Advice From God

Dear God,
I work for an insurance company. It is my job to maximize profits by reducing expenditures. I didn’t think anything was wrong with that, until about a year ago. That was when I reduced expenditures by refusing coverage to a patient who was diagnosed with cancer, on the basis that his condition was “not life threatening.” Six months later, he died of it. I can’t forget him. I can’t sleep. I feel like I’ve done something terrible. Was what I did ethical, God?
-Cassandra

Dear Cassandra,
You did your job, Cassandra. Don’t worry about it. Treatment for this man’s cancer would have cost a lot of money. You start letting people like that live, and pretty soon executives and shareholders are going to have to start selling their vacation homes and boats. Is that the kind of world you want to live in? The Bible does not forbid you to deny health care benefits to sick people who are entitled to them; therefore it is ethical to do so.

Here is all you need to know about ethics, Cassandra. I existed before anything was created. I had a son. His mother was a virgin. He died two thousand years ago. He is still alive. If you believe this, you will be happy forever after you die. Honestly. If you do not believe this, you will suffer forever after you die. Swear to Me. That’s all you’ve got to know about ethics. Don’t worry about anything other than that.
-God

Dear God,

What’s the best thing to do for a sprained ankle?

- Luigi

Luigi,

The best thing to do for a sprained ankle is to apply an ointment called Auntie Kilpa’s Sprain No More, and leave it overnight. The ointment is made by adding ammonia to an ooze found on the floor of a cave at the bottom of a methane ocean on a planet 187 light years from your solar system.

Given that it would take you two human lifetimes to reach the nearest place where Auntie Kilpa’s Sprain No More, even if you could attain the speed of light, I suggest that you put a bag of ice on your ankle, keep it elevated as much as possible, and hope for the best.

You could pray, but ankle prayers are among those I don’t answer.

- God

Dear God,

I was reading Nietzche this afternoon, and he said that if gods existed he couldn’t bear not to be a god, so therefore gods do not exist. At first I thought he was crazy, which is a convenient thing to think if you disagree with someone. Then I thought about one of the reasons I believe in You. I just couldn’t bear to live in a world in which You didn’t exist. So now I think maybe Nietzche wasn’t really putting forth what you might call the narcissistic argument against Your existence. Maybe he’s making fun of the idea that because you can’t bear to imagine something not being true, that automatically makes it true. Now that I think about it, my own inability to bear something emotionally doesn’t really change things out in the world, does it? So what’s up God? Is Nietzche making fun of me? And is he right?

-Caroline

Dear Caroline,

Nietzche’s crazy.

-God

Dear God,

My name is Megan, and I go to middle school in Pisskapewa, New Jersey. I have lots of friends, but there are these two friends, Kim and Mary, that are nothing but trouble.

They will not stop talking about eachother! I mean, when I’m with Kim, she’s saying things about Mary, and when I’m with Mary, she’s saying things about Kim. What’s worse is that they talk about eachother with other people who aren’t their friends at all! And, they’re always trying to give eachother advice.

What can I say to get them to stop?

- Megan

Megan,

I just got done talking to Kim, and she says that Mary says that you shouldn’t have talked to me about this, because it’s none of my business.

Kim also says that she thinks that Mary is totally out of line.

- God

Dear God,

Where did you go? I came to Advice From God earlier today, and found nothing but a blank screen of blue. Now I see that this divine advice column has changed, adopting a new look.

My religious faith is rocked to the core. I thought that you were supposed to be eternal, and unchanging, God. How could you have gone away? How could you have changed your look?

- Louie

Louie,

I may be eternal, but I am also omnipotent.

If I don’t have the power to update my look, then I am not omnipotent. If I don’t have the power to go away for a while and no longer exist, then I am not omnipotent.

Also, you need to reconsider your idea that I am just one thing. After all, if I don’t have the power to be two-faced, then I am not omnipotent.

Expand your mind, Louie. Also, try to have some patience as I get all the Advice From God features back up. Creation of the Earth took me eight days, after all…

… and just wait until I tell you about that eighth day.

- God

Dear God,

I just saw that amazing video of that meteorite falling through the sky in Edmonton, up in Canada. In the old days, people used to say astronomical events like that were a message from God.

What kind of message is the Edmonton meteorite? Why do you need falling stars to speak to humanity?

- Horace

Horace,

I’m a bit embarrassed to admit it, but there was no message from me in that meteorite last week. I just dropped my car keys. I got a new Prius. Drives great.

- God

Dear God,

I simply had to get the latest hat by designer Philip Treacy. It’s features a black and red disc, with three red rose replicas off to the side. It’s gorgeous, and I got it for a steal at just 595 pounds.

The trouble is that I can’t figure out what to wear with it? What kind of outfit goes best with this hat?

- Gillian

Gillian,

A check to Oxfam for 595 pounds would go great with that hat. Oxfam is a great outfit.

- God

Dear God,

What in the world did Walt Disney mean when he said, “I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known”?

- Hyacinth

Hyacinth,

Many people have misunderstood this statement, and concluded that Walt Disney loved his own cartoon creation more than he loved women. That’s not at all the case.

What Mr. Disney was really talking about was the need for free love. He was comparing a sexual encounter with a known woman to the shallow form of a cartoon, completely two dimensional and predictable.

It was the unknown woman, for Walt Disney, that was able to bring the sensation of greatest love, in the erotic sense. So, for Walt Disney, Mickey Mouse was like a longtime spouse, when what he really sought were a series of flings with women whose names he did not even know.

- God

Dear God,

They say that you are omnipotent, that you can do anything. I don’t believe it.

There’s got to be at least one thing that you can’t do, or you wouldn’t be able to be powerless, and therefore you wouldn’t be all powerful.
So, what’s one thing you can’t do?

- Horatio

Horatio,

You caught me. There is one thing that I can’t do: Drive legally in the state of Florida. Go ahead and look it up in the official records: I’ve never been issued a driver’s license there.

Just let the Florida State Police try to pull me over, though. Just let them try.

- God

Dear God,

I’m confused. Who are God’s chosen people? It seems that almost every ethnic group has some kind of belief that it is the special, divinely chosen, and authentic.

So, which group is it? Who are God’s chosen people?

- Dan

Dan,

Spinosaurus aegyptiacus. They were my chosen people.
Never heard of Spinosaurus aegyptiacus? That’s because they’re extinct.

They were the biggest meat eaters ever to walk the land on planet Earth, huge dinosaurs 55 feet long. They were bigger than Tyrannosaurus Rex.

A few of them were left, still living in peace in Egypt a few thousand years ago, until they were enslaved. Moses was the last of the Spinosaurus aegyptiacus people, and he had to flee after he ate the high priest in the temple of Isis, to die in the desert.
The Jews played a trick on the rulers of Egypt by saying that they were dinosaurs too, and would eat the Pharaoh and his family. That’s why the Pharaoh let the Jews go. Locusts had nothing to do with it.

- God