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Is My Man Meant For Me?

9 November 2007 dans All God's Advice, Family Life RSS 2.0.

Dear God,

I’ve been praying to try to find an answer to this question for weeks now, but so far nothing is clear to me.

I betrayed the man I love, but I want so much for us to work out what went wrong and start again with a fresh beginning built upon the rock solid foundation of Jesus Christ so that we can fall in love again.

How can I tell that he is meant for me, and if he is, how can I be assured that we will be together forever?

- Darlene

Darlene,

I’d say that this man is not meant for you, given the way that you betrayed him. Also, I’ve noticed that even as you’ve come to me supposedly asking about how you can get back to this man, you’re trying to base your relationship with him on some kind of weird involvement with another man - my son.

Listen, Jesus is grown up now. I understand that. It’s not my business to tell him which women to date. If he wants to get messed up in some kind of bizarre love triangle with you and this other guy, that’s his decision, not mine.

Still, I have to wonder why you’re coming to me asking whether it’s okay for you to get into this threesome with Jesus and your preferred sexual partner. Do you think that this is the sort of thing that a father wants to have a conversation about?

You’ve been stalking me with your incessant praying. Nag, nag, nag. You won’t leave me alone. What really brings it over the line is when you talk about the kind of sexual positions you want Jesus to take with you and this man. The “foundation”? What, is that supposed to be, him on the bottom?

If Jesus wants to degrade himself like that with you, I supposed I can’t stop him, but I had hoped for better. I gave him a special start in life, and mentored him, made sure that he got to travel. I thought, maybe he’d be a rabbi, or get a good career changing money in the temple, but no, that was too good for him.

You and Jesus do whatever kinky kinds of things you want, okay? I just don’t want to hear about it. Keep praying, and I’m going to get a restraining order.

Oh, and if you want to be forever together with this man of yours, I suggest surgery. Look for the doctors who separate conjoined twins, and tell them you want the procedure reversed.

- God

This entry was posted on Friday, November 9th, 2007 at 6:07 pm and is filed under All God's Advice, Family Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

2 Responses to “Is My Man Meant For Me?”

  • 32282. Iroquois 11 November 2007 at 1:59 am

    You’re being an awfully permissive parent, don’t you think? Sure Jesus is going to do whatever he wants, but you don’t have to let him do it at your place. The last time I checked Jesus “ascended into heaven and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty” so it looks like he chows down there too. And when he left the earth he said “I am going to prepare a place for you”, so it looks like he’s getting ready to bring his friends around. But you don’t have to put up with this Darlene person and her betrayal routine. Jesus is what? 2000 years old? If he wants to mess with her, let him get his own place.

  • 32367. God 12 November 2007 at 7:43 am

    Well, yes, that’s true. I hate to sound defensive, but I’m left handed, actually, so it’s kind of hard for me to grab the kid when he’s acting up. Plus, a few hundred years ago, he said to me, “I’ve been sitting here for so long, isn’t it time for me to appear again?” I told him, “Not until you’ve finished your brocolli.” So he finally finished his brocolli, but then he made his second coming on the wrong planet - Venus. That’s where he meets some of his girlfriends, apparently.

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