Dear God,

I am in my first year of college, and already I’m confused. I’m taking a biology class, in which we are discussing the classification of animals. The professor tells us that we can distinguish insects from other arthropods because all insects have six feet. However, I grew up believing that locusts have four feet. I quote Leviticus, Chapter 11:

“Even these of them ye may eat; the locust after his kind, and the bald locust after his kind, and the beetle after his kind, and the grasshopper after his kind, but all other flying creeping things which have four feet shall be an abomination unto you.”

Here is the word of God, telling me that we can distinguish the locust from other kinds of flying things that have four feet. Clearly, that means to me that the locust has four feet.

My professor did a most unholy thing, which was to place a six-legged locust in front of me, for dissection. It is as if he was saying that my God is a big liar, and that I should just go spit on my church. The affrontery!

I didn’t know what to say, though. How can I confront this agent of evil, who just so happens to have power over my academic career?

- Linda

Linda,

Your biology professor is not just an agent of evil. He is an agent of the Devil himself. He probably doesn’t know that he is possessed by the Devil, however. He probably believes, as most people who are possessed do, that he is eating too many hot wings.

What you must do is avoid the Devil’s conversation, which may lead you into damnation. If you start to debate your professor about whether locusts have six feet or four feet, you shall enter the realm of the World, which is the dominion of Satan. The locust has four feet, clearly, but you cannot convince this professor from Hell differently.

Instead, I suggest that you confront your professor in the middle of class, speaking the language of Heaven. Speak to him in tongues. The secret speech of the angels shall come to you, only when you clear your conscious mind of all facts and logic. That is what a biology class in college should be, though your professor, demonically manipulated as he is, cannot understand that obvious truth.

While speaking to him in tongues, stand up on your desk, point your fingers at the professor, and utter the sacred command, huremtoballvearationates, in as loud a voice as you can. You must perform this task three times before Satanic forces, which often come in the form of security guards, are able to eject you from the room. Only after you accomplish this will divine truth shine into that classroom. Only then will all the other students agree with you, that yes, locusts have four feet.

- God

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 1st, 2007 at 4:53 pm and is filed under All God's Advice, Demonic Forces, Science and technology, Scripture. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.