Advice From God

Dear God,

What’s the best thing to do for a sprained ankle?

- Luigi

Luigi,

The best thing to do for a sprained ankle is to apply an ointment called Auntie Kilpa’s Sprain No More, and leave it overnight. The ointment is made by adding ammonia to an ooze found on the floor of a cave at the bottom of a methane ocean on a planet 187 light years from your solar system.

Given that it would take you two human lifetimes to reach the nearest place where Auntie Kilpa’s Sprain No More, even if you could attain the speed of light, I suggest that you put a bag of ice on your ankle, keep it elevated as much as possible, and hope for the best.

You could pray, but ankle prayers are among those I don’t answer.

- God

Dear God,

A memo was recently sent to priests in the Diocese of Westminster, which warned of the spread of the swine flu virus through the act of holy communion, citing, “the risk of contaminating the minister’s hands and chalice during communion with respiratory secretions and passing these on directly into other peoples’ mouths.”

This has me worried. If priests and parishoners are passing the h1n1 swine flu virus back and forth to each other through the wafer and wine of the communion ritual, that’s dangerous enough for them. However, no one seems to be considering the risk to Jesus!

After all, through the ritual of communion, the wafer becomes the body of Jesus, and the wine becomes the blood of Jesus. If someone infected with h1n1 were to take part in communion, they could smear swine flu all over Jesus’s body and pass the virus directly into Jesus’s bloodstream.

In these circumstances, the continuation of communion could prove to be the death of Jesus! What can we do to stop this disaster?

- Bennie

Bennie,

While I share some of your concerns, I think that it is important to remember that Jesus is already dead. However, that doesn’t mean that he can’t get a nasty case of the sniffles.

So, I suggest that all parishoners sip some cold and cough syrup before they take part in communion. Some of the medicine will enter the blood of Jesus by way of backwash, and dull the symptoms of swine flu.

- God

Dear God,

I serve a small, non-denominational Christian church in a small community in the upper Midwest. I have come to believe that the people in my rural county have no one else to provide them with spiritual guidance.

That makes my problem all the worse. You see, I can’t seem to write a good sermon. Church attendance is getting lower and lower. God, how can learn how to write a sermon that will keep my flock in attendance?

- Reverend Ernie Payle

Ernie,

I have looked into you heart. The answer is that you cannot learn to write a good sermon… unless you go to the people at BuyYourCheap.com, who are selling, as they put it, “A great sermons product”.

They explain, “It can be quite a daunting task, especially if you’ve never written one before. Where do you start? What will be your topic? Which portion of the Bible are you expounding on?”

I want to warn you, Ernie, that if you start expounding on the Bible, you ought to have a tissue handy, so that you don’t stain it.

Another source I recommend is SermonWorld.com: “the monthly sermon subscription service that will revolutionize the way you do ministry! Imagine always being prepared a month in advance with complete sermon manuscripts and accompanying Powerpoint files”. This service promises extra “goodies” only available to subscribers.

There’s many a Christian preacher I know who just couldn’t continue in his profession without resorting to those extra “goodies” every now and then, if you know what I mean.

- God

Dear God,

I am planning to run for a seat in the U.S. House of Representatives next year, as an independent candidate. What are the steps that I can take to guarantee my victory?

- Jim

Jim,

1. Make sure that you are legally qualified for office. Are you a citizen? Are you above the minimum age?
2. Get all your petitions signed and turned in on time.
3. Make sure all your required campaign forms are filed correctly.
4. Meet with reporters from all local newspapers. Build friendships with them.
5. After the date for candidates to enter the race has ended, murder all your opponents. Don’t get caught.

Good luck with your campaign, Jim.

- God

Dear God,

I want to have a personal relationship with you, but I feel kind of distant from you still. Maybe it’s just a personal hangup, but I don’t feel that a relationship is very personal when I’m not on a first name basis with someone.

God, do you have a first name, and do you mind if I call you by that name, instead of just calling you “God”?

- Edwin

Edwin,

I do indeed have a first name. It’s Bill. God is my family name.

When I tell them this, a lot of people assume that my first name is William, because that sounds more formal. They’re still in awe of me, and so they call me William.

I am not William. My mother named me Bill. Just Bill. If you call me by the name of William, then you are engaging in heresy.

I’ve just set up a Twitter account under my full name, Bill God, though I haven’t added a picture of me there yet, as I think that would be idolatry.

But, please, don’t call me by the name Bill. Although it’s my first name, I don’t really like it very much. I wish I was named something a bit more flowery, like Aloysius.

Besides, I’ve worked very hard to become God, and I think that my work deserves some recognition. No one ever gave me a trophy, or a wall plaque. So, please just call me God. It’s easier that way.

- God

Dear God,

During her campaign for Vice President in 2008, footage came out suggesting that Sarah Palin thought that you wanted her to go to the White House, as part of your plan for the universe. Now that she’s resigned, Palin has suggested that the resignation is part of a plan for her to go on to greater things.

God, do you endorse Sarah Palin’s resignation, and is it part of a larger, divine plan for her?

- Merlin

Merlin,

Yes, I endorse Sarah Palin’sw resignation. In fact, I appeared to Palin the night before her speech, in the form of a wilting houseplant. I said to her, “Sarah, you must resign as Governor of Alaska in order to serve my plan for the Universe.”

“What is that plan, God?” she asked me. I told her that she had to have faith and trust in the Lord. So, she did. Now that she’s resigned, however, I can tell you what my divine plan is.

There’s a boy who lives in Juneau. He’s 8 years old, and he’s a good boy, and his mom and dad love him. His favorite thing is to ride his bicycle all around town.

Later this month, at 7:17 PM on Thursday the 26th, that boy is destined to be riding his bicycle at the corner of Mallard Street and Crest Street. At the same time, a truck carrying a box full of dictionaries was destined to be driving around the same corner, hitting the boy and killing him… unless that truck could be delayed for just a little bit.

The afternoon before I spoke to Sarah Palin, her advisors had held a linguistic intervention with her. They said that unless she learned to speak better English, she would never be a successful governor.

A few hours later, a teary-eyed Palin opened up a telephone book to the letter B, and picked up the phone. She asked the Hearthside Books & Toys store if they had any dictionaries. They told her there was just one left on their shelves, and asked if she would like them to hold it for her.

I saw my opportunity. Right then and there, I interrupted the telephone call and told Palin what she had to do.

Yes, Sarah Palin’s resignation was part of my divine plan for the world. Because Palin has yet to buy a dictionary, a little Alaskan boy will come home to his mother and father a few weeks from now.

- God