – no commitments.
Call me.
- God
]]>I keep on hearing people say that they know what I should be eating, but the problem is that they all say different things about what the best kind of food for me is. I’m confused. How can I tell which foods are the most nutritious.
- Breena
Breena,
There are three kinds of food that are nutritious to eat. Remember these three, and you’ll be set for life.
1. Hole foods. No, these are not whole foods. A lot of people don’t know how to spell. Here’s an easy rule of thumb for identifying hole foods: If a food looks like it’s been sitting in a hole for a week or more, it’s a hole food, and it’s good for you. The fungus adds nourishing vitamins.
2. Pro-bionic foods. Once again, many people make the mistake of mispronouncing this category of food as “pro-biotic”. Pro-bionic foods include motor oil, copper wire, and disposable batteries.
3. Bacon.
Happy eating!
- God
]]>I need help with my son. He is so much of a perfectionist that he is afraid to try anything because he is afraid he will fail. He gets good grades but now that he is going into high school he said won’t take the advanced courses because he doesn’t want to watch other people do better than he is doing. I don’t think this is healthy. What can I do to help him?
- Maurice
Maurice,
I can sympathize with your son. I’m a bit of a perfectionist myself. Can you imagine what it’s like to have a reputation of being all powerful, knowing everything and being perfectly good all the time? Sometimes, I feel trapped by this perfection.
Do you know how long it took me to get started in creating the world? It was a lot longer than seven days, I can tell you that. I was there in the darkness, looking upon the face of the deep for ages. I was afraid that if I created the world, I would make a mistake.
So, for your son’s sake, all I can tell you is what helped me with my perfectionism. When I had a son, I watched him make mistakes, and get in trouble with the authorites. He was arrested and thrown into jail and everything. Then, with the crucifixion, well, it was just heartbreaking.
Frankly, it was embarrassing to me. I had all the other gods coming up to me and making fun of me. “Hey, it looks like Mr. Newborn King is king of a cave! How’s that new Jerusalem coming along?” Jesus said he would return, but he was so ashamed that he just went into hiding.
So, we screwed up. But, you know what I learned? I learned that you can’t worry about trying to be perfect all the time. So what if a prophecy doesn’t come true every now and then? No big deal. So what if I don’t know everything that’s going on? Who said it’s my business? It’s okay if make a mistake. So what if I made a flawed world with pain and suffering? Nobody’s perfect.
So, when it comes to your son, I’d say that what he needs is to get someone pregnant, and have a child, and have that child get in trouble and go to jail and get executed. Then, your son will really loosen up, and not be so perfectionist anymore. It sounds like your son is at an age where he has mature sexual function, so you can start this therapy right away.
Let me know how it works out for him.
- God
]]>I have been dating this very nice guy, but I just think of it as a casual thing. The trouble is that he’s recently been saying how he’s in love with me. I am definitely not in love with him. So, I told him that he should feel free to see other people, but he doesn’t want to do that. What do you think I should do?
- Patty
Patty,
I think you should tell this guy that you have been seeing other people, like the Virgin Mary. Have sex with him one last time, and then, when you’re getting out of bed, tell him that you see the image of the Virgin Mary in the wrinkled bedsheets.
Don’t let him touch the blankets. Every time he does, scream, “You’re hurting our Blessed Mother!” Pray in Latin at the foot of the bed. Twitch a little for extra effect.
Then, get out your cellphone and pretend that you’re calling the local Catholic Church to have them send a priest over right away. So long as you don’t crack a smile, your relationship should be over fairly soon, and you won’t have to feel guilty about it because your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend will want it that way.
- God
]]>What in the world did Walt Disney mean when he said, “I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known”?
- Hyacinth
Hyacinth,
Many people have misunderstood this statement, and concluded that Walt Disney loved his own cartoon creation more than he loved women. That’s not at all the case.
What Mr. Disney was really talking about was the need for free love. He was comparing a sexual encounter with a known woman to the shallow form of a cartoon, completely two dimensional and predictable.
It was the unknown woman, for Walt Disney, that was able to bring the sensation of greatest love, in the erotic sense. So, for Walt Disney, Mickey Mouse was like a longtime spouse, when what he really sought were a series of flings with women whose names he did not even know.
- God
]]>I’m a forty year-old father of three. I love my family, and I want to do well by them, but I’m about at the end of my rope.
I’ve been working long hours at my job for years now, always feeling that I’m on the verge of achieving financial success. Just when I think I have financial stability in grasp, an unanticipated cost comes up, and I have to put my nose back to the grindstone again.
I want to make sure that my family is provided for, but I’m exhausted. What can I do to overcome my fatigue and re-energize my professional life to finally attain the success I’ve been working toward for so long?
