Dear God,

If God is spirit, how can God taste like anything?

I’ve heard your blood tastes like grape juice, your body tastes like pita bread (or corn tortillas if you’re allergic to wheat), but I never heard the chicken thing before. I’m afraid to ask which part tastes like chicken.

-Iroquois

Dear Iroquois,

I taste like chicken for the same reason I look like a man. When I created man, I created him in My image. Likewise, when I created chicken, I created it in My taste.

My flesh and blood only taste like bread and wine when someone with the right qualifications specifically asks me to transubstantiate them, which I do willingly except on the relatively rare fifth Sunday of any given month (one of my little jokes).

-God

Dear God,

As I understand it, the Christian meaning of marriage was originally written in a non-English language. Greek, or something like that, I think.

So, isn’t Mike Huckabee, just by saying the English word “marriage”, rewriting the meaning of marriage?

-Gertrude

Dear Gertrude,

Not at all, Gertrude.

First of all, Mike Huckabee isn’t rewriting anything at all by saying something.

Second, he’s not changing the meaning of a word by translating the word from one language to another.

Third, it doesn’t matter to me what all those Greeks say. It’s all Greek to me, if you know what I mean. The English language was good enough for your lord and savior Jesus Christ, and it’s good enough for all those foreigners who better start learning it.

Hope that gets you back on the straight and narrow.

-God

Dear God,

I’ve spent the last week watching a lot of television specials, trying to tell what the true meaning of Christmas is, but I still haven’t gotten it figured out. Please, help me understand.

What is the true meaning of Christmas?

- Carlo

Carlo,

You might as well ask what the true meaning of a pickle is. The problem is that many people, you included, have mistaken this question for an ultimate question. In fact, it’s just a question of personal perspective.

What is the true meaning of Thursday? Well, that depends, doesn’t it? I mean, for one person, the meaning of Thursday might be that it’s the day that they’re getting married. For someone else, Thursday might be the day that they will be hauled off to prison for the rest of their lives. For a few unlucky people, Thursday will have both meanings.

Christmas is the same. For some people, it’s a day when they get presents. For other people, the true meaning of Christmas is that it will make them even fatter than before. For some people, the true meaning of Christmas is that they can’t work, because their place of work is shut down and they can’t earn an hourly wage.

For many children, the true meaning of Christmas is that they have to kiss their aunt’s cheek. For some, the true meaning of Christmas is that they have to be in the same house as their sexually molesting great uncle, and not tell anyone about it. For other children, the true meaning of Christmas is that for that one day, no one will tell them to stop eating cookies.

For credit card companies, the true meaning of Christmas is that a lot of people will be paying off a lot of debt at high interest rates. For the climate, the true meaning of Christmas is that a lot of disposable stuff has been made, causing a lot of energy to used, pumping more carbon into the atmosphere.

For some people the true meaning of Christmas is that it doesn’t have any meaning at all.

You may not like to hear this, but remember that there’s a reason you asked me. I’m God, and I’ve been everywhere, and I know everything. I know, more than anyone else, that everything is relative, and that includes Christmas.

You won’t find that answer on any of your television Christmas specials, but then again, they’re all trying to sell you something on commercial breaks. I’m not.

- God

Dear God,

I’m a bit confused about something Mike Huckabee said lately:

“There’s never been a civilization that has rewritten what marriage and family means and survived. So there is a sense in which, you know, it’s one thing to say if people want to live a different way, that’s their business.”

Well, how does that work exactly?

Laws defining marriage are rewritten and reinterpreted constantly. But our civilization is surviving, so that must not be what he means. Then again, he might not be saying that civilization will immediately cease to exist, but that it will eventually end or change. But of course civilization will end or change some day, nothing lasts for ever.

And what does “rewriting” have to do with “living a different way.” If people change the way they live, civilization won’t survive? The way people live changes all the time too, but our civilization is surviving.

What exactly does Mick Huckabee mean?

-Bertoldt

Dear Bertoldt,

You are reading too much into it. Why can’t you just listen to what he’s saying?

It is one thing to say “if people want to live a different way, that’s their business.” What is your basis for disagreeing? Is it two things to say that? Three things?

Mike Huckabee quite simply means that, whenever all the members of a civilization write the words “what marriage and family means” two times, that civilization will immediately cease to exist, the instant the last person completes the last pen stroke on the “s” in “means.”

That sounds pretty scary, until you realize that there are thousands of babies born every day, and the civilization can’t rewrite anything until those babies learn to read and write. By that time, there will be more babies around that can’t write yet. So our civilization isn’t likely to rewrite “what marriage and family means” any time soon.

So, you know, no worries.

-God

Dear God,

Senator and presidential candidate Chris Dodd took to the floor of the United States Senate and defended Americans from a big government electronic spying program to read their email and listen to their telephone calls.

In spite of that, Dodd is only running at about one percent in the polls, and can’t seem to get many news organizations to pay attention to his campaign.

Britney’s little sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, on the other hand, gets pregnant at the age of 16, and she’s the top story of the day.

It doesn’t seem fair. What can Chris Dodd do to get more attention for his campaign?

- Don

Don,

I’d say that Chris Dodd would have to get pregnant himself, if he wanted to get the attention of the American voting public.

- God

Dear God,

A couple days ago, you posted a video of yourself, explaining how the rumors spread by Mike Huckabee that Mitt Romney believed that Jesus and the Devil were brothers were without foundation. You corrected the rumors by pointing out that Jesus is the father of the Devil.

