Advice From God

Dear God,

I simply had to get the latest hat by designer Philip Treacy. It’s features a black and red disc, with three red rose replicas off to the side. It’s gorgeous, and I got it for a steal at just 595 pounds.

The trouble is that I can’t figure out what to wear with it? What kind of outfit goes best with this hat?

- Gillian

Gillian,

A check to Oxfam for 595 pounds would go great with that hat. Oxfam is a great outfit.

- God

Dear God,

Last year, my husband and I moved into our neighborhood because it seemed like such a friendly place. What we didn’t know is that the neighbors would be so friendly that we couldn’t have a social life of our own.

Every evening, one of our neighbors stops in to say hi. Usually, it’s just around the time that we’re about to eat, or to go to sleep, or just sit down and watch the television. They knock on the door and then come right in, as if they’re welcome.

Now I wish that we had never moved here. How can we avoid our friendly neighbors so that we can finally have some peace?

- Etta

Etta,

There are many options available to you.

1. Lay tacks on the sidewalk leading to your door.

2. Don’t talk when your neighbors visit. Just put your hand to your throat, and then shrug, and just look at your neighbors while they talk, until their leave.

3. Put a sign on your door reading “Emergency sewage problem”.

4. Make sure that your husband calls every female neighbor who visits “pretty lady”, while he smiles at you knowingly.

5. Don’t mow the lawn. Ever.

6. Whenever you see your neighbors coming toward your door, get out your cell phone, and put it up next to your ear. Whenever your neighbor tries to say anything, put your finger up in the air.

7. When talking with your neighbors, end every sentence with the phrase, “In a manner of speaking”.

8. Institute a mandatory visitor water balloon fight policy.

9. Offer your neighbors something to drink, and then hand them a glass full of tabouli.

10. Every five minutes, interrupt the conversation by holding up your hand, cocking your ear to the side, and saying “Hold on a minute”.

11. Whenever your neighbors ask you a question, get out an Eight Ball and shake it for a response.

12. Tell your neighbors, “I’m just going to check my email,” then go get in your car and have a drink at the local bar.

You get the idea.

- God

Dear God,

What in the world did Walt Disney mean when he said, “I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known”?

- Hyacinth

Hyacinth,

Many people have misunderstood this statement, and concluded that Walt Disney loved his own cartoon creation more than he loved women. That’s not at all the case.

What Mr. Disney was really talking about was the need for free love. He was comparing a sexual encounter with a known woman to the shallow form of a cartoon, completely two dimensional and predictable.

It was the unknown woman, for Walt Disney, that was able to bring the sensation of greatest love, in the erotic sense. So, for Walt Disney, Mickey Mouse was like a longtime spouse, when what he really sought were a series of flings with women whose names he did not even know.

- God

Dear God,

I’m confused. I’m watching the debate in the Senate today about the FISA Amendments Act, which would make permanent the Protect America Act, which allows the Executive Branch of the federal government to conduct massive electronic spying operations against innocent Americans without any search warrant, any judicial review, or any meaningful congressional oversight.

The FISA Amendments Act also allow the government to access private customer information and accounts held by any corporation.

The FISA Amendments Act amounts to a coup d’etat by the Executive Branch against the Legislative and Judicial branches, and against the Constitution.

But, it occurs to me, as I watch this debate, that if you are really real, God, then this whole government spying thing ought to be completely unnecessary.

I mean, it’s totally weird that Christian leaders in government are asking for such extensive electronic espionage powers. If they really believe in you, God, why do they need spies and electronic spying networks?

If they’re worried about terrorists, or other threats, why don’t they just use the power of prayer? Really. Why don’t they just pray on it, if they’re really Christian believers?

Why don’t they just say, “God, please tell me if there is any terrorist group who is going to attack the United States this week.” Then, you could respond to the prayer, and tell the President and his Cabinet if there’s any violent fanatic they need to worry about.

