Are you saying that the reason I can’t mess up BP, but BP can mess up the whole world, is because BP is more powerful than me? That sounds messed up. Kind of like “might makes right.” That’s not ethics, it’s just bullying. What’s up with that?
-Brit
Oh shut up already Brit,
Of course might makes right. I myself decreed that “thou shalt not kill.” And back in the time of Noah I killed everybody except for a drunk and his family on a boat. Was that right? Remember who you’re talking to before you answer, Brit.
I am the Lord of Heaven and Earth. I own everything. That means I have a whole lot invested in BP stocks. I also own you and your sorry $18,000 in retirement savings. I can’t even get to that until the year 2028 without substantial interest and tax penalties. I mean, I could get to it, because I’m all powerful. But you know. Anyhow, the bottom line is this–BP is worth more to me than you.
So shut up.
-God
]]>So what if I got a bunch of friends to each chip in five dollars if I pissed all over an AMPM Mini Mart and took a dump in the nachos? That would be “productive,” because I’d be making money for it. Would it be OK then?
-Brit
Brit,
No. That doesn’t sound right. BP, which owns the AMPM Mini Marts, is the fourth largest company in the world, after all. You’ve got to respect that. You’re just some guy. Who are you to take a dump in their nachos?
-God
]]>This whole BP oil spill thing has me pretty steamed, I can tell you. I don’t get how British Petroleum thinks it’s OK to do slovenly drilling and mess up the whole Gulf of Mexico. There’s crude oil all over everything down there, the beaches, the birds, the dolphins, even the ocean floor. It’s like they think they somehow have the right to just mess up the whole world. Well I know it’s the fourth largest company in the world, but that doesn’t mean the world belongs to British Petroleum. The world belongs to everyone, and all the living things on it. Where does BP come off messing it all up?
It’s like, suppose I were to walk into an AMPM Mini Mart (which is owned by BP), whip it out, and just piss all over everything. Yeah, I messed up something that doesn’t belong to me. Just like you, BP.
Would that be wrong?
-Brit
Dear Brit,
Yes, that would be wrong. The act you propose would not be productive. That is to say, it wouldn’t make you any money. It is ethically justifiable to mess up things that do not belong to you if you make money in the process. That is in the Bible. Somewhere.
-God
]]>I recall a controversy that was brewing some time ago, but seems to have died down without being resolved. But I remain curious my sweet Lord: How many licks does it take to get to the gum or chewy candy at the middle of a lollipop?
- Nate
Dear Nate,
Excellent question.
Have you ever considered that there might be a tremendous number of variables at play, and that your answer might not come in the form of a single number that holds true in all conditions?
Did you ever pause to reflect on the following factors?
Irregularities in machining that place the soft “middle” slightly off center, creating a lollipop that took a different number of licks from each side?
The pressure and duration of each lick?
The ambient temperature of the room?
The quantity and chemical composition of the saliva of the person doing the licking?
The surface area of tongue making contact with the lollipop at each lick?
Did it ever occur to you that different permutations of these factors would make it impossible to resolve this controversy with a single quantitative response?
No?
Good, because there’s a name for thinking like that.
It’s called “relativism,” and it’s bad. Really, really bad. If you embrace relativism, you reject absolutes. And if you reject absolutes, you will no longer obey the arbitrary dictates of those in authority without pausing to consider the rational, ethical, and empirical basis of those dictates.
And who wants to live like that?
There is an absolute answer to everything.
How many licks does it take?
1,487.
One more or one less, and you’re doing it wrong.
- God
]]>Dear Cassandra,
You did your job, Cassandra. Don’t worry about it. Treatment for this man’s cancer would have cost a lot of money. You start letting people like that live, and pretty soon executives and shareholders are going to have to start selling their vacation homes and boats. Is that the kind of world you want to live in? The Bible does not forbid you to deny health care benefits to sick people who are entitled to them; therefore it is ethical to do so.
Here is all you need to know about ethics, Cassandra. I existed before anything was created. I had a son. His mother was a virgin. He died two thousand years ago. He is still alive. If you believe this, you will be happy forever after you die. Honestly. If you do not believe this, you will suffer forever after you die. Swear to Me. That’s all you’ve got to know about ethics. Don’t worry about anything other than that.
-God
What’s the best thing to do for a sprained ankle?
- Luigi
Luigi,
The best thing to do for a sprained ankle is to apply an ointment called Auntie Kilpa’s Sprain No More, and leave it overnight. The ointment is made by adding ammonia to an ooze found on the floor of a cave at the bottom of a methane ocean on a planet 187 light years from your solar system.
Given that it would take you two human lifetimes to reach the nearest place where Auntie Kilpa’s Sprain No More, even if you could attain the speed of light, I suggest that you put a bag of ice on your ankle, keep it elevated as much as possible, and hope for the best.
You could pray, but ankle prayers are among those I don’t answer.
- God
]]>I was reading Nietzche this afternoon, and he said that if gods existed he couldn’t bear not to be a god, so therefore gods do not exist. At first I thought he was crazy, which is a convenient thing to think if you disagree with someone. Then I thought about one of the reasons I believe in You. I just couldn’t bear to live in a world in which You didn’t exist. So now I think maybe Nietzche wasn’t really putting forth what you might call the narcissistic argument against Your existence. Maybe he’s making fun of the idea that because you can’t bear to imagine something not being true, that automatically makes it true. Now that I think about it, my own inability to bear something emotionally doesn’t really change things out in the world, does it? So what’s up God? Is Nietzche making fun of me? And is he right?
-Caroline
Dear Caroline,
Nietzche’s crazy.
-God
]]>My name is Megan, and I go to middle school in Pisskapewa, New Jersey. I have lots of friends, but there are these two friends, Kim and Mary, that are nothing but trouble.
They will not stop talking about eachother! I mean, when I’m with Kim, she’s saying things about Mary, and when I’m with Mary, she’s saying things about Kim. What’s worse is that they talk about eachother with other people who aren’t their friends at all! And, they’re always trying to give eachother advice.
What can I say to get them to stop?
- Megan
Megan,
I just got done talking to Kim, and she says that Mary says that you shouldn’t have talked to me about this, because it’s none of my business.
Kim also says that she thinks that Mary is totally out of line.
- God
]]>Where did you go? I came to Advice From God earlier today, and found nothing but a blank screen of blue. Now I see that this divine advice column has changed, adopting a new look.
My religious faith is rocked to the core. I thought that you were supposed to be eternal, and unchanging, God. How could you have gone away? How could you have changed your look?
- Louie
Louie,
I may be eternal, but I am also omnipotent.
If I don’t have the power to update my look, then I am not omnipotent. If I don’t have the power to go away for a while and no longer exist, then I am not omnipotent.
Also, you need to reconsider your idea that I am just one thing. After all, if I don’t have the power to be two-faced, then I am not omnipotent.
Expand your mind, Louie. Also, try to have some patience as I get all the Advice From God features back up. Creation of the Earth took me eight days, after all…
… and just wait until I tell you about that eighth day.
- God
]]>I just saw that amazing video of that meteorite falling through the sky in Edmonton, up in Canada. In the old days, people used to say astronomical events like that were a message from God.
What kind of message is the Edmonton meteorite? Why do you need falling stars to speak to humanity?
- Horace
Horace,
I’m a bit embarrassed to admit it, but there was no message from me in that meteorite last week. I just dropped my car keys. I got a new Prius. Drives great.
- God
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