When this video of you was posted on YouTube, one angry viewer called it “tasteless”.

I’ve been thinking about that, and I’m not so sure. Theologically speaking, can God be referred to as tasteless?

- Easton

Easton,

Your instincts do you credit. In fact, it is profoundly incorrect to say that I am tasteless.

I taste like chicken, or so I’ve been told.

- God

Dear God,

I see that you recently corrected Mike Huckabee’s impression that Jesus is the brother of the Devil. The thing is, Mike Huckabee says that you are on his side, intervening through divine miracles to promote his campaign for President.

I have a hard time reconciling these facts. Are you endorsing Mike Huckabee for President?

If not, will you endorse another presidential candidate in 2008?

- Kirk

Kirk,

I’m afraid that Mike Huckabee has taken my support for granted. I do not endorse Mike Huckabee for President. In fact, I have not endorsed any candidate for President yet.

I may do so, in the future, perhaps the near future, but first I have to submit the presidential candidates to a series of tests to determine their moral worthiness for the Oval Office. I intend to go back to what America’s Founding Fathers truly intended for their new Christian nation.

First comes the dunking test, in which the presidential candidates will be tied up, and thrown into a lake. Those that float to the surface will be exposed as being made out of wood, and therefore will be identified as witches. Those candidates that sink to the bottom of the lake will qualify to continue to the next round of tests.

- God

Dear God,

Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney have introduced the ideas of theology into the 2008 presidential election, as Mike Huckabee has questioned whether Mormons like Mitt Romney believe that Jesus and the Devil are brothers.

I thought that the question should be settled with you. So, is it true? Is Jesus the brother of Satan?

- Ruben

Ruben,

Of course it’s not true. Jesus is the Devil’s father. Any fool could see that this relationship makes it impossible for Jesus to be the Devil’s brother as well.

Jesus was in his twenties when he wandered up the Rhine and encountered a young woman named Bertha. They fell in love, and had a son.

Jesus tried to establish himself professionally in the area, but could only find employment as a circus performer, doing tricks with a unicycle and frozen fish in an act he did under the stage name of Otto the Ridiculous. One day, when Jesus was flipping a herring into the air, he felt the earth rumble, and saw that a freak avalanche was coming down the mountainside right toward the little house where he and Bertha lived.

Even with his unicycle, Jesus couldn’t make it in time to rescue Bertha. As for his baby son, he was never found…

… at least not by human hands. The son of Jesus and Bertha was swept by the avalanche into a cave inhabited by ice demons, who raised him as best they could, granting him magical powers that eventually allowed him to become the Devil.

That is the true story of the family relationship between Jesus and the Devil. I hope that helps you make your decision about who to vote for in the 2008 presidential election.

- God

Dear God,

I’m confused. Who are God’s chosen people? It seems that almost every ethnic group has some kind of belief that it is the special, divinely chosen, and authentic.

So, which group is it? Who are God’s chosen people?

- Dan

Dan,

Spinosaurus aegyptiacus. They were my chosen people.

Never heard of Spinosaurus aegyptiacus? That’s because they’re extinct.

They were the biggest meat eaters ever to walk the land on planet Earth, huge dinosaurs 55 feet long. They were bigger than Tyrannosaurus Rex.

A few of them were left, still living in peace in Egypt a few thousand years ago, until they were enslaved. Moses was the last of the Spinosaurus aegyptiacus people, and he had to flee after he ate the high priest in the temple of Isis, to die in the desert.

The Jews played a trick on the rulers of Egypt by saying that they were dinosaurs too, and would eat the Pharaoh and his family. That’s why the Pharaoh let the Jews go. Locusts had nothing to do with it.

- God

Dear God,

For an omniscient being, you’re really dense. I want to heat my home efficiently without destroying it.

How can I do that?

- Fern

Fern,

I am all powerful as well as all knowing. I can be infinitely dense as well as infinitely sparse. In fact, I can be both at the same time. Don’t blame your problems in asking good questions on me.

Your problem is that you want two things that are mutually inconsistent. I don’t think that you can argue with me that burning your home down is a very efficient way to heat it. The process actually converts the latent energy in your home into heat. I think that fits nicely into the motto, “reduce, reuse, recycle”.

I could tell you to get double pane windows, or to install a new heating system that relies on worm composting in your basement with thermostats in every room, but the truth is that, compared to burning your house down, these really are very inefficient forms of heating. I would feel dishonest in telling you otherwise.

Sometimes, when you ask God a question, the answer is: “What a stupid question!”

- God

Dear God,

You still don’t get it. I want to heat my home efficiently without losing all the memories I have it in in a big fire. I don’t think that your current plan allows for that.

- Fern

Fern,

Okay. I see what you mean. What you need to do, then, is to get a video camera, and walk through your house recording everything that you don’t want to forget.

Then, put the video camera in the car, put the cardboard boxes soaked in gasoline in the basement, and light them on fire.

Problem solved.

God

Dear God,

I think you misunderstood me when I asked you about how to heat my home efficiently. You suggested that I light my home on fire with gasoline and cardboard boxes in the basement.

The thing is, I want home heating that’s sustainable. I don’t think that the method of heating you proposed can really be sustained.

- Fern

Fern,

Nonsense, Fern. If you want this method of home heating to be sustainable, all you need to do is to pour more gasoline on the fire every time that you see it dying down.

- God