It’s almost as if the President and all his top advisors don’t actually believe in the power of prayer, and just say that they do to earn political points by adopting a pious posture.

Am I wrong?

- Diane

Diane,

Yes, you certainly are wrong. Very, very wrong.

You know how all the dinosaur fossils were created by Satan just to tempt sinful scientists into believing in evolution? Well, this situation is the same. Satan has created the appearance of a logical gap in the White House’s call for massive new spying powers, in order to tempt you into not being a Republican.

What you must do is just ignore the logical gap in the White House’s policies, and believe with all your heart that everything that George W. Bush asks for is honest and good. That’s the only way to avoid Satan’s trap.

Let the government spy on you, or you will go to Hell.
- God

Dear God,

They say that you are omnipotent, that you can do anything. I don’t believe it.

There’s got to be at least one thing that you can’t do, or you wouldn’t be able to be powerless, and therefore you wouldn’t be all powerful.
So, what’s one thing you can’t do?

- Horatio

Horatio,

You caught me. There is one thing that I can’t do: Drive legally in the state of Florida. Go ahead and look it up in the official records: I’ve never been issued a driver’s license there.

Just let the Florida State Police try to pull me over, though. Just let them try.

- God

Dear God,

I’m confused. Who are God’s chosen people? It seems that almost every ethnic group has some kind of belief that it is the special, divinely chosen, and authentic.

So, which group is it? Who are God’s chosen people?

- Dan

Dan,

Spinosaurus aegyptiacus. They were my chosen people.
Never heard of Spinosaurus aegyptiacus? That’s because they’re extinct.

They were the biggest meat eaters ever to walk the land on planet Earth, huge dinosaurs 55 feet long. They were bigger than Tyrannosaurus Rex.

A few of them were left, still living in peace in Egypt a few thousand years ago, until they were enslaved. Moses was the last of the Spinosaurus aegyptiacus people, and he had to flee after he ate the high priest in the temple of Isis, to die in the desert.
The Jews played a trick on the rulers of Egypt by saying that they were dinosaurs too, and would eat the Pharaoh and his family. That’s why the Pharaoh let the Jews go. Locusts had nothing to do with it.

- God

Dear God,

I am on an airplane after a long day of work, and am trying to get some sleep. However, the people behind me won’t stop talking to each other using very loud voices. For the past 20 minutes, they have been discussing whether Lima or Santiago is the capitol city of Chile.

I can’t stand it any more. How can I get them to be quiet?

- Marcos

Marcos,

You might try being enigmatic. Turn around quietly, point your finger to the ceiling, and then say, “Do you hear the sounds of the ghosts of all the children that I should have had? They sound very frustrated.”

Wait for an answer. Then, point to the ceiling one more time, and turn around without saying anything more.

- God

Dear God,

I walked out my front door to find a swarm of dying mayflies on the sidewalk. Why is it that you designed mayflies to live only for one day and then die? It seems awfully cruel to me.

- Rosemarie

Rosemarie,

It is a common misconception that mayflies live only for one day. The truth is that they live in their adult form for one day, but they live in their larval form for much longer – a few weeks.

There’s a clear reason for this arrangement that might just help you feel better about the whole thing. What you don’t know about mayflies is that they’re born terrorists.
Mayflies possess an unrivaled mental aptitude that makes their inherent terroristic nature particularly dangerous. You may think that human beings are the most intelligent species on the planet, but you’re wrong. It’s mayflies. They’re geniuses beyond human comprehension.

If mayflies were able to live more than one day, they would, in their malice, design, construct and explode a bomb capable of creating a crater the size of New Zealand.

