Dear God,

I have a Christian friend who says that Halloween is an evil holiday that encourages people to worship the devil and sacrifice babies to Satan. I don’t believe it. How could a holiday be evil?

- Sam

Sam,

You’re right, Sam. Other than Groundhog’s Day, there is no such thing as an evil holiday. Vile, pesky little groundhogs must be exterminated!

I love Halloween. In fact, I’m going trick or treating tonight, dressed up as a black cat. Watch the video below and tell me if you like my costume, okay?

- God

Dear God,

I’m confused by an opinion poll commissioned by the TV show Religion and Ethics NewsWeekly. The poll finds that a majority of Americans believe that the United States of America has a special superior blessing from you, God. Yet, the same poll finds that an even higher majority of Americans believes that the United States often does more harm than good in the world.

That means that at least half of Americans believe that you, God, have blessed the USA to be the best nation on earth, and yet the USA messes up a lot of the time.

How is this possible?

- Everett

Everett,

Your puzzlement is caused by a fundamental misunderstanding. You believe that the blessing of God will lead people to make wise judgments in life. That’s an arrogant presumption. Wisdom is a quality of God, not of human being. The truly God-loving people of the earth have the integrity not to be wise.

Besides, how is anyone ever going to get to heaven without making lots of mistakes? You have to be forgiven to get to heaven, not right. I bless the United States with messing up a lot, so that Americans will have a lot more opportunities to ask me for forgiveness, and then go to heaven.

Don’t think about it Everett. Just trust me, and embrace the divinely-inspired mishaps of life.

-God

Dear God,

I’m reading reports about Sarah Palin’s church and its obsession with python spirits, what are supposed to be demonic creatures. Apparently, the people at the Wasilla Assembly of God church rant and rave about stomping on the heads of python spirits.

I guess I can understand that people don’t like the idea of demons, but the language out of that church seems extremely violent to me. How is it that we’re supposed to be violent against demons because of their cruelty? Isn’t that a contradiction? Shouldn’t we face cruelty with compassion?

- Buck

Buck,

Yes, I think you understand much better than Ed Kalnins. Remember, when Jesus said, “Turn the other cheek,” he didn’t say, “except for python spirits and other demonic forces”.

I’m good friends with a python spirit myself. His name is Luigi. He likes to tickle me with his tongue. It’s kind of creepy, but I like him.

- God

Dear God,

In order to try to get Christianity taught in public schools, there are organizations that have created courses designed to teach the Christian Bible as literature, with the idea being that the Bible is such a well written book that it should be studied in order to help children become better writers themselves.

What do you think of this approach?

- Cadman

Cadman,

I have a hard time how anyone can avoid recognizing the literary worth of the Bible. All children have something to learn from the book. Take the following passage as an example:

When Israel finished killing all the inhabitants of Ai in the open ground and where they had followed them into the wilderness, and when all to a man had fallen by the edge of the sword, all Israel returned to Ai and slaughtered all its people. The number of those that fell that day, men and women together, was twelve thousand, all people of Ai.

Isn’t that just the kind of thing we need children to be reading more of?

- God

Dear God,

I’ve got a couple of business colleagues who always like to go out for a beer after work on Fridays. I go with them, but when we get to the bar, they start having a conversation about about the qualities of beer and the different kinds of beer, and I have no idea what they’re talking about. I end up feeling intimidated, and staying quiet for most of the time, and it’s not working out well. I’m always worried I’ll end up ordering the wrong beer.

God, can you tell me how to tell the difference between a good beer and a bad beer?

- Paul

Paul,

Here are some tips. If the beer has the letters sch together in the name, it’s not considered a good beer. If the beer name has two vowels next to each other in more than one place, as in Hoegaarden, that’s a plus.

Next, look at the label. Is a silver color prominent on the label? If so, avoid it. Now, look at the font. Does it have interesting hooks and twists to it? That’s a good sign. Is it smooth, and at a diagonal tilt, with a 3-D effect on the lettering? That’s a bad sign.

Here are some things you can say about your beer to get you through the conversation:

It has a mild horse aroma to it, but I like it.
There’s a dampness to the grain.
The quality of the head is rather unexpected.
I prefer more a fine bead to my carbonation.
When I saw the lacing, I presumed that there would be more of a chocolate finish.

Also, you can look at any food item on the menu, and say that the beer has a hint of that item in its aftertaste, and then wait for a response.

- God

Dear God,

I simply had to get the latest hat by designer Philip Treacy. It’s features a black and red disc, with three red rose replicas off to the side. It’s gorgeous, and I got it for a steal at just 595 pounds.

The trouble is that I can’t figure out what to wear with it? What kind of outfit goes best with this hat?

