How Many Licks Does it Take?
Dear God,
I recall a controversy that was brewing some time ago, but seems to have died down without being resolved. But I remain curious my sweet Lord: How many licks does it take to get to the gum or chewy candy at the middle of a lollipop?
- Nate
Dear Nate,
Excellent question.
Have you ever considered that there might be a tremendous number of variables at play, and that your answer might not come in the form of a single number that holds true in all conditions?
Did you ever pause to reflect on the following factors?
Irregularities in machining that place the soft “middle” slightly off center, creating a lollipop that took a different number of licks from each side?
The pressure and duration of each lick?
The ambient temperature of the room?
The quantity and chemical composition of the saliva of the person doing the licking?
The surface area of tongue making contact with the lollipop at each lick?
Did it ever occur to you that different permutations of these factors would make it impossible to resolve this controversy with a single quantitative response?
No?
Good, because there’s a name for thinking like that.
It’s called “relativism,” and it’s bad. Really, really bad. If you embrace relativism, you reject absolutes. And if you reject absolutes, you will no longer obey the arbitrary dictates of those in authority without pausing to consider the rational, ethical, and empirical basis of those dictates.
And who wants to live like that?
There is an absolute answer to everything.
How many licks does it take?
1,487.
One more or one less, and you’re doing it wrong.
- God
March 14, 2010 at 6:16 pm
