Advice From God

Dear God,

On this, the eve of Thanksgiving, I want to express to you how thankful I am to you for everything.

I am thankful to you for power saws and cracked windows and hoarfrost and potato bugs and lint and sea gulls and potholes and static electricity and hot air balloons and the number pi. You, who have created all these things and more than a limited, unworthy being such as myself, are to be congratulated, but what can I do to show gratitude to you?

You are strong and we are weak. How can we poor, humble humans best show thanks to you, in all your heavenly majesty?

- Kirstee

Kirstee,

The first thing you can do to demonstrate your gratitude is to knock it off with the obsequious bowing and scraping. It irritates me.

The second thing you can do to show thanks to me is to sell everything you have in order to buy as many sequins and as much glue as you can. Then, carry the sequins and glue on your back as you climb Mount Everest. When you reach the top, start gluing the sequins, one by one, to the exposed rocks you find there. Then, when you’re done, return home, earn some more money and do it all over again.

I would really appreciate that kind of gesture.

You asked.

- God

Hi. I’m Jesus.

My dad said that I could use his blog to make a comment on something that has been bothering me for a long time now. It’s the Christmas carol Do You Hear What I Hear?.

Specifically, what hurts my feelings is the verse that goes A child, a child, shivering in the cold, let us bring him silver and gold.

People, why did they want to bring me silver and gold? I was cold! I didn’t ask for money. Didn’t they know that metals conduct heat?

My feelings were hurt long ago. Why are people singing to bring this trauma back to the surface?

Dear God,

I just saw that amazing video of that meteorite falling through the sky in Edmonton, up in Canada. In the old days, people used to say astronomical events like that were a message from God.

What kind of message is the Edmonton meteorite? Why do you need falling stars to speak to humanity?

- Horace

Horace,

I’m a bit embarrassed to admit it, but there was no message from me in that meteorite last week. I just dropped my car keys. I got a new Prius. Drives great.

- God

Dear God,

Sarah Palin has made it clear on many occasions that she believes that you, and not the voters of the United States of America, will decide who wins the election of 2008. Palin says that she supports you in disenfranchising the American voters. She says she just wants God’s will to be done.

So what is it, God? What is your will in the presidential election of 2008?

- Jules

Jules,

I’m a religious leader, and so I think it’s inappropriate for me to endorse any particular candidate for public office. However, I’ll come right out and state that it is not my will that Sarah Palin be elected as Vice President of the United States. Heck, I don’t even think she should be re-elected as Governor of Alaska.

Sarah Palin ought to know that there is a difference between her will and my will. She is not God. I am. I mean, our hair is nothing at all alike, and I don’t wear glasses!

So, on Election Day, my endorsement is for anyone but Sarah Palin and… oh, who is that other guy she’s running with? Well, what’s his name doesn’t have my support either.

You’ve heard the divine word straight from God now, so all you values voters out there know what you have to do. That includes you, Sarah. Obey the will of God. Don’t vote for yourself.

- God