Dear God,

I’ve got a young family, but I’m not feeling very young myself any more. I’m in my mid-thirties, and I’m struggling to keep support my family. Every time I seem to get ahead, something comes along that knocks me back two steps. We’re on the edge financially, and have used up all the resources we have to keep going, paying the bills.

It’s gotten so bad now that I spend most nights awake, thinking about how we’re going to get through it. I just lie in bed, looking at the dark ceiling, thinking about my last day at work.

I feel vulnerable at work, you see, because I really need my job. That makes me hate it all the more. Every moment I’m at work, I feel trapped. The things I should be enjoying about my job, the things that brought me to the job in the first place, now feel like drudgery, just rote activities I go through just to bring a few dollars home. I’m stressed out and tired, and so I know that I’m not doing my job as well as I used to.

Then, at night, I can’t stop thinking about all the mistakes I’ve made at work, all the little things that are adding up that make me afraid that I’ll be fired. I think about how stupid I’ve been to bring my job into jeopardy, and then at the same time I wish I could be successful enough to leave my job behind.

It’s a cycle that’s taking me down. How can I stop it?

- Leo

Leo,

My son Jesus once was giving an executive seminar to some people who are like you, and he said to them, “Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work, but even Solomon [a prominent CEO] was never dressed so finely. So, if these little plants in the field can live it up in such luxury without working, don’t you think that you’ll be prosperous enough? Don’t worry about your work, and all the things that you need to get done. Just live right, and everything will work out in the end. Just worry about today and don’t think about tomorrow.”

The thing about executive seminars, though, is that they’re selective in the information they give you. People who run seminars just want everything to go smoothly so that they can grab their fee and then skip town before anyone realizes they’ve been had.

You know what happened to the lilies in that field? There was an ice storm later that same day, and they were all killed.

So, you see what comes from not toiling?

Jesus always wanted to be a flower. He was always angry with me for making him a human being, and when he gave that lecture, he was venting some of his anger.

You’re not a lily of the field that just scatters its seeds and lets them fend for themselves. You can’t just sit around photosynthesizing food. You need to gather resources to provide for your family. You’re an intelligent animal with hopes and terrors, not some brainless plant.

So, the only way for your to overcome your anxiety is to get yourself together and get back to work. If you wake up in the middle of the night worrying, don’t lay there, still and helpless like a wilting vegetable. Get up, go downstairs to the kitchen table, and do a little bit of work for your job to prepare for the coming day until you’re tired enough to fall asleep again. Or, you might use that time to develop a plan for working for yourself, instead of for somebody else.

Anxiety is useful, but only if it leads you to do something that makes things better. Otherwise, you’re just being an anxious lily, and when that ice storm comes, you’ll freeze like the rest of the lilies - and your family will freeze to death too.

- God

Dear God,

I’m confused. I’m watching the debate in the Senate today about the FISA Amendments Act, which would make permanent the Protect America Act, which allows the Executive Branch of the federal government to conduct massive electronic spying operations against innocent Americans without any search warrant, any judicial review, or any meaningful congressional oversight.

The FISA Amendments Act also allow the government to access private customer information and accounts held by any corporation.

The FISA Amendments Act amounts to a coup d’etat by the Executive Branch against the Legislative and Judicial branches, and against the Constitution.

But, it occurs to me, as I watch this debate, that if you are really real, God, then this whole government spying thing ought to be completely unnecessary.

I mean, it’s totally weird that Christian leaders in government are asking for such extensive electronic espionage powers. If they really believe in you, God, why do they need spies and electronic spying networks?

If they’re worried about terrorists, or other threats, why don’t they just use the power of prayer? Really. Why don’t they just pray on it, if they’re really Christian believers?

Why don’t they just say, “God, please tell me if there is any terrorist group who is going to attack the United States this week.” Then, you could respond to the prayer, and tell the President and his Cabinet if there’s any violent fanatic they need to worry about.

It’s almost as if the President and all his top advisors don’t actually believe in the power of prayer, and just say that they do to earn political points by adopting a pious posture.

Am I wrong?

- Diane

Diane,

Yes, you certainly are wrong. Very, very wrong.

You know how all the dinosaur fossils were created by Satan just to tempt sinful scientists into believing in evolution? Well, this situation is the same.

Satan has created the appearance of a logical gap in the White House’s call for massive new spying powers, in order to tempt you into not being a Republican.

What you must do is just ignore the logical gap in the White House’s policies, and believe with all your heart that everything that George W. Bush asks for is honest and good. That’s the only way to avoid Satan’s trap.

