Advice From God

Dear God,

You may have heard that there’s a big controversy this year about the National Day of Prayer. Christian organizations say that the government ought to be helping their religion, while a judge has pointed out that such government projects are explicitly unconstitutional.

What’s your advice for our leaders? Do you support the National Day of Prayer?

- Lynnie

Lynnie,

Are you kidding me? Why would I support the National Day of Prayer?

When it comes to prayer, people are always thinking about themselves. In my experience, there are two kinds of prayer:

1) Prayers in which people make long winded speeches pretending to tell me about myself. This kind of prayer is always done in front of other people, who are always the real audience.

These prayers go something like this: “Heavenly God, who made certain rules that we must obey, you look down on us and judge us when we stray. You want us to follow your impressive word, and listen to those who speak your true teachings. Help us, Lord, to correct those who disagree with us, and you, as we seek to censor books in the public high school library. We pray in your mighty name, known to all who seek a righteous life, and not libertine smut. Amen.”

2) Whining.

The National Day of Prayer is a national day of whining and selfish speeches. Why would I support that?

Give me some peace. Please, no National Day of Prayer.

- God

Dear God,

You may have heard that we’ve had a gigantic oil spill here on Earth after the explosion of the offshore oil rig Deepwater Horizon. The resulting slick of oil is now larger than what resulted from the wreck of the Exxon Valdez.

I’m wondering if it’s still wise for Barack Obama to support the expansion of offshore drilling for oil along America’s coastline. Some people oppose it, while others continue to hold on to the idea of Drill Baby Drill.

What do you think, God? Should the USA continue to expand its offshore drilling operations?

- Edgar

Edgar,

On no account should offshore drilling for energy be stopped. I’m all for offshore drilling, just so long as it’s far, far offshore – something like 888 billion miles offshore.

Offshore drilling should take place in places like Titan, a moon of Saturn, with its many sources of energy such as frozen methane and hydrocarbon lakes. Titan is already uninhabitable for human beings, so little harm can be done there.

On Earth, it’s a different matter. Why people would want to drill for a vile, toxic fluid such as crude oil is beyond me. Is driving to the convenience store really so important? There’s a reason the stuff is called crude, you know.

- God