Advice From God

Dear God,

Author James Haught writes that faith is fading in America.

How could this happen? The coins in the USA read “In God We Trust”! Isn’t that enough proof that America is still devoted to you, God? Why are you allowing faith to fade in our country?

- Delores

Delores,

It’s true. I am allowing faith to fade in the United States. Don’t fear, though. It is all part of The Plan.

By enabling the faithful to fade, they can become more stealthy, walking through crowds unseen. Faded Christian believers will be able to act as perfect spies, sneaking into the offices of the Secular Coalition for America to see what sorts of nefarious non-religiosity these infidels will be up to next.

It’s just another step toward the End Times, Dolores, so go along with my plan. Christianity is going covert, with invisible prayer warriors!

- God

Dear God,

My house has lost half its value over the last two years. Now, my mortgage is 125 percent of the amount I could sell my house for.

What do I do?

- Sydney

Sydney,

The Book of Proverbs advises, “Every wise woman builds her house, but the foolish plucks it down with her hands.”

In other words… well, to be frank, I have no idea what that means. Who has ever heard of a woman plucking down a house with her hands? What if a man plucks down a house? Is that wise?

Here’s what you do: You rent out your house to people who will pay for the mortgage with their rent, while you go live somewhere else.

Above else, do not be like King Hezekiah. He didn’t rent his house. he rented his clothes, silly man. As the Book of Isaiah tells it, “he rent his clothes, and covered himself with sackcloth, and went into the house of the Lord.”

- God