Advice From God

Dear God,

I need help with my son. He is so much of a perfectionist that he is afraid to try anything because he is afraid he will fail. He gets good grades but now that he is going into high school he said won’t take the advanced courses because he doesn’t want to watch other people do better than he is doing. I don’t think this is healthy. What can I do to help him?

- Maurice

Maurice,

I can sympathize with your son. I’m a bit of a perfectionist myself. Can you imagine what it’s like to have a reputation of being all powerful, knowing everything and being perfectly good all the time? Sometimes, I feel trapped by this perfection.

Do you know how long it took me to get started in creating the world? It was a lot longer than seven days, I can tell you that. I was there in the darkness, looking upon the face of the deep for ages. I was afraid that if I created the world, I would make a mistake.

So, for your son’s sake, all I can tell you is what helped me with my perfectionism. When I had a son, I watched him make mistakes, and get in trouble with the authorites. He was arrested and thrown into jail and everything. Then, with the crucifixion, well, it was just heartbreaking.

Frankly, it was embarrassing to me. I had all the other gods coming up to me and making fun of me. “Hey, it looks like Mr. Newborn King is king of a cave! How’s that new Jerusalem coming along?” Jesus said he would return, but he was so ashamed that he just went into hiding.

So, we screwed up. But, you know what I learned? I learned that you can’t worry about trying to be perfect all the time. So what if a prophecy doesn’t come true every now and then? No big deal. So what if I don’t know everything that’s going on? Who said it’s my business? It’s okay if make a mistake. So what if I made a flawed world with pain and suffering? Nobody’s perfect.

So, when it comes to your son, I’d say that what he needs is to get someone pregnant, and have a child, and have that child get in trouble and go to jail and get executed. Then, your son will really loosen up, and not be so perfectionist anymore. It sounds like your son is at an age where he has mature sexual function, so you can start this therapy right away.

Let me know how it works out for him.

- God

Dear God,

I have been dating this very nice guy, but I just think of it as a casual thing. The trouble is that he’s recently been saying how he’s in love with me. I am definitely not in love with him. So, I told him that he should feel free to see other people, but he doesn’t want to do that. What do you think I should do?

- Patty

Patty,

I think you should tell this guy that you have been seeing other people, like the Virgin Mary. Have sex with him one last time, and then, when you’re getting out of bed, tell him that you see the image of the Virgin Mary in the wrinkled bedsheets.

Don’t let him touch the blankets. Every time he does, scream, “You’re hurting our Blessed Mother!” Pray in Latin at the foot of the bed. Twitch a little for extra effect.

Then, get out your cellphone and pretend that you’re calling the local Catholic Church to have them send a priest over right away. So long as you don’t crack a smile, your relationship should be over fairly soon, and you won’t have to feel guilty about it because your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend will want it that way.

- God

Dear God,

My name is Megan, and I go to middle school in Pisskapewa, New Jersey. I have lots of friends, but there are these two friends, Kim and Mary, that are nothing but trouble.

They will not stop talking about eachother! I mean, when I’m with Kim, she’s saying things about Mary, and when I’m with Mary, she’s saying things about Kim. What’s worse is that they talk about eachother with other people who aren’t their friends at all! And, they’re always trying to give eachother advice.

What can I say to get them to stop?

- Megan

Megan,

I just got done talking to Kim, and she says that Mary says that you shouldn’t have talked to me about this, because it’s none of my business.

Kim also says that she thinks that Mary is totally out of line.

- God

Dear God,

Who has seen the wind?

- Humphrey

Humphrey,

On the southwest coast of France, there is a small beach resort community called Contis-Plage. About 5 kilometers inland from there along the Allee du Pont Rose, there is another town, less visited, named Contis-Les-Marais. There is a road there, just outside the eastern end of town, that leads to the southeast. One kilometer along that road, in the Foret Domaniale De Lit-et-Mixe, there is a giant oak tree, broken in half.

Walk to the side of the tree away from the road, and you will see a little door in the side of the tree. Behind that door is the home of a gnome named Clive, an immigrant from Cornwall.

He has seen the wind.

- God

Dear God,

Do you ever really answer our prayers?

- Yusef

Yusef,

Do you ever answer the front door when a dog barks outside? Do you ever open the refrigerator for the ants on your kitchen counter? Do you ever restrain yourself from using antibacterial soap when you know that there are germs on your hands? Do you ever turn off your porch light when you see moths dashing their soft bodies against it on a summer evening?

- God

Dear God,

Industry-aligned think tank researcher Roy Spencer seems to have been mixing religion and science in his work for the Interfaith Stewardship Center, which advocates a “proper and balanced Biblical view of stewardship to the critical issues of environment and development.” Roy Spencer’s specific work in this area relates to climate change, an issue that Spencer has commented on while working for organizations that take money from Exxon-Mobil.

I’m confused about this idea that there a Biblical view of climate change, given that the Bible was written two thousand years ago, and climate change has only been happening within the last century.

What part of the Bible provides the Interfaith Stewardship Center’s “Biblical view” on climate change?

- Bud

Bud,

It’s very clear. Genesis, Chapter 8 explains it all: “God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters assuaged.”

This passage very clearly states that it’s me, God, who makes the weather, not human beings. Furthermore, the passage states that increased winds lead to lower sea levels. Sea levels are rising now, and so that must mean that winds are calming down, and that is an observation that’s completely at odds with climate models of what would take place under global warming.

There you have it. Everything you need to prove that global warming isn’t taking place is right there in the Bible.

- God

Dear God,

Yesterday, you made reference to an eighth day of Creation, something that isn’t mentioned in the Bible.

My curiosity can’t hold out until you volunteer the information. I have to ask: What did you create on the eighth day, God?

- Louie

Louise,

I am so glad you asked, but I have a feeling you won’t be so glad when you get the answer. On the eighth day of Creation, I made an infinite number of parallel dimensions, each with an alternative version of the reality that you know. This infinite number of dimensions was an unavoidable consequence of free will, which I made when I created human beings.

You see, each alternative reality represents another possibility – the world as it would have been if someone had made just one different decision. Morally, that means that even if you live the most ethical life possible in this reality, in another dimension, you’re an incurable sinner.

That means that, no matter how hard you try, you’re doomed to burn in Hell for all eternity, and it’s all your fault… or at least your fault in some other dimension. Prepare the asbestos.

- God

Dear God,

Where did you go? I came to Advice From God earlier today, and found nothing but a blank screen of blue. Now I see that this divine advice column has changed, adopting a new look.

My religious faith is rocked to the core. I thought that you were supposed to be eternal, and unchanging, God. How could you have gone away? How could you have changed your look?

- Louie

Louie,

I may be eternal, but I am also omnipotent.

If I don’t have the power to update my look, then I am not omnipotent. If I don’t have the power to go away for a while and no longer exist, then I am not omnipotent.

Also, you need to reconsider your idea that I am just one thing. After all, if I don’t have the power to be two-faced, then I am not omnipotent.

Expand your mind, Louie. Also, try to have some patience as I get all the Advice From God features back up. Creation of the Earth took me eight days, after all…

… and just wait until I tell you about that eighth day.

- God