Advice From God

So God,

Are you saying that the reason I can’t mess up BP, but BP can mess up the whole world, is because BP is more powerful than me? That sounds messed up. Kind of like “might makes right.” That’s not ethics, it’s just bullying. What’s up with that?

-Brit

Oh shut up already Brit,

Of course might makes right. I myself decreed that “thou shalt not kill.” And back in the time of Noah I killed everybody except for a drunk and his family on a boat. Was that right? Remember who you’re talking to before you answer, Brit.

I am the Lord of Heaven and Earth. I own everything. That means I have a whole lot invested in BP stocks. I also own you and your sorry $18,000 in retirement savings. I can’t even get to that until the year 2028 without substantial interest and tax penalties. I mean, I could get to it, because I’m all powerful. But you know. Anyhow, the bottom line is this–BP is worth more to me than you.

So shut up.

-God

OK God,

So what if I got a bunch of friends to each chip in five dollars if I pissed all over an AMPM Mini Mart and took a dump in the nachos? That would be “productive,” because I’d be making money for it. Would it be OK then?

-Brit

Brit,

No. That doesn’t sound right. BP, which owns the AMPM Mini Marts, is the fourth largest company in the world, after all. You’ve got to respect that. You’re just some guy. Who are you to take a dump in their nachos?

-God

Dear God,

This whole BP oil spill thing has me pretty steamed, I can tell you. I don’t get how British Petroleum thinks it’s OK to do slovenly drilling and mess up the whole Gulf of Mexico. There’s crude oil all over everything down there, the beaches, the birds, the dolphins, even the ocean floor. It’s like they think they somehow have the right to just mess up the whole world. Well I know it’s the fourth largest company in the world, but that doesn’t mean the world belongs to British Petroleum. The world belongs to everyone, and all the living things on it. Where does BP come off messing it all up?

It’s like, suppose I were to walk into an AMPM Mini Mart (which is owned by BP), whip it out, and just piss all over everything. Yeah, I messed up something that doesn’t belong to me. Just like you, BP.

Would that be wrong?

-Brit

Dear Brit,

Yes, that would be wrong. The act you propose would not be productive. That is to say, it wouldn’t make you any money. It is ethically justifiable to mess up things that do not belong to you if you make money in the process. That is in the Bible. Somewhere.

-God