Let the government spy on you, or you will go to Hell.

- God

Dear God,

There was this little book at the Starbucks around the corner from my house, entitled, God, A Seeker’s Companion. I opened it up this morning, while I was waiting for my mocha, and saw this quote from Simone Weil on the page I first came to: “There are times when thinking of God separates us from him.”

That sounded very clever, but I really have no idea what it means. So, I thought of coming on here and asking you what it means.

I realized, though, that if I came here and asked you what it means that I would have to think about you, God, and then, if what this Weil person said was true, I would become more separated from you.

Then, as soon as I thought about that, I realized that I was thinking about you even more, and so I had probably become even more separated from you. Then it occurred to me that I had repeated the error once again.

So, I’m thinking of you one last time, just to ask you this: How can I get out of this vicious cycle of thinking about you and getting separated from you even further?

- Hemmings

Hemmings,

Just remember this: The more you think about me, the less I make sense. What does that suggest to you about my nature?

Also keep in mind that Simone Weil starved herself to death. Why would you seek advice from her?

- God

Dear God,

I recall a controversy that was brewing some time ago, but seems to have died down without being resolved. But I remain curious my sweet Lord: How many licks does it take to get to the gum or chewy candy at the middle of a lollipop?

-Nate

Dear Nate,

Excellent question.

Have you ever considered that there might be a tremendous number of variables at play, and that your answer might not come in the form of a single number that holds true in all conditions?

Did you ever pause to reflect on the following factors?

Irregularities in machining that place the soft “middle” slightly off center, creating a lollipop that took a different number of licks from each side?
The pressure and duration of each lick?
The ambient temperature of the room?
The quantity and chemical composition of the saliva of the person doing the licking?
The surface area of tongue making contact with the lollipop at each lick?

Did it ever occur to you that different permutations of these factors would make it impossible to resolve this controversy with a single quantitative response?

No?

Good, because there’s a name for thinking like that.

It’s called “relativism,” and it’s bad. Really, really bad. If you embrace relativism, you reject absolutes. And if you reject absolutes, you will no longer obey the arbitrary dictates of those in authority without pausing to consider the rational, ethical, and empirical basis of those dictates.

And who wants to live like that?

There is an absolute answer to everything.

How many licks does it take?

1,487.

One more or one less, and you’re doing it wrong.

-God

Dear God,

I was recently confronted by a non-Christian friend of mine who said that my religion doesn’t make any sense, because if God created the Universe, he must have created everything bad about it too, and such a deity who would choose to make so much bad stuff must not be worth worship.

I told him that Satan was the source of all evil, but then he quoted a scripture from the Bible, Proverbs chapter 20 verse 22, which says, “Do no repay evil for evil. Wait for the Lord to handle the matter.”

He says that Bible verse indicates that you will repay evil for evil, and doesn’t that make you a clear source of bad things in the world.

How do I respond?

- Lawrence

Lawrence,

If you’re honest, you’ll respond by agreeing with your friend.

I am sick and tired of Satan taking credit for creating evil in the world. It’s not true. He’s just a copycat and wants the credit for himself. I am the original source. Who, after all, created Satan himself. That would be me.

People want to believe things about me because they idolize me. Oh, God is all good, they say. What they need to understand is that, as far as I’m concerned, everything I do is good, by definition, and that includes creating bad things.

When they say that I am omnibenevolent, what it really means is that my word defines what is good and what isn’t, because I’m the ruler of the universe, and you had better get used to it.

Don’t like it? Create your own universe, if you can.

- God

Dear God,

What is the test of a true follower of God?

- Earnest

Earnest,

There’s one simple test that seems quite clear to me. I revealed it to the author of the Book of Isaiah, preparing the way for the second coming of Jesus (I always write ahead, and am sure to tie my plot elements together at the end).

I wrote, in chapter 43 of the true follower of God that “when you go through the fire, you will not be burned, and the flame will have no power over you.”

So, a true follower of God, when asked to jump into a fire, will gladly do it to prove their true allegiance to me. Anyone who says that they are a follower of God’s word, but is afraid of being burned by fire, is just a fake. I mean, either they believe God’s word or they don’t right?

So, if you know anyone who says that they follow God, and they have safety matches, you know they’re just putting on an act.

- God

Dear God,

I am am undergraduate with a major in physics, and I had thought that my childhood Christian beliefs were inconsistent with science, but then I found the following pasage in the Book of James: “Come near to God and he will come near to you.”

