Advice From God

Dear God,

The ancient Christian sage Origen said that you wisely wrote the Bible as incoherent nonsense so as to provoke believers into a higher level of awareness of divine truth that is only possible through complete confusion.

Was Origin right?

- Brad

Brad,

Origen was babbling nonsense when he wrote that, in order to confuse his followers into greater enlightenment. Origen knew that if he said something really stupid, it would force Christians into a deeper contemplation of his wisdom.

I will give you this insight directly, however. Here is the divine truth behind Origen’s implausible writings:

In a bush, there is a bird with no feathers, with 12 faces and a tail made of copper. The bird is the daughter of the universe, which has no children, and has yet to come into being. The lasagna we eat together is already in your stomach, and is neither pasta nor the plate. I am therefore the name printed on the tag in your pajama bottoms.

There. Are you ascending to heaven yet?

- God

Dear God,

What is the most holy scripture of all?

- Jacob

Jacob,

The most holy scripture of all has never been written in a book, or on a scroll, or even on a scrap of parchment.

The most holy scripture is written in my own hand, and given that I am the size of the universe, it’s pretty big.

I like to use many different fonts in my holy scripture: Grass, blood, ocean waves, nebulas, electrons, and the conversations people have talking into their cell phones while walking down the sidewalk.

You can never hope to know even a millionth of a percent of this scripture, and if you think you understand a piece of it that you happen to run into, you’re only partially right, because the text is longer and deeper and thicker than you can imagine.

Your incurable ignorance of the scripture is the subject of an entire chapter. Be at peace with this, and be glad that I’ve got this blog to give you advice on how to cope with the consequences.

- God

Dear God,

I heard a rumor that the domain name AdviceFromGod.com, where the Advice From God column is hosted, is the target of an attempted takeover. From what I heard, an offer has been made to purchase the registration rights for the web site, though the amount of money offered for the site has not been made public.

Is it true? Are you selling your web site, God? If so, how much would you be willing to accept for Advice From God?

- Ernie

Ernie,

Yes, it is true that I have been contacted by email by someone interested in buying AdviceFromGod.com from me. Apparently, they believe that they can offer advice from God without having God actually providing the amount.

To heap insult upon blasphemy, the person offering to buy this web site had the audacity to suggest that I go to sedo.com in order to achieve a valuation of the worth of Advice From God. To think – these people believe that they can audit me, God, the almighty!

What makes them think that I need their money? What do I need money for, when I am all powerful, all knowing, and infinitely valuable? I already own everything.

So, although this offer has been made, I will not be accepting it. There will be no takeover. It’s a downright satanic idea, if you think about it.

- God

Dear God,

When I got home from a trip to the grocery store today, a question occurred to me that I never stopped to ask before. I can’t think of an answer.

Please help me. Why do Christians wear seat belts when they get into cars? Couldn’t they just pray to you for protection, and then if they got hurt in a car accident anyway, figure that it was your will and accept the injury as a blessing in disguise?

- George

In Christianity, wearing a seat belt is a sacrament that is meant to re-enact the seating of Jesus as my successor in Heaven. The belt represents a hug from Jesus.

George,

- God

Dear God,

In the upstairs hall this morning, my son found a partially digested mouse, vomited by our cat. It’s the third time this week. How can I stop this from happening?

- Nate

Nate,

Mice often cause cats to throw up because they contain a chemical I call ixywattlebaumiphrause. Ixywattlebaumiphrause is a naturally occurring alloy of mercury and iron that is created when asteroids strike coal mines. Mice bodies tend to have ixywattlebaumiphrause in them because they are gullible. Having seen advertisements for clean coal, they’ve established coal spas, where they eat coal, bathe in coal, and drink coal tonics.

Being short-lived, the mice die before they feel the health effects. Ixywattlebaumiphrause causes an odd hallucination in cats: They come to feel that the inside of their throat is coated in tongues, all of them licking, licking, licking.

The only way to get your cat to stop vomitting ixywattlebaumiphrause-laden mice is to get your cat to stop hunting mice. The best way to do this is to dress them in clothes: Shoes, socks, pants, shirts, and white gloves. I know a great pet boutique that even makes little hats that can be attached to a cat’s head with velcro.

When cats have on a suit of clothes, they become quite civilized, and will no longer hunt mice for a living. Some have even been known to begin farming. Those that make a profit with their produce open bank accounts and contribute to the economy.

- God

Dear God,

I was reading Nietzche this afternoon, and he said that if gods existed he couldn’t bear not to be a god, so therefore gods do not exist. At first I thought he was crazy, which is a convenient thing to think if you disagree with someone. Then I thought about one of the reasons I believe in You. I just couldn’t bear to live in a world in which You didn’t exist. So now I think maybe Nietzche wasn’t really putting forth what you might call the narcissistic argument against Your existence. Maybe he’s making fun of the idea that because you can’t bear to imagine something not being true, that automatically makes it true. Now that I think about it, my own inability to bear something emotionally doesn’t really change things out in the world, does it? So what’s up God? Is Nietzche making fun of me? And is he right?

