Advice From God

Dear God,

Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney have introduced the ideas of theology into the 2008 presidential election, as Mike Huckabee has questioned whether Mormons like Mitt Romney believe that Jesus and the Devil are brothers.

I thought that the question should be settled with you. So, is it true? Is Jesus the brother of Satan?

- Ruben

Ruben,

Of course it’s not true. Jesus is the Devil’s father. Any fool could see that this relationship makes it impossible for Jesus to be the Devil’s brother as well.
Jesus was in his twenties when he wandered up the Rhine and encountered a young woman named Bertha. They fell in love, and had a son.

Jesus tried to establish himself professionally in the area, but could only find employment as a circus performer, doing tricks with a unicycle and frozen fish in an act he did under the stage name of Otto the Ridiculous. One day, when Jesus was flipping a herring into the air, he felt the earth rumble, and saw that a freak avalanche was coming down the mountainside right toward the little house where he and Bertha lived.

Even with his unicycle, Jesus couldn’t make it in time to rescue Bertha. As for his baby son, he was never found…

… at least not by human hands. The son of Jesus and Bertha was swept by the avalanche into a cave inhabited by ice demons, who raised him as best they could, granting him magical powers that eventually allowed him to become the Devil.

That is the true story of the family relationship between Jesus and the Devil. I hope that helps you make your decision about who to vote for in the 2008 presidential election.

- God

Dear God,

I’m confused. Who are God’s chosen people? It seems that almost every ethnic group has some kind of belief that it is the special, divinely chosen, and authentic.

So, which group is it? Who are God’s chosen people?

- Dan

Dan,

Spinosaurus aegyptiacus. They were my chosen people.
Never heard of Spinosaurus aegyptiacus? That’s because they’re extinct.

They were the biggest meat eaters ever to walk the land on planet Earth, huge dinosaurs 55 feet long. They were bigger than Tyrannosaurus Rex.

A few of them were left, still living in peace in Egypt a few thousand years ago, until they were enslaved. Moses was the last of the Spinosaurus aegyptiacus people, and he had to flee after he ate the high priest in the temple of Isis, to die in the desert.
The Jews played a trick on the rulers of Egypt by saying that they were dinosaurs too, and would eat the Pharaoh and his family. That’s why the Pharaoh let the Jews go. Locusts had nothing to do with it.

- God

Dear God,

What’s the difference between a Hi-Fi stereo and a stereo that’s not Hi-Fi?

- Francois

Francois,

Hi-Fi stands for “hint fish”. A stereo with Hi-Fi has a special computer processor in it that processes the sound to make it especially clear. The secret to this processor is that it has a little guppy in a small glass capsule hooked up to two electric circuits.

For every song that the stereo plays, the computer comes up with 15 different models for processing the sound. Then, the computer sends a signal to the glass capsule with the guppy in it, communicating these 15 models to the fish. The fish then gives the computer a hint about which model would sound the best. That’s the model that the Hi-Fi stereo uses to create its superior sound.

The next time you’re shopping for a stereo, make sure to ask for the one with the fish.

- God