Doesn’t that imply exactly the kind of relativism of location in the Universe discussed by Albert Einstein? I mean, who’s really doing the moving when I get closer to God - me or God - and how can I tell the difference?

Also, if God is all present in some sense, and yet can come closer to a person in a particular time and place, doesn’t that suggest that there must be a dimension of space, unseen by human eyes, in which God is not universally present, and can actually become in motion, and not the unmoving mover?

If that’s true, where are you, so that I can get closer to you, and you can get closer to me?

- Rick

Rick,

No, Albert Einstein was completely wrong. Bonkers. I play with dice all the time. I particularly enjoy a good game of Yahtzee.

I am currently touring South Carolina, doing some political consulting. I’ll be in Montana next week, however, playing in the lounge at the Sheraton in Billings.

- God

Dear God,

This morning I found a video of Mike Huckabee in which he declares that he wants to change the Constitution of the United States of America so that it will be in compliance with the ancient laws of God. So that there can be no confusion on the matter, here are the actual words that came out of his mouth: “I have opponents in this race who do not want to change the Constitution, but I believe it’s a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the Living God, and that’s what we need to do is to amend the Constitution so it’s in God’s standards rather than try to change God’s standards so it lines up with some contemporary view of how we treat each other and how we treat the family.”

As a Christian, I’m inclined to trust Huckabee. After all, as Huckabee himself points out, he is a Christian leader.

I thought, though, that it would be best to come to the source, so that Mike Huckabee can understand directly from you, God, how to change the Constitution. So, God, what changes do you want to see in the Constitution of the United States of America?

- Ruben

Ruben,

First of all, the poodles have to go. If you think about the way that we treat the family, as Mike Huckabee says, it becomes clear that poodles, and their array of groomers, glittery dog collars, and garnet-encrusted water dishes, have been coddled in an intolerable way. So, I’d like to see a constitutional amendment banning poodles, above all other issues.

Next, iPod earbuds must be made illegal. They make people deaf, and how can people hear the Word of God if they’re deaf? Well, they could come to this blog, I suppose, but my hands do get tired of typing. Even God can get carpal tunnel syndrome.

My third priority would be to create a constitutional amendment that would mandate the wearing of blue and white striped jackets by all men over the age of 22 when they are visiting the beach. I thought that the beach fashions of the 1800s were a great deal more stylish than they are now, and I think that the jacket amendment would go a long way toward restoring penache at the seaside.

Of course, there are many other constitutional amendments that I would like to see get passed. However, these are my top three, and I see that Mike Huckabee supports none of these amendments. Therefore, Mike Huckabee’s presidential campaign is running against the will of God, and I cannot give him my endorsement.

- God

Dear God,

It says in the Psalms in the Holy Bible: “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

Okay, God. I delight in you. You are really, really great. You’re a terrific guy. It feels so good to be around you.

Now I want a pony.

- Felicia

Felicia,

No, you don’t. I know your heart better than you do, and I can tell that what you really want is to take delight in me some more.

So, come on and indulge yourself. What else do you like about me?

- God

God’s favorite color is triangle. However, God hates triangle-colored sweaters. He believes that they make him look fat.

God also does not enjoy off-triangle, or triangle mixed with yellow. Those colors are an abomination to him.

Dear God,

They say that you are omnipotent, that you can do anything. I don’t believe it.

There’s got to be at least one thing that you can’t do, or you wouldn’t be able to be powerless, and therefore you wouldn’t be all powerful.

So, what’s one thing you can’t do?

- Horatio

Horatio,

You caught me. There is one thing that I can’t do: Drive legally in the state of Florida. Go ahead and look it up in the official records: I’ve never been issued a driver’s license there.

Just let the Florida State Police try to pull me over, though. Just let them try.

- God

A fun little fact about God: God’s real name is not God. Rather, God is his stage name.

God’s birth name is Nihazaid the Terrible. He was named after his father, so he is formally known as Nihazaid the Terrible Junior.

In the early years of his career, Nihazaid the Terrible continued using his real name. He struggled, doing little miracles in neighborhood bars. No one seemed to want to worship him for long after he stopped buying them drinks.

It was his agent who suggested the use of a stage name, when an opportunity to perform at children’s birthday parties came up. The agent pointed out that the children’s prayer of gratitude, “Nihazaid the Terrible is good. Nihazaid the Terrible is great. Let us thank him for our food,” would have a better flow if it didn’t have so many syllables.