Dear God,

Are you any good at algebra? I only ask because it is all about unknowns, and I guess they must be pretty unfamiliar to you.

-Joe

Dear Joe,

Well Joe, has it ever occurred to you that if unknowns were unfamiliar to me, there would be something I didn’t know? Nothing is unknown to me, including unknowns.

This is what distinguishes me from, say, Donald Rumsfeld, who knows that there are known unknowns and unknown unknowns, but has no knowledge of unknown unknowns other than the fact that they lend themselves poorly to war propaganda, but lend themselves quite well to half-assed excuses for killing tens of thousands of people he didn’t know he didn’t know he didn’t have to kill.

I am very good at algebra. In fact, I am far better at algebra than a mere mortal mind like yours could possibly comprehend. Here’s an example:

Let X = an unknown integer between 5 and 10.

What is the value of X? Well, it’s unknown. But I happen to know it’s 7.

See? I’m a math whiz, yo.

-God

God never drinks coffee after lunch because coffee late in the day makes him feel jittery. God worries that if he were ever to set foot on solid ground after having an afternoon cup of Joe, he could cause a series of earthquakes so powerful that they would threaten the destruction of human civilization. Such a thing has never happened, mind you, but that doesn’t stop God from worrying about it. Besides, God doesn’t feel like himself if he fails to get a good night’s sleep.