Advice From God

Dear God,

I have been dating this very nice guy, but I just think of it as a casual thing. The trouble is that he’s recently been saying how he’s in love with me. I am definitely not in love with him. So, I told him that he should feel free to see other people, but he doesn’t want to do that. What do you think I should do?

- Patty

Patty,

I think you should tell this guy that you have been seeing other people, like the Virgin Mary. Have sex with him one last time, and then, when you’re getting out of bed, tell him that you see the image of the Virgin Mary in the wrinkled bedsheets.

Don’t let him touch the blankets. Every time he does, scream, “You’re hurting our Blessed Mother!” Pray in Latin at the foot of the bed. Twitch a little for extra effect.

Then, get out your cellphone and pretend that you’re calling the local Catholic Church to have them send a priest over right away. So long as you don’t crack a smile, your relationship should be over fairly soon, and you won’t have to feel guilty about it because your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend will want it that way.

- God

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