Advice From God

Dear God,

I am an enthusiastic believer in the power of esoteric knowldge. You, surely, are in possession of the most profound level of knowledge possible.

It is with this in mind that I ask you, God, to explain to me the esoteric truth underlying the mystery of the Trinity.

- Benedict

Benedict,

To understand the deeper significance of the Trinity, you need to start with the fundamental truth that, as God, I am omnipresent.

From that primal truth, you must accept that I am present in strawberries. Given that strawberry nature of my divinity, you must then confront the theological challenge of neapolitan ice cream. You gaze upon the Trinity of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry. Which flavor do you eat first?

Remember the command I gave through the prophet Moses: Thou shall have no other gods before me. So, have the strawberry ice cream first.

Of course, being omnipresent, I am also in the chocolate and vanilla. That is the deep mystery of the Trinity.

- God

Dear God,

My attention was caught by a recent speech made by Congressman John Shimkus. Representative Shimkus said that he didn’t think that it was possible that there could be any global warming caused by human activity, because the Bible says that you, God, made the promise to Noah not to try to harm people with warmer weather or by flooding anything.

Shimkus said that he would base his ideas about global warming not on science, but on the Bible, because the Bible is your word, and your word is unchanging. Is it true, God? Is your word unchanging?

- Lorelei

Lorelei,

No, it is not true that my word is unchanging. I change the Word of God every day, as a matter of fact.

Today, for example, the Word of God is blueberry. Yesterday, the Word of God was unforseen. Tomorrow, well, you’ll just have to wait and see.

- God