Dear God,

Climate change may have delayed the onset of winter this year, but it is finally here. I just moved up to Helena, Montana, where the winters are brutally cold.

My problem is that I don’t have a hat. All I have is a golf visor, and that doesn’t keep me very warm.

So, I thought I would ask you, given that you’re omniscient, what kind of hat I ought to get. Which hat will keep me the most warm through the winter?

- Julianne

Julianne,

You’re asking the wrong question. The question you’re asking yourself is “Why should I have a hat?”

Go pick up a copy of the King James Bible. Look for the word “hat”. You won’t find it.

Do you know why hats are never mentioned in the Bible? It’s because I hate them. Hats are an abomination to me.

Why do you want to offend me by wearing a hat? Is it because you want to feel comfortable? You ought to remember the teaching of Pope John Paul II, who showed us all that unnecessary suffering is the best way to get close to God.

So what if your ears are cold? If your ears offend you, let them fall off. If I wanted you to have ears, I wouldn’t have invented frostbite.

- God

This entry was posted on Monday, December 3rd, 2007 at 7:58 am and is filed under All God's Advice, Fashion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.