Advice From God

Dear God,

Although I am 32 years old, I am new to the kitchen, having gone out to eat at restaurants for most of my life. I am just now learning to bake, and have gotten my first can of baking powder ever.

Something about this baking powder confuses me, however. It says on the package that it is “double acting”. Does that mean that I should use half of what a recipe calls for, when I use this baking powder?

- Darnice

Darnice,

Congratulations on your foray into the kitchen.

No, you should not use half the amount of double acting baking powder. Use the same amount as you would if you were using plain old baking powder.
The phrase “double acting” does not refer to any kind of extra power to make cookies rise in the oven. Instead, double acting baking powder actually has a second function – a sacred function.

Not only does double acting baking powder help delicious deserts get all puffy in the oven, but it also serves as an excellent agent for casting out demons. When you don’t have any holy water handy, and demons are pestering you and preventing you from making the evening meal with their infernal hijinks, get out your double acting baking powder and throw it around your kitchen.

If you don’t believe me, I suggest that you look at the packaging for your baking powder. The FDA requires that all double acting baking powder be packaged with the following advisory: Double Acting Baking Powder uses a variety of antidemonic leavening agents in combination with the pulverized bones of the saints. Do not put in the microwave, as hellfire may ensue.

- God

Dear God,

While I was out with the guys Saturday night, I saw on CNN that there was an attack against a submarine by a giant pacific octopus. Apparently, it was caught on film. I believe that this might just be one of the signs of the End Times that we were told by you to be on the lookout for.

The return of Leviathan! Who would have thought I would live to see this day? If more submarines are attacked around the world, the oceans could very well turn to blood, as predicted in your holy book.

Of course, the damned atheists are denying it all. They’re saying that the video doesn’t show an attack at all!.

Lord, help me see the wisdom in your ways. Did you send that giant octopus to attack that ROV submarine, or was it the work of Satan.

- Diver Dan

Dan,

It was my work to send that octopus to the submarine all right, but the whole incident has been tragically misunderstood.

I sent that octopus over to the camera of the submarine to tell the guy operating the sub that he had some spinach stuck between his teeth. You know… right… there. But, before the octopus could try to communicate with the sub operator, he got blown away by the thruster jets turned into his face.

Oh, how I hate scientists. First evolution, now this!

- God

Dear God,

I noticed a couple of days ago that 18 of your earliest blog postings are gone. How come?

- Stan

Stan,

It’s Satan’s fault. He sent a demonic horde of hackers out, with infernal worms and hellish viruses to attack our heavenly server.

Don’t worry, though. All that stuff that we lost and was not backed up on our server somewhere is just the old testament. You can rest assured that our Heavenly web masters have updated the cosmic system software to prevent such diabolical security breaches in the future.

- God