Dear God,

Last year, my husband and I moved into our neighborhood because it seemed like such a friendly place. What we didn’t know is that the neighbors would be so friendly that we couldn’t have a social life of our own.

Every evening, one of our neighbors stops in to say hi. Usually, it’s just around the time that we’re about to eat, or to go to sleep, or just sit down and watch the television. They knock on the door and then come right in, as if they’re welcome.

Now I wish that we had never moved here. How can we avoid our friendly neighbors so that we can finally have some peace?

- Etta

Etta,

There are many options available to you.

1. Lay tacks on the sidewalk leading to your door.

2. Don’t talk when your neighbors visit. Just put your hand to your throat, and then shrug, and just look at your neighbors while they talk, until their leave.

3. Put a sign on your door reading “Emergency sewage problem”.

4. Make sure that your husband calls every female neighbor who visits “pretty lady”, while he smiles at you knowingly.

5. Don’t mow the lawn. Ever.

6. Whenever you see your neighbors coming toward your door, get out your cell phone, and put it up next to your ear. Whenever your neighbor tries to say anything, put your finger up in the air.

7. When talking with your neighbors, end every sentence with the phrase, “In a manner of speaking”.

8. Institute a mandatory visitor water balloon fight policy.

9. Offer your neighbors something to drink, and then hand them a glass full of tabouli.

10. Every five minutes, interrupt the conversation by holding up your hand, cocking your ear to the side, and saying “Hold on a minute”.

11. Whenever your neighbors ask you a question, get out an Eight Ball and shake it for a response.

12. Tell your neighbors, “I’m just going to check my email,” then go get in your car and have a drink at the local bar.

You get the idea

- God

- God

Dear God,

In the Song of Solomon, you left some work undone. You wrote, “Love is strong as death”, but you never said how strong death is.

I’d like to know more about the true nature of love, and so I need to ask you: How strong is death?

- Peter

Peter,

Many people read that passage incorrectly. They think that I mean that love has a grip that is as strong as the grip of death, but that’s not what I meant. Anyone who has witnessed the way of love over time knows that.

Death is not truly strong. It is a passive state of perfect weakness. Think of it this way: When was the last time you ever saw a dead man get up and do a hard day’s work, or even something as easy as washing the dishes?

Love is as strong as death, yes, which is to say that it is weak, a state of passive decay that smells worse the longer that it persists.

- God

Dear God,

I try to follow your instructions for life. I really do, but sometimes the way of God is just plain confusing.

For example, in the book of Exodus, you command,

“Thou shalt make the robe of the ephod all of blue, and there shall be a hole in the top of it, in the midst thereof: it shall have a binding of woven work round about the hole of it, as it were the hole of an habergeon, that it be not rent, and beneath upon the hem of it thou shalt make pomegranates of blue, and of purple, and of scarlet, round about the hem thereof.”

Huh? God, you need to get a technical writer, okay?

First of all, I have never met an ephod in all of my life. Secondly what is a habergeon? Is it something I would want my mother to see me with?

I looked “habergeon” up in the dictionary, but that was no help. The dictionary said that a habergeon is a hauberk.

Also, how am I supposed to make pieces of fruit in different colors around the hem of a robe? Is this supposed to be like some kind of naturopathic remedy for people like myself who have difficulty getting up in the morning?

- Betty

Betty,

I apologize for the difficulty of that particular passage of instructions. The reason that it is so confusing is that the passage you refer to is actually a first draft of a users manual for Microsoft Windows XP.

An “ephod” is an package of virus protection software, and a “habergeon” is customer service. “Pomegranate” is the code name of the installation protocols.

You’ve got to remember that the Bible is not meant to be interpreted literally.

- God

Dear God,

I have in my life seen far too many people claiming to have the Word of God, only to let me down as I found out that they were really just speaking for themselves.

Now, I’m coming to you, the original source.

God, please tell me: What is the true Word of God?

- Ednice

Ednice,

May I first say that I am truly sorry that your mother picked out that name for you?

On to your question: Yes, I understand your disappointment. One way to tell when people are just making stuff up about me is that they will claim to have the “Word of God”, but then they can never just keep themselves to one word.

These people who claim that the Bible is the Word of God just don’t seem to get the concept. How many words are in the Bible, and which one of those words is the Word of God?

The true Word of God can fit on a business card, even if you have large handwriting. Okay, here it comes…

The true Word of God is: Flabbergaster.

I just love the way that word sounds, and I love the meaning of it. The idea that there is a word that refers to the act of rendering another temporary wordless is very attractive to me, as I am a jealous god, and just can’t stand it when somebody else tries to hog the spotlight by speaking when in my presence.

- God

Dear God,

My best friend wants to be a singer and she is really good. I ‘m afraid that when we grow up, she might become famous and not remember me.

What can I do to make sure that she remembers me forever?

- Felicia

Felicia,

Sleep with her boyfriend, and post a video of it on the Internet.

- God

Dear God,

What in the world did Walt Disney mean when he said, “I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known”?

Hyacinth

Hyacinth,

Many people have misunderstood this statement, and concluded that Walt Disney loved his own cartoon creation more than he loved women. That’s not at all the case.

What Mr. Disney was really talking about was the need for free love. He was comparing a sexual encounter with a known woman to the shallow form of a cartoon, completely two dimensional and predictable.

It was the unknown woman, for Walt Disney, that was able to bring the sensation of greatest love, in the erotic sense. So, for Walt Disney, Mickey Mouse was like a longtime spouse, when what he really sought were a series of flings with women whose names he did not even know.

- God

Dear God,

My husband I had our first baby about a year ago, and only now has she finally got enough hair for it to need to be washed on its own. So, my husband went out and got a bottle of baby shampoo.

I was a little bit bothered to discover that baby shampoo calls itself “tear-free”. I understand the compassionate motivation behind taking tears away from the shampooing experience, isn’t it against the inherent nature of shampoo to cause tears? If shampoo were meant to be painless, then why wouldn’t it be so for adults as well?

Isn’t there something inherent in the nature of cleansing that should be just a little rough? How will a baby ever learn to close its eyes in the bath if it never feels bad to get shampoo in them?

Is tear-free shampoo morally sound?

- Beatrix

Beatrix,

You are speaking nonsense. How could anyone ever rip shampoo? How could shampoo ever cause a rip in anything else? If you are implying that ordinary shampoo would cause breaks in your baby’s skin, you’d better be able to back up that claim, or be sued for libel by Johnson and Johnson.

If, on the other hand, you believe that it’s the shampoo that cannot retain its consistency in the shower, then I suspect that you are the victim of a marketing campaign to convince you that one shampoo is less likely to rip apart than another.

You and your baby have no need for special tear-free shampoo, because the issue of tearing shampoo is blatantly frivolous.

- God

A lot of people wonder: Does God get health care along with his line of work?

Sadly, no. God has to pay for all his own medical expenses, including vision and dental.

The reason is plain. Deities are very independent spirits, and have refused to come together to organize for better working conditions.

A lot of divine beings think that they can do it all on their own. As Zeus once said, “I gave birth to my daughter from my head, and I didn’t take an aspirin. What do I need health care for?”

However, Prometheus shouted back, “Collective action gets the goods!” Hiawatha accused Prometheus of just trying to get a liver transplant without having to pay for it himself.

God stayed on the sidelines, and would not sign the list of divine rulers of the universe seeking unionization. That’s why, to this day, he does not have health care.