I forgot to ask if that’s a tie you’re wearing in the picture. Once again the video tells me I’m missing some kind of software that’s not available on the Quicktime website, so I can’t tell what it is you’re wearing.

I have never been at your place, much less with someone named Julie.

There are Lies and there are Damned Lies. And that, sir, is a Damned Lie.

For one thing, at Valhalla, no one is younger than anybody else, due to Idun’s magical apples that keep everyone young. Second of all, Valhalla is a very busy place, what with warfare all day long and feasting and drinking mead half the night. My wife Frigg is right in the middle of all of it–as the hostess she has to present the mead cup to everyone–and you better Friggin believe I am there every minute to keep an eye on her. There was that business a while back about my brothers Ve and Vili, and we don’t want any more of that kind of rumor circulating.

If someone showed up at your place claiming to be me, most likely it was Loki, who loves to play those little tricks. He’s been known to do a little shape-changing too. I remember the time he changed himself into a mare in heat in order to mate with a stallion. But of course everyone knows the story of how my eight-legged horse Slepnir came to be. If my horse was there, well, after all, Loki is the horse’s mother.

You seem to have forgotten the medieval usage of the word “eye” as a euphemism for, um, a body part a little lower down that it’s unlucky to call attention to by naming directly. I lost it finding out the prophecy of Ragnarök and the end of the world. Not for nothing was one of my nicknames Jalk (Grimnismol 49, 54) “gelding”.

And it’s not your word against mine. Don’t forget my wife Frigga sits on the High Seat Hlidskjalf and is able to see everything that happens in the world.

Well, she’s actually pretty busy most of the time, what with the Wild Hunt, dispensing Justice, and keeping track of her twelve disciples, er handmaidens. But after all she IS a fertility goddess.

You know the saying–the shoemaker’s children go barefoot.

Why don’t you and Mary get back together? Maybe try for a second Coming?

Procedure? Don’t give me that crap. If Joseph couldn’t consummate, what was he doing getting engaged in the first place? And where did Jesus get all those other brothers? Oh, you liked her, all right. But a teenage mother? Tsk, tsk.

She’s not dead either. Ever hear of Guadalupe? Or for that matter, Lazarus? Death is no obstacle if you’re really omnipotent.

Oh, you’ve seen those guys, have you? There’s always one or two that shows up at some summer festival to pester the Viking reinactors. You can tell them right away because they are looking for power charms, not love charms.

I’ve never done anything for them, so I don’t know why they keep hanging on. I can’t use them in Valhalla, since that hall is only for those who fall in battle. These guys are all bark and no dog, if you know what I mean.

I can see you’re just not interested in Mary at this point. If she and Joseph managed to patch things up after your rather flamboyant meddling, maybe it’s just as well to leave them alone now.

Some of the Valkyries might be into dating deities as young as you, but they’re a bit flighty. Before you try that, you might go round to visit Freya at her hall, Folkvangr. You know, she gets half of the guys who die on the battlefield–she gets first pick–and all the women as well. They sing nothing but love songs there–you get the idea. I hear Freya’s boyfriend Hildisvini is a real pig, maybe Freya would take an interest in you herself.

Hey, not all deities are omniscient. I’m not your Miles Standish. And speaking of omniscient, it’s getting harder and harder to remember the comment counts to know if there has been a new comment added. You younger deities may be able to remember just fine, but a comment widget would be helpful for us elders who have so many more aeons of stuff to remember.

What do women want? It’s the age-old question, but twice as tricky with goddesses. I would suggest you start out as something close to yourself–less confusion later–although of course it’s always okay to exaggerate any positive qualities. I hesitate to recommend the swan thing though, since swans are more or less sidekicks and not heroes, unless that’s what you’re into. If she wants you to appear as a swan she will probably turn you into one herself.

No thanks. I’ve got too many people spinning me already. Preachers, Bible Study Groups, Little House On The Prairie, George W. Bush, it’s all too much babble about me. That’s why I started this blog. I wanted to go direct to the human race.

If a diminishment of spin means I’m not a chick magnet, well, then that’s how it is. God doesn’t need to be a chick magnet.