Advice From God

Dear God,

Today, I am not writing my praise to You from Red Lobster like I usually do. Instead, I thought I’d see if I could pick up the Starbuck’s wifi hotspot from a barbecue restaurant down the street over a plate of spareribs. Seems to be working well. Sweet.

Anyhow, thanks for the help passing Proposition 8. We really worked around the clock on that one, and I know we couldn’t have done it without You. The good folk of California are celebrating our victory over the forces of evil O Lord. We know well and obey your word:

“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.” (Leviticus 18:22)

May the gays and bisexuals and perverts and blasphemers hear and obey the law! Praise to You, Almighty Lord.

-Your Humble Servant, Gary

Dear Gary,

It is indeed humble of you to assume that you have My blessing on an ill-conceived proposition repealing civil rights on the basis of things consenting adults do in private that your wife secretly wishes you would try on her. How meek and timorous of you to think your vindictive little grudge against family, liberty and equality has the full force of My will. The next time you wonder whether I am weighing in on one of your petty little propositions, look for signs like rains of frogs or ballots spontaneously combusting the instant a voter marks “No on 8.”

The next time you want to protect a traditional family, ease up on taking people’s rights away and spend more time at home with your wife, Gary. And attend to it properly. I hear her prayers too.

You are taking Leviticus 18:22 out of context, Gary. When I say “thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind,” I’m not talking to people like you who are more or less straight when they’re not being sanctimoniously anti-sexual. I am talking to closeted gays like Ted Haggard. I don’t want them engaging in the same-old perfunctory copulation they perform with their wives when they finally get a chance to be with a man on the lowdown. I want them to mix it up a little, call that hot bodybuilder masseur and tell him to bring some crystal meth baby, yeah.

What? I’m against crystal meth? Really? Where does it say so in the Bible, Gary? What are you trying to say, the Bible is not my word to you? I didn’t have the power or omniscience to get the Bible to forbid crystal meth even though it wasn’t invented when the Bible was written?

Now you’re really starting to incur my wrath, Gary.

How much of Leviticus did you actually read? How about those king crab legs you wolf down while you praise me? Hath it fins and scales, Gary? Moveth it in the waters? You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you Gary?

“These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat. And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you: They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination.” (Leviticus 11:9-11)

Sound familiar? Of course not. Because you never read the Bible, Gary. And don’t try to bullshit me, I’m omniscient. By the way, those seashells you collected last year by the shore–get them out of your house, ye have their carcasses in abomination.

So now you’ve gone from king crab legs to barbecue spare ribs. That’s a dead pig you’re gnawing on there, Gary. Divideth it the hoof? Cheweth it the cud? No clue again, Gary? Why (other than being omniscient) am I not surprised?

“And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be cloven-footed, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcass shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you.” (Leviticus 11:7-8)

That’s two sins you’re blithely committing while you falsely praise me for backing your stupid little gay bashing proposition. Why would I be anti-gay? It doesn’t make sense. I am a man. I am omnipresent. I am whole and complete in every point in space. Now chew on this for a while, Gary: if my complete male body is present in every point in space, where is my penis right now? It’s in you, Gary. That’s right. Think on that the next time you get all high and mighty about the queers. Not that I’m gay. I’m actually bisexual. As we speak, my penis is also inside your wife’s body-at least one of us is up to the task.

But hey, congratulations on getting that Starbuck’s wifi to work on your laptop. Wait a second, isn’t Starbuck’s wifi for Starbuck’s customers? Did you buy anything at Starbuck’s, Gary? No. Still not catching on to how this works, are you?

“Thou shalt not steal.” (Exodus 20:15)

Next time you get an urge to pick on a queer to, y’know, to do the world a favor and all, do Me a favor and don’t. Go home, pay attention to your wife, read your Bible, and try to grow a brain.

-God

Dear God,

I was searching for information about the Inauguration of Barack Obama as our next President of the United States on January 20 this year, when I came across a web site promoting an inauguration demonstration to take place at a particular spot along the parade route on Pennsylvania Avenue. Apparently, this demonstration is designed to urge President Obama to work to uphold the Constitution.

Isn’t that what Obama’s promising to do with his Oath of Office, though?

Is it worth participating in this protest?

- Frieda

Frieda,

This is a matter of your judgment.

If you believe that a politician, upon making a promise, can be relied upon to keep that promise, then no, you shouldn’t go to the political demonstration.

If, however, you believe that a politician needs to receive pressure and input from citizens to keep his promises, then it’s a very good idea for you to participate.

- God

Dear God,

There’s a big scandal brewing about whether Creationist preacher Rick Warren should be given the special honor of performing an official Christian prayer to introduce the Inauguration of Barack Obama.

What do you think, God? Should Rick Warren be in the Inauguration?

- Kenneth

Kenneth,

No, Kenneth, I do not think that Rick Warren should be in the Obama Inauguration. Here’s why: Rick Warren is a liar.
I recently read in some documents from the Saddleback Church that Rick Warren has been telling people, “God
wants to heal your hurt and your heart in a safe, post-abortion support group.”

That was a lie. I have never been in a post-abortion support group, and I have never wanted to go to one.

Why is he trying to say that I, God, want to go to a post-abortion support group? It seems to me that Rick Warren is trying to imply that I have had an abortion. Frankly, it’s none of his business if I have.

I defy Rick Warren to produce a photograph of me attending any post-abortion support group. If he’s got the evidence, then he ought to come out with it. Otherwise, Rick Warren should just shut up and stop lying about me.

- God

Dear God

News has come out that one of my favorite religious authors, Neale Donald Walsch, has been caught plagiarizing the work of another writer, copying it word for word and claiming that he wrote it himself.

Now, some are claiming that this isn’t the first case of plagiarism involving Neale Donald Walsch. Some people are saying that you were involved in a plagiarism conspiracy with Walsch.
They’re saying that the Conversations With God books, in which Walsch claims to quote you, God, were actually all written by Walsch. They’re saying that you just took credit for Walsch’s words, and that he paid you off to keep you quiet.

Is it true, God? Is it true?

- Tanya

Tanya,

I am disappointed with you. Did you really think that I wouldn’t notice that you have plagiarized this question? I wrote this question myself a few hundred years ago, as part of a one act musical entitled Holy Scriptures!
Now, I have a piece of advice for you, Tanya. Neale Donald Walsch wrote it down in Conversations With God after I told him to: Make your life a gift and remember in all ways you are the gift.

If that doesn’t work, then okay, go ahead steal another writer’s words. Remember, they are the gift.

- God