Advice From God

Dear God,

Yesterday, Pope Benedict XVI said that the legends of Jesus were your final revelation to humanity, and that now you’re done revealing anything to anyone.

Why, God? Why are you shutting yourself away, refusing to take any phone calls, not beginning any new projects?

You’re kind of turning out like Corey Haim, trapped in your own cosmic Canada without any visa to re-enter the land of the living. What’s going on?

- Paulie

Paulie,

You’re closer to the truth than you know. The truth is that I’m hooked on a sort of prescription drug. It’s called prayer.

All day long, I just lounge about on one of those comfy, puffy clouds, listening to people praise me, and ask me for favors, as if I’m responsible for all of the good things that happen on Earth, and not responsible for any of the bad things. You have no idea what a rush it is.

You may say that I’ve gotten lazy, that I was just a child star who only did any work of value back in my early days, but why should I lift a finger to create any more good works? Haven’t I don’t enough? Don’t I enjoy an eternity of praise? Aren’t I that wonderful?

- God

Dear God,

I want to have a personal relationship with you, but I feel kind of distant from you still. Maybe it’s just a personal hangup, but I don’t feel that a relationship is very personal when I’m not on a first name basis with someone.

God, do you have a first name, and do you mind if I call you by that name, instead of just calling you “God”?

- Edwin

Edwin,

I do indeed have a first name. It’s Bill. God is my family name.

When I tell them this, a lot of people assume that my first name is William, because that sounds more formal. They’re still in awe of me, and so they call me William.

I am not William. My mother named me Bill. Just Bill. If you call me by the name of William, then you are engaging in heresy.

I’ve just set up a Twitter account under my full name, Bill God, though I haven’t added a picture of me there yet, as I think that would be idolatry.

But, please, don’t call me by the name Bill. Although it’s my first name, I don’t really like it very much. I wish I was named something a bit more flowery, like Aloysius.

Besides, I’ve worked very hard to become God, and I think that my work deserves some recognition. No one ever gave me a trophy, or a wall plaque. So, please just call me God. It’s easier that way.

- God

Dear God,

I just read an article about Dutch artist Johan van der Dong saying that he’s set up the telephone number 06-4424-4901 (316-4424-4901 from outside the Netherlands) as a place where people will be able to call and leave a voice mail for God.

I have a difficult time believing that it’s for real. After all, Johan van der Dong sounds like a name some teenager would dream up as part of a joke. So, is it true? Can I reach you by calling that telephone number?

- Alvin

Alvin,

No, you can’t really call me directly at that telephone number. It’s just human performance art.

I do have a telephone number. Anyone who suggests that I don’t is a heretic who fails to believe in my omnipotence. Do they really believe that God does not have the power to have a telephone number? Well, not only do I have that power, but I also have the power to make my telephone number unlisted.

Don’t despair at contacting me by telephone, though. You see, as an omnipotent being I also have the power to wiretap any telephone I want to, including the telephone number set up by that Dutch artist. So, go ahead and make that call if you like. I just might be listening in.

Then again, when you make a telephone call to God, sometimes the answer is, “I’m sorry, but I can’t come to the phone right now…”

- God

Dear God,

Do you really work in mysterious ways?

- Alfonso

Alfonso,

The truth is that no, I do not work in mysterious ways. I sometimes go there on vacation, though, and bring a laptop that I can bring to the local coffee shop so that I don’t look like too much of a slacker.

- God

Dear God,

I have a Christian friend who says that Halloween is an evil holiday that encourages people to worship the devil and sacrifice babies to Satan. I don’t believe it. How could a holiday be evil?

- Sam

Sam,

You’re right, Sam. Other than Groundhog’s Day, there is no such thing as an evil holiday. Vile, pesky little groundhogs must be exterminated!

I love Halloween. In fact, I’m going trick or treating tonight, dressed up as a black cat. Watch the video below and tell me if you like my costume, okay?

- God

A little-known fact about God:

God has decided to allow the human species to survive. However, this decision was not made out of compassion, but because God realizes that humans might one day be the source of a new generation of medications that could cure diseases like avian flu. God hates to see chickens with the sniffles.

Dear God,

They say that you are omnipotent, that you can do anything. I don’t believe it.

There’s got to be at least one thing that you can’t do, or you wouldn’t be able to be powerless, and therefore you wouldn’t be all powerful.
So, what’s one thing you can’t do?

- Horatio

Horatio,

You caught me. There is one thing that I can’t do: Drive legally in the state of Florida. Go ahead and look it up in the official records: I’ve never been issued a driver’s license there.

Just let the Florida State Police try to pull me over, though. Just let them try.

- God

A little known fact about God: God was the inspiration for the title character of the hit 1980s video game, Donkey Kong. Go never has received financial compensation for the use of his likeness, however. In 1987, God tried to release his own version of the game. It was called God Kong, but it never caught on, due to the lack of adequate distribution.

Dear God,

If you are all powerful like everybody says, can you make a rock that is so heavy that even you can’t lift it?

- Brad

Brad,

Yes, you smart ass, I can.

It is within my power to create a rock that is so heavy that even I can not lift it. Then, it is also in my power to jolly well lift it if I so please.

Got a problem with that? (Before you answer, keep in mind that I’m holding an unholdable rock in my hand.)

- God