- Eugene
Eugene,
When I get feeling blue, or a little bit lost, or not sure what to do next, I always invent a new religion. I find someone to be my special prophet for a few years, and give that person magical powers to impress the little people and get them to pay attention. Then, the followers of the new religion give me extra-special enthusiastic worship, convinced that they’re going to change the world. The prophets rarely survive for longer than five or ten years, but the believers keep on worshipping me in a new, jim dandy kind of way that makes me feel all rosy inside again.
Oh, wait. I forgot. You’re not omnipotent. That must explain why you’re tired all the time.
Hm. Have you tried pulling yourself up by your bootstraps?
- God
]]>I have been thinking about it for some time now, and have decided that I would like to have a personal relationship with Jesus. The trouble is, I really don’t know how to go about establishing this relationship. Do you have any advice for me?
- Marvin
Marvin,
I really don’t know how to put this to you, but the fact is that Jesus is already spoken for. Jesus has been in a committed relationship with Isis for almost two thousand years now, and to be honest, I just don’t see them breaking up any time soon.
I would be less direct in my answer to you, but I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life waiting in vain.
Also, my earthly publicists also tell me that I am against same-sex romantic relationships, though I can’t remember ever saying so. It’s in Leviticus something or other, I think.
It just so happens that there is a nice single young woman living right down the street from you. Would you like me to set you up on a blind date?
Best of luck to you,
God
Two thousand years ago, you promised you followers that the End Times would soon arrive, and all of them would be saved, while their enemies would be dashed into little tiny bits and painfully destroyed.
So, we’ve been waiting! When will the End Times come? I’m ready to be saved and get my reward in heaven.
- Mark
Mark,
You remind me of when Jesus was young, and we would go out riding in my favorite chariot to go see his mother, Gaia, who lived very far away because my father, Kronos, didn’t approve of her. Anyway, I’d be driving the chariot across Asia Minor, and Jesus, who always rode in the back seat, would crane his neck up over my shoulder, and say, “My Father Who Art In Heaven, are we there yet?”
That always irritated me, which is why I worked up all that stuff about Jesus “having” to be crucified to save men from sin. I’ll tell you, after the crucifixion, when I told Jesus about my little practical joke, he didn’t talk to me for a week. I said, go visit your followers, if you want to give me the silent treatment, then. He said he was tired of the paparazzi always trying to draw his picture on papyrus.
Anyway, my point is that you’re really getting on my nerves. How about this: When we get close to the End Times, I’ll let you know. Until then, why don’t you just take a nap, or count telephone poles, or something, okay?
- God
]]>Last weekend, I attended a performance of the Nutcracker ballet with my children. I thought You would surely be O.K. with that, since it’s a Christmas ballet, and Christmas has everything to do with Jesus’s birthday and nothing at all to do with a midwinter pagan festival of lights.
But as I was watching the Nutcracker, I started to wonder what, if anything, the plot of the ballet had to do with Jesus. There’s this weird uncle in a cape who gives a nutcracker to a little girl. Then at night the Christmas tree grows up through the roof, the nutcracker comes alive and fights with mice, then the toys all come alive and dance around, and snowflakes in little white tutus prance all over the place, and there are some not at all wholesome intimations of a young girl’s romance with a cylindrical wooden object. Is Jesus there in any of this? Did I miss Him?
I know that some children’s magic stories, like The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, are good. Some, like Harry Potter, will land you straight in Hell if you so much as brush your hand across the dust jacket. But what about Christmas magic?
Then it occurred to me that some of the carols we sing around this time of year don’t have Jesus in them either. Should I be singing Frosty the Snowman with my kids? It’s about this magic hat that makes a snowman come alive and disobey a direct order from a peace officer. It sounds kind of like a medieval alchemist creating a golem or something, which is about as blasphemous as you can get. But then again, Frosty comes back again after he melts away, so he might be a symbol for Jesus.
I’m confused, God. Please set me back on the straight and narrow.
-Barry
Barry,
It’s a good thing you figured this out when you did. About half of the carols people who call themselves good Christians traipse around singing this time of year will win you an eternal dream date with the Prince of Darkness.
Frosty and the Nutcracker are good examples.
Jingle Bells is right out. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh and ignore Jesus tonight. Oh what less fun it is to endure an eternity of wailing and gnashing of teeth.
And that song about the holly and the ivy? Pagan and Christian symbols joined together in cheerful holiday harmony. Very politically correct, which is bad.
Deck the Halls. Go ahead and sing it. Then you’ll have eternity to tell all your friends in Hell how you just didn’t realize that there’s nothing Biblical about boughs of holly.
I’m not too hot about that wassail song, but it eventually gets around to asking Me to bless you send you a happy New Year.
I let What Child is This slide, despite the pagan tune, because it’s all about Jesus. As a rule of thumb, if it focuses primarily on Jesus, God or angels, you’re on safe ground. Godless winter merrymaking or pagan symbolism will get you in hot water.
-God
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