Advice From God

Dear God,

I don’t know if you heard, but a couple months ago, after she and John McCain lost the 2008 presidential election, Sarah Palin told a television reporter that she was praying a lot about whether to run for President in 2012.

“OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I’m like, don’t let me miss the open door,” she said.

So, God, are you encouraging Sarah Palin to run for President in 2012?

- Paula

Paula,

It just so happens that I do have an open door, just for Sarah, but it’s not the door of the White House. It’s the emergency exit out of the governor’s mansion in Juneau.

I want Sarah Palin to open an ice cream shop in Wasilla. It is her calling in life. It is what I want her to do.

Please, Sarah, stop pretending. Get out your scoop, and practice your banana split.

- God

Dear God,

In 2007, Alan Keyes said he was called by his “allegiance to God and his authority” to run for President. Then, Alan Keyes lost the campaign. He didn’t even get the Republican nomination.

But, I see now that people are asking whether there might have been some crazy divine purpose to the Alan Keyes for President campaign anyway. “How do you know that God did not tell him that? Did you ask God?” one person asks.

Is it true, God? In spite of the fact that Alan Keyes went down to a humiliating defeat, did you have some purpose in having him run for President in the 2008 election?

- Peregrin

Peregrin,

For a long time, I have resisted answering this question. I could go on, but the effort tires me. Yes, I had a purpose in having Alan Keyes run for President.

In 2002, I watched in terrible embarrassment as MSNBC ran the political talk show Alan Keyes Is Making Sense. To have created the world, only to have such a rotten creation broadcast around it, was a torment to me.

I told Alan Keyes to run for President in the 2008 election so that it would be proved to the world, once and for all, that Alan Keyes is not making sense – and that MSNBC’s political reporting isn’t making sense either.

Also, I never got one of the political buttons from the earlier Alan Keyes for President campaign, and I really wanted one for my collection.

- God

Dear God,

One of the biggest political divisions in the United States right now is between people who believe that cutting the taxes of wealthy Americans will stimulate the economy as a whole, and those who believe that the wealthy ought to pull more of their weight.

What’s your opinion, God? Do you support tax cuts for the rich?

- Humphrey

Humphrey,

It has been said of me that “God helps those who helps themselves.” What does that aphorism mean? It means that when you see something you want, you should just help yourself! Take it! Also, when it comes to diets, I disapprove. Cake? Help yourself! Ice cream? Help yourself!

The other aspect of that aphorism is that I believe that the only people who should get help are people who don’t need help. So, when it comes to divine intervention, I only come into the picture after the task has been accomplished. Sometimes, I’ll put a little mystical glow on it, so that I can take credit, but basically, I don’t do anything at all.

Thus, the world appears to be as it would if I didn’t exist at all. Oh, but I’m here. I’m just a divine libertarian, that’s all. I say that the best God is the God that blesses least. I may be omnipotent, but being omnipotent includes the power to not do anything at all. That’s what that aphorism means.

So, in terms of taxation, the way that I apply this fiscal theology is to just let the powerful be powerful, because, after all, they’ve helped themselves! Don’t tax them. Tax the little people who barely have anything to give! They have not helped themselves, and I don’t think we should help them, do you?

You know, my son Jesus once said, when he was talking off-script, that it would be easier for a rich man to get into heaven than for a camel to go through the eye of a needle. What Jesus didn’t mention is that camels are interdimensional creatures who can bend time and space to suit their needs. That’s why camels don’t need to drink much water. They just go into a parallel reality and take water from there. They help themselves! So, you see, camels can move through the eye of a needle very easily. They just go to a parallel reality in which the eyes of needles are as big as houses.

So, rich people can get into heaven easily, and the poor can’t. They’ll burn, burn, burn. Sorry, but that’s how it is, because that’s how I like it. The powerful prosper, and the poor can whine all they like, but there’s no reason for anyone to listen to them. If we did what the poor recommended, then we’d all be poor, right?

What, did you think the universe was a democracy? Heck no! I’m God, and I rule it all! There is no divine Congress or heavenly Supreme Court telling me what to do! I do what I want, and I own everything, and that includes you.

That’s the main reason I am against taxing the rich. I’m the richest person of all. Do you have any idea how much I would have to pay if I had to pay taxes? You don’t want me to lose my estate, do you?

Don’t like it? Tough. Go find another god who will help you – not that it will be easy for you. We all like to have things our own way.

- God

Dear God,

I’m a venture capitalist who has wisely placed all of his investments in companies that have failed, with insurance policies to compensate me for those failures. So, I’ve got a lot of money to play around with, even in these times which are difficult for most other people.

I like cars, and want to add some to my collection. Which cars do you believe offer the best long-term value, for a collector like myself?

- Ruben

Ruben,

For a collector like you, I would recommend Matchbox cars.

- God

Dear God,

I keep on hearing people say that they know what I should be eating, but the problem is that they all say different things about what the best kind of food for me is. I’m confused. How can I tell which foods are the most nutritious.

- Breena

Breena,

There are three kinds of food that are nutritious to eat. Remember these three, and you’ll be set for life.

1. Hole foods. No, these are not whole foods. A lot of people don’t know how to spell. Here’s an easy rule of thumb for identifying hole foods: If a food looks like it’s been sitting in a hole for a week or more, it’s a hole food, and it’s good for you. The fungus adds nourishing vitamins.
2. Pro-bionic foods. Once again, many people make the mistake of mispronouncing this category of food as “pro-biotic”. Pro-bionic foods include motor oil, copper wire, and disposable batteries.
3. Bacon.

Happy eating!

- God

Dear God,

I just read an article about Dutch artist Johan van der Dong saying that he’s set up the telephone number 06-4424-4901 (316-4424-4901 from outside the Netherlands) as a place where people will be able to call and leave a voice mail for God.

I have a difficult time believing that it’s for real. After all, Johan van der Dong sounds like a name some teenager would dream up as part of a joke. So, is it true? Can I reach you by calling that telephone number?

- Alvin

Alvin,

No, you can’t really call me directly at that telephone number. It’s just human performance art.

I do have a telephone number. Anyone who suggests that I don’t is a heretic who fails to believe in my omnipotence. Do they really believe that God does not have the power to have a telephone number? Well, not only do I have that power, but I also have the power to make my telephone number unlisted.

Don’t despair at contacting me by telephone, though. You see, as an omnipotent being I also have the power to wiretap any telephone I want to, including the telephone number set up by that Dutch artist. So, go ahead and make that call if you like. I just might be listening in.

Then again, when you make a telephone call to God, sometimes the answer is, “I’m sorry, but I can’t come to the phone right now…”

- God

Dear God,

I’m not sure how to go about contacting you. Do you have an email to which your flock can submit questions? I am concerned and seek your advice. What are the chances that I will return as a zombie when I die?

- Green Ninja

Green Ninja,

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you already are a zombie. Haven’t you noticed feeling a little bit tired recently? You’re not aging so much as decomposing. You died about ten years ago, and came back as a zombie.

You needn’t worry about it too much. There’s still a great deal that you can achieve as a zombie. Take a look at my son Jesus as an example. Did he let death get him down? Well, yes, I guess he did, but just for a few days, but then he got back on his feet and kept on trying.

Good luck, and as for contacting me, well, that’s what the comment feature after each piece of advice is for. Let me know if you need any more words of wisdom.

- God

Dear God,

Do you really work in mysterious ways?

- Alfonso

Alfonso,

The truth is that no, I do not work in mysterious ways. I sometimes go there on vacation, though, and bring a laptop that I can bring to the local coffee shop so that I don’t look like too much of a slacker.

- God