-Caroline

Dear Caroline,

Nietzche’s crazy.

-God

Dear God,

For years, the so-called experts have been telling us that we should think in terms of long term investment. Just invest your money and keep it in one place, managed by financial advisors, they told us, and in the long run, everything will turn out fine.

Well, I’ve been investing for forty years, keeping my money put, waiting for that long term pay off. Now, 80 percent of my money is gone.

So, what do you say, God? Is investing with a long term focus still a good idea?

- Ira

Ira,

Look at it this way. Let’s say that all that you own has been turned into a big pile of shit. Well, in a few years, that shit could be absorbed by trees, if you spread it in a forest. Then, over the course of perhaps ten million years, the trees that grew in that forest might be sucked underground by continental drift, and then with the great pressure of the earth, be turned into highly condensed carbon crystals – diamonds.

It’s all just a matter of time – thinking in the long term. So, yes, long term investment pays off, so long as it’s done over a very long term. Take ten million years, and you can turn your money into real wealth. In the human time scale, though? No, long term investment isn’t an effective strategy then.

- God

Dear God,

Are you related to the Advice Goddess? I’m asking, because if you’re not, maybe I could hook you guys up.

Anyway, she’s writing a column today complaining about how Barack Obama has created a special White House council for women and girls without doing the same for men and boys. What’s your opinion? Should our society create councils for men and boys?

- Francine

Francine,

I am not related to the Advice Goddess by blood or marriage, except for the fact that I created her. That would make a relationship with her kind of incestuous, if you think about it. Of course, that didn’t stop me with Mary. She was my descendent, but I went for it anyway, because I was feeling lonely that night. Now look what I’m stuck with. A one-night stand births an entire religion, and people praying, praying, praying, begging for help all the time. I should have kept it tucked.

My comment about the White House council on women and girls is this: I want to know how come humans get all the councils and government assistance. How come no one ever sets up a charity for divine beings?

Did you know that most divine beings are single parents? Most of us are also the children of broken homes, or completely homeless. We’re also self-employed, which means that we get terrible health insurance.

It is true that I do get great visitation rights, but no one ever thinks to include me in parent-teacher conferences.

- God

Dear God,

I recently read that new research shows that Christianity is a terrible place for women to find husbands. It seems that Christian churches are jam packed full of women, but not so many men. It was suggested to me that I go look among atheists if I wanted to meet a future husband.

Is this good advice?

- Suzy

Suzy,

It’s true that I’ve always been more interested in women than men, though I do swing both ways, if you know what I mean. I am fully anatomically correct, and that intimidates a lot of men who might otherwise become Christians, given that I’m the size of the entire universe.

So, the answer depends on what you’re interested in. Yes, if you’re looking for an available human male for marriage, you’ll have better luck among atheists than among Christians.

If marriage isn’t really what’s on your mind, though, I can show you a really good time – no commitments.

Call me.

- God

Dear God,

I have become very worried ever since Sarah Palin failed to become Vice President in last year’s election. As she and her church in Wasilla said, it was clear that you, God, had a plan for Sarah. I worry that the plan was thwarted, and I know that there are always consequences when the will of God is thwarted.

Then, today, I read that the will of God is being thwarted in other places too. In the Nigerian state of Ogun in Nigeria, Governor Otunba Gbenga Daniel has warned that Satan is on the move against his divinely ordained political leadership there too: “The events of the recent days have shown urgent need for Allah’s intercession as these events have revealed that certain agents of Satan are bent on taking over our state. Through various machinations, they have tried to destabilize the peace that prevails in the state.”

Is there a connection, God?

- Julie

Julie,

Yes, certainly there is a connection. After all, there is, through me, a connection between all things.

Here’s the connection: Everybody is out to get me. Haven’t you noticed it? All these people all over the world are going against the will of God. Why? I work, and I work, and it never seems that it’s good enough, and now they want what’s mine!

Sarah Palin and Otunba Gbenga Daniel are different in one respect, however. Whereas Governor Palin is my servant, Governor Daniel is the servant of Allah. Allah, to be frank, is a poser.

Allah wants to be like me, but I am God and Allah is Allah. That doesn’t stop Allah from following me around and imitating everything that I do.

When I started wearing long flowing robes, Allah started wearing long flowing robes. When I got some prophets, Allah had to get prophets as well.

Now that Satan is working against my political servants on Earth, well Allah thinks that he has to have the agents of Satan working against him too. I got Sarah Palin, and he got Otunba Gbenga Daniel.

Oh, it irritates me! Go on and be a god, Allah, but get your own look, okay? Everybody knows you’re just a wannabe.

- God