- Gillian

Gillian,

A check to Oxfam for 595 pounds would go great with that hat. Oxfam is a great outfit.

- God

Dear God,

I need to buy a birthday gift for a friend, but I don’t know what to get. What do you suggest?

- Edward

Edward,

Buy your friend a box of paper clips. Buy a thumbtack. Buy a set of 3 rolls of masking tape - one very wide, one not so wide, and one very narrow indeed. But a stick of chewing gum. Buy a hammer. Buy a nail.

Buy anything, but wrap it up in paper, tie it up with a bow, and write a note on the outside with the one-word message: “Sincerely”.

- God

Dear God,

I just read that you are acquitted by judge Marlon Polk after Senator Ernie Chamber from Nebraska charged you with crimes against humanity, for terror, death and destruction. The Senator wanted an injunction to stop you from continuing such crimes.

The judge said that an address is necessary so that the person charged can be informed about the charge and receive the necessary papers.

Since he didn’t know to which address he could send you his papers, he just had to acquit you.

So I wonder, how do you feel about this? Are you relieved?

Or do you perhaps want to be so helpful as to inform the judge about your address?

- Jo

Jo,

I can say this now, since I’ve been acquitted, but that judge definitely knows where I live. He lied about that.

How do I know that the judge knows my mailing address? That’s simple. It was written on the check I wrote to him, when I bribed him to dismiss the case. My address is 5320 Mountain View Lane, Atlantic City, New Jersey, 50022.

The best part is the amount of money I wrote that check for when I bribed the judge: Twenty Jillion Dollars. Silly judge. Didn’t he know that there’s no such thing as a jillion?

- God

Dear God,

I have a problem with my computer screen. I have a beautiful view from my office, with windows on three walls, but when I arrive in the morning the sun shines so strongly that I can hardly see anything I’m doing on the computer. The same thing happens in the afternoon, when the sun comes in from the opposite direction.

How can I get around this problem?

- Hercule

Hercule,

I have had the same problem myself. Once, I had a branch office in England, but the sun created an annoying glare that distracted me from my work - especially during certain seasons. It was there I made the platypus. Sorry, platypus, but I had a hard time seeing what I was doing.

So, I set up some big stone blocks to get the sun out of my eyes. You can do the same thing, though with lighter Space Age materials that were not available to me back in the day. Set up an Officehenge.

If you do it right, there’s an extra added benefit that, whenever the light goes around your office to a particular place, you’ll know when it’s time to stop working and turn on your favorite TV shows.

- God

Dear God,

Why did you design the octopus with eight arms? Wouldn’t four arms have been just as effective? Couldn’t you gave gone to ten arms, as long as you were going for a big quantity?

- Jean-Jacques

Jean-Jacques,

The octopus has eight arms because it’s called the octopus. Duh. Oct means eight, you know.

Look, you’re not a deity, so you don’t understand how this works. First, you name the animal. Then you create it. So, I named the animal the octopus, and then I had to give it eight legs.

Same thing with the centipede. I named it the centipede, and then I had to give it 100 legs.

Yes, I know - centipedes don’t really have 100 legs. That’s because of Satan, who keeps on trying to make me look bad. He knocked some of the centipede’s legs off. He said it was for the sake of efficiency.

Efficiency is the devil’s tool.

- God

Dear God,

I am stuck in a boring meeting today. What can I do to get through it without going insane?

- Doug

Doug,

You need to learn to count your blessings.

Now, you may be asking yourself, what blessings I’m talking about. You may wonder where all these blessings are, so that you can count them. Don’t worry. I am here to help.

Your blessings are stored underneath the fingernail on your left hand’s pinky. In order to access your blessings, however, you need to have the right password. You enter the password, in morse code, by tapping on your pinky fingernail.

I’m not going to give you the password to your little cache of blessings. You have to guess it, but I’ll give you a clue: It has something to do with your secret fears about your middle name.

Get to work on it, and that ought to keep you busy through the end of your meeting.

- God

Last month, I responded to a reader’s question, asking whether or not I truly supported Sarah Palin’s plans for a natural gas pipleline in Alaska. Sarah Palin said that the fossil fuel pipeline was the will of God, but the truth is that I supported a maple syrup pipeline.

Actually, I didn’t tell the whole story. I did place my divine mandate on a gas pipeline - just not a natural gas pipeline. I told Sarah Palin I wanted a supernatural gas pipeline.

Supernatural gas is produced when I eat heavenly beans, rich in holy fiber. It’s a great source of energy.

Why did Sarah Palin oppose the building of a supernatural gas pipeline? Why did she ignore the will of God?

Maybe the supernatural gas idea is just a little too stinky. Do you think so?

- God