Dear God,

I’m a bit confused with this nun thing you’ve got going on.

I was reading The Golden Bough, by James Frazer, and a passage gave me pause: “Mukasa, the god of the Victoria Nyanza lake, who was propitiated by the Baganda every time they undertook a long voyage, had virgins provided for him to serve as his wives. Like the Vestals they were bound to chastity.”

I read that, and I thought, “Well, why doesn’t the Christian God have virgins like that?” Then I realized that you do. All those nuns, the Christian virgins that are described as the wives of God.

What do you want a bunch of virgins for?

- Ted

Ted,

It’s a little vanity piece, really. When we gods get together, we like to compare our collections of virgins.

For example, last night, I had Nodutus over for dinner. Not a lot of people know who Nodutus is. He’s the god of tying knots in the stalks of wheat plants. No kidding. Go look it up.

Well, naturally, our conversation turned to virgins. “I’ve got a new set,” Nodutus said to me, “over in the Ukraine. They’re dancing virgins, and they’ve all had breast enhancement surgery. They’re chaste - lap dances only - but man, are they built.”

Nodutus is, in my opinion, rather coarse in his taste of virgins. Nonetheless, he knows where my vulnerable spots are, and he hit hard last night. We were having custard for desert when Nodutus asked me, right out of the blue, “How come all your virgins wear sensible shoes?”

I didn’t know what to say. Here I am, the creator of the universe, and I’m supposedly all powerful, but I still can’t get my virgins to wear anything but comfortable shoes. One of these days, I’m going to trade my nuns in for something more up to date, but the truth is that I have a lot of trouble keeping track of the latest fashions in virgins. I suppose if you’re a god who doesn’t have anything to do but tie knots in the stalks of grain, then you can spend most of your days going virgin shopping. Me, I’m more busy than that.

- God

This entry was posted on Monday, March 17th, 2008 at 8:14 am and is filed under All God's Advice, Divine Rivals. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.