Mayflies have a harsh political agenda which they seek to achieve by any means necessary. Their manifesto: Liberate the Omaha Seventeen! Nobody, not even I, know who the Omaha Seventeen are, much less how to liberate them, and that makes the mayflies such a terrible threat. You see, mayflies do not accept that ignorance is an excuse for inaction.
Every morning, during mayfly season, millions upon millions of mayflies emerge from their larval state, have group sex while flying in the air, and then set upon their dastardly mission of designing the ultimate superweapon. By nightfall, their plans are complete, and they go to bed with the agreement that they’ll build the weapon and detonate it before breakfast. Then, they all die.

You should be grateful, very grateful, to see your sidewalk littered with their carcasses, the little buggers.

- God

Dear God,

I am deeply concerned about global warming caused by the burning of fossil fuels. I fear that if we don’t change course quickly, the damage to your creation will be grave and irreparable. It seems to me that this is among the paramount ethical issues of our time. I also know that the Bible is the single source of moral authority available to us on earth. So why doesn’t the Bible say anything about the burning of fossil fuels?

Sincerely,

- Sidney

Sidney,

Good question. As a matter of fact, the Bible used to contain a very specific injunction against the burning of fossil fuels. It was number twelve of the Twenty Commandments Moses brought down from Mount Sinai. I realize it’s not in the edition of the Bible you have, so I thought I’d pass it along. While I’m at it, I’ll throw in numbers eleven and thirteen too, since they’re pretty much directed at the people of your age:

Commandment Eleven: “When thou hast harnessed the power of lightning, craftest thou not thereby images of the trite and banal for the distraction of thy children.”

Commandment Twelve: “Defilest thou not the sacred tombs of primeval groves, nor burn thou the contents thereof.”

Commandment Thirteen: “If thou takest multiple lovers, gird thee thy loins in the vulcanized sap of a tropical tree.”

There are seven more, but I don’t think they’d interest you. They’re for people in the distant future-dos and don’ts of building massive gamma wave sinks to cloak radiation emanating from the solar system in order to fend of interstellar attack, stuff like that.

Sorry those three didn’t make it down to you. Now that I think about it, they could have helped you out with some of those problems you’ve been having down there lately. It’s not really my fault, though. It was those darn medieval exegetes who edited the last ten commandments out, because they didn’t see the relevance to them. I came to them in visions and tried to explain, “Look, guys, it’s not all about you. The Bible is my word to mankind for all time, including the distant future. You don’t have to understand the whole thing, just translate it the best you can and pass it along.” Unfortunately, every time I appeared to them they just took to flagellating themselves all the harder, so I eventually gave up.

I explained the whole thing to the medieval exegetes when they got to heaven, and we all had a good laugh. It’s funny, in the grand scale of things. You may not be able to see the humor in it now, but you will after you die-trust me.

See you then,

- God

Dear God,

Leviticus 5, verse 2 speaks to us, “If a soul touch any unclean thing, whether it be a carcass of an unclean beast, or a carcass of unclean cattle, or the carcass of unclean creeping things, and if it be hidden from him; he also shall be unclean, and guilty.”

What is the meaning of this Bible verse for modern life?

- Louis

Louis,

There are three very important things you need to remember about this teaching of mine. I’m very specific about what makes you unclean and guilty, so pay attention.

First, if you touch any of these unclean things, so long as it is not hidden from you that you’ve touched it, it’s totally fine. You’re still clean and innocent. Go ahead and touch the rotting carcasses of unclean animals. Just look at the carcasses while you’re doing it.
Second, the only problem happens if your soul does the touching, if you know what I mean. No love affairs with rotting dead unclean animals, unless you look first.

Third, I encourage you to go out and get personal with creeping things. Just follow the rules above, and make sure the creeping things are clean first. Ask them to bathe before you roll around together. It’s a good way to get familiar before you get carnal. Cool? Oh, if these animals are already dead, then don’t bother asking them. Just hose them down.

A good modern technique for making sure your dead creeping animal love object won’t make you guilty in my eyes is to spray it with Lysol. Otherwise, the standards of the ancient world related to this Bible verse were pretty much the same as for the modern world. Family values are family values, yesterday, today and tomorrow!

- God