Advice From God

Dear God,

I have become very worried ever since Sarah Palin failed to become Vice President in last year’s election. As she and her church in Wasilla said, it was clear that you, God, had a plan for Sarah. I worry that the plan was thwarted, and I know that there are always consequences when the will of God is thwarted.

Then, today, I read that the will of God is being thwarted in other places too. In the Nigerian state of Ogun in Nigeria, Governor Otunba Gbenga Daniel has warned that Satan is on the move against his divinely ordained political leadership there too: “The events of the recent days have shown urgent need for Allah’s intercession as these events have revealed that certain agents of Satan are bent on taking over our state. Through various machinations, they have tried to destabilize the peace that prevails in the state.”

Is there a connection, God?

- Julie

Julie,

Yes, certainly there is a connection. After all, there is, through me, a connection between all things.

Here’s the connection: Everybody is out to get me. Haven’t you noticed it? All these people all over the world are going against the will of God. Why? I work, and I work, and it never seems that it’s good enough, and now they want what’s mine!

Sarah Palin and Otunba Gbenga Daniel are different in one respect, however. Whereas Governor Palin is my servant, Governor Daniel is the servant of Allah. Allah, to be frank, is a poser.

Allah wants to be like me, but I am God and Allah is Allah. That doesn’t stop Allah from following me around and imitating everything that I do.

When I started wearing long flowing robes, Allah started wearing long flowing robes. When I got some prophets, Allah had to get prophets as well.

Now that Satan is working against my political servants on Earth, well Allah thinks that he has to have the agents of Satan working against him too. I got Sarah Palin, and he got Otunba Gbenga Daniel.

Oh, it irritates me! Go on and be a god, Allah, but get your own look, okay? Everybody knows you’re just a wannabe.

- God

Dear God,

I just found this video of Ram Bomjon, the mysterious boy that they say is the new Buddha for our times. But look at that long hair. Is that really Ram Bomjon, or is it just an imposter wearing a wig of long hair?

- Dorje

Dorje,

Yes, that is really Ram Bomjon, but I have some shocking news for you. Ram Bomjon did not actually sit under that pipal tree for ten months without moving, as his followers said. Ram Bomjon actually got up every night from his meditations to learn some new dance moves.

You see, Ram Bomjon has indeed been sent to Earth on a holy mission, but it doesn’t have much to do with Buddhism. Ram Bomjon’s sacred quest is to reunite the band Nirvana, as its new lead singer, and to bring a reconstituted Lolapalooza tour to Nepal, in order to stop the Maoist rebels and Nepals monarchy from fighting any more.

- God