Advice From God

Dear God,

Last year, my husband and I moved into our neighborhood because it seemed like such a friendly place. What we didn’t know is that the neighbors would be so friendly that we couldn’t have a social life of our own.

Every evening, one of our neighbors stops in to say hi. Usually, it’s just around the time that we’re about to eat, or to go to sleep, or just sit down and watch the television. They knock on the door and then come right in, as if they’re welcome.

Now I wish that we had never moved here. How can we avoid our friendly neighbors so that we can finally have some peace?

- Etta

Etta,

There are many options available to you.

1. Lay tacks on the sidewalk leading to your door.

2. Don’t talk when your neighbors visit. Just put your hand to your throat, and then shrug, and just look at your neighbors while they talk, until their leave.

3. Put a sign on your door reading “Emergency sewage problem”.

4. Make sure that your husband calls every female neighbor who visits “pretty lady”, while he smiles at you knowingly.

5. Don’t mow the lawn. Ever.

6. Whenever you see your neighbors coming toward your door, get out your cell phone, and put it up next to your ear. Whenever your neighbor tries to say anything, put your finger up in the air.

7. When talking with your neighbors, end every sentence with the phrase, “In a manner of speaking”.

8. Institute a mandatory visitor water balloon fight policy.

9. Offer your neighbors something to drink, and then hand them a glass full of tabouli.

10. Every five minutes, interrupt the conversation by holding up your hand, cocking your ear to the side, and saying “Hold on a minute”.

11. Whenever your neighbors ask you a question, get out an Eight Ball and shake it for a response.

12. Tell your neighbors, “I’m just going to check my email,” then go get in your car and have a drink at the local bar.

You get the idea.

- God

Dear God,

What in the world did Walt Disney mean when he said, “I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known”?

- Hyacinth

Hyacinth,

Many people have misunderstood this statement, and concluded that Walt Disney loved his own cartoon creation more than he loved women. That’s not at all the case.

What Mr. Disney was really talking about was the need for free love. He was comparing a sexual encounter with a known woman to the shallow form of a cartoon, completely two dimensional and predictable.

It was the unknown woman, for Walt Disney, that was able to bring the sensation of greatest love, in the erotic sense. So, for Walt Disney, Mickey Mouse was like a longtime spouse, when what he really sought were a series of flings with women whose names he did not even know.

- God