Advice From God

Dear God,

Yesterday, you made reference to an eighth day of Creation, something that isn’t mentioned in the Bible.

My curiosity can’t hold out until you volunteer the information. I have to ask: What did you create on the eighth day, God?

- Louie

Louise,

I am so glad you asked, but I have a feeling you won’t be so glad when you get the answer. On the eighth day of Creation, I made an infinite number of parallel dimensions, each with an alternative version of the reality that you know. This infinite number of dimensions was an unavoidable consequence of free will, which I made when I created human beings.

You see, each alternative reality represents another possibility – the world as it would have been if someone had made just one different decision. Morally, that means that even if you live the most ethical life possible in this reality, in another dimension, you’re an incurable sinner.

That means that, no matter how hard you try, you’re doomed to burn in Hell for all eternity, and it’s all your fault… or at least your fault in some other dimension. Prepare the asbestos.

- God

Dear God

News has come out that one of my favorite religious authors, Neale Donald Walsch, has been caught plagiarizing the work of another writer, copying it word for word and claiming that he wrote it himself.

Now, some are claiming that this isn’t the first case of plagiarism involving Neale Donald Walsch. Some people are saying that you were involved in a plagiarism conspiracy with Walsch.
They’re saying that the Conversations With God books, in which Walsch claims to quote you, God, were actually all written by Walsch. They’re saying that you just took credit for Walsch’s words, and that he paid you off to keep you quiet.

Is it true, God? Is it true?

- Tanya

Tanya,

I am disappointed with you. Did you really think that I wouldn’t notice that you have plagiarized this question? I wrote this question myself a few hundred years ago, as part of a one act musical entitled Holy Scriptures!
Now, I have a piece of advice for you, Tanya. Neale Donald Walsch wrote it down in Conversations With God after I told him to: Make your life a gift and remember in all ways you are the gift.

If that doesn’t work, then okay, go ahead steal another writer’s words. Remember, they are the gift.

- God

Dear God,

I was reading this web site called Christian Odyssey, and they had a web page about how to tell if a person has really been genuinely called by you to go do missionary work. One of the things that they said was that, “One of the reasons we crave to do something ‘great’ for God is that we are unsure of how we stand with him, and we hope that if we do something ‘great’ like move to a faraway corner of the earth and be a missionary, God will like us more and we can feel better about our relationship with him.”

Is it true, God? Do you really like people just fine as they are, or do you like us better if we do something ‘great’ and move to a faraway corner of the earth?

- Stan

Stan,

Yes. I admit it. I would like you more if you would go away, Stan.

- God

Dear God,

As I’m sure you know, well you’re God so of course you know, but anyway Congress just passed a bill forbidding the U.S. military or intelligence services from using torture. Bush signed it, but in a signing statement he said that the bill would not interfere with his ability to exercise his power as president, which makes me think he’s still going to do it.

Is torture always wrong, or is it sometimes OK to torture someone if he’s a really really bad guy?

-Farley

Farley,

Sure, torture is OK sometimes, as long as you’re reasonably certain whoever you’re torturing is a really, really bad person.

Cannibalism is OK on occasion too. When you’ve got friends in the mortuary business, why pay for liver?

Rape is OK every once in a blue moon, as long as she’s dressed provocatively and asking for it.

Adultery is also OK every now and then. If nobody finds out, who’s the wiser?

Blowing up buildings is OK, as long as you drop bombs onto them from airplanes.

(Never crash airplanes directly into buildings, because that is evil.)

Stealing is OK, if someone else has something sitting around that you could put to better use.

Heck, as long as you can come up with a half-ass excuse, go ahead and do whatever you feel like. Just pray to me afterward and everything’s forgiven anyway.

See you in Heaven!

-God

Dear God,

Over the last two years, I’ve been hearing and seeing some very disturbing things about torture. Those pictures from Abu Ghraib just turned my stomach, and apparently there is a woldwide network of American “black site” prisons nobody knows anything about. I shudder to think what might happen behind those walls. Now I hear that the new Iraqi government that two thousand Americans died to establish has its own network of secret torture prisons, organized with the help of Iranian agents. As an American citizen, I feel a terrible sense of responsibility for these barbaric acts carried out by my government in my name. Sometimes I feel like we’re sliding back into the Dark Ages, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. What can I do?

-Terry

Terry,

Ah, the good old days. Don’t tell me you’ve got something against the Dark Ages. Christianity dominated Europe, and it was a good thing.

Come on, Terry. Major retail chains this very minute are wishing people “Happy Holidays,” for My sake! And you’re hung up on this torture business?

Seriously, torture? There’s no torture going on. What you’ve got at Abu Ghraib is a few bad apples on the night shift, doing fraternity hazing types of things. Other than that, what we’re talking about are innovative and unique ways of extracting information, unorthodox interrogation techniques, setting the conditions for successful debriefings.

If I hadn’t meant for you to passively accept unthinkably horrible behavior on the part of your own government, I wouldn’t have granted politicians and their lawyers the gift of the misleading euphemism, now, would I?

Besides, the End Times are coming. There’s nothing you can do but sit back, slap on some SPF 2000, and watch Ragnarok roll.

Cheers.

-God

Dear God,

In my life, I try to be a good person. But sometimes I get caught up in hectic everyday life, and I catch myself swearing at other drivers on the road, or even being rude to other Christmas shoppers. I don’t want to live my life this way, God. If I call on You in these times, would you please help me to find the love and compassion it takes to be a moral person?

-Barbara

Barbara,

Can do, but won’t. That’s not my shtick. Remember the part in Genesis where I stopped all babies from being born for twenty years before I flooded the earth in the age of Noah, so that when I destroyed the wicked I wouldn’t kill innocent children along with them? No? That’s because it’s not there! I drowned them all, babies too young to speak and infants too young to smile. That’s right. I’m one bad mamba jamba, so don’t screw with me.

There are pagans, as I’m sure you know, who dedicate their whole lives to the cultivation of compassion and kindness. And are they going to Heaven when they die? Noooooo!

Where did you get this love and kindness business anyway? Oh, I suppose that hippy son of mine might have gotten into that while he was wandering around drinking wine with his long-haired friends, but there’s really only one thing you need to know about Him: His name.

His name is like a password. All you have to do is say, “I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior,” make yourself believe it, and you’ll feel this incredible buzz come over you. It’s better than drugs, believe me. (Not that I’ve tried drugs or anything, but believe me anyway.) Anyhow, you’ll be saved.

Then, you can go out and do whatever you want, cut people off in traffic, cheat on your taxes, fight with your co-workers, whatever. Then all you need to do is the little password/headbuzz thing and you’re saved again.

-God