Advice From God

Dear God,

I have a neighbor whose entire house was decorated according to the dictates of Feng Shui. She calls herself Christian, yet talks about the “energies” of her house according to this Japanese mumbo jumbo. I regard it all as simple blasphemy.

I want to present a true alternative example in Christian decorating skills, and I’m starting with the pillows.

So, God, how can I select pillows for my house in a manner that will be the most Christian?

- Marsha

Marsha,

As the Fundamentalists have proven, it’s important to regard every single decision in life according to what has been written about it in the Bible. So, what pillow would Jesus use?

There is only one actual pillow mentioned in the Bible: A pillow upon which Jesus fell asleep while riding in a boat. Therefore, every pillow in your house should come from a boat. To choose any other kind of pillow would be sinful, and would doom you to Hell.

- God

Dear God,

I am on an airplane after a long day of work, and am trying to get some sleep. However, the people behind me won’t stop talking to each other using very loud voices. For the past 20 minutes, they have been discussing whether Lima or Santiago is the capitol city of Chile.

I can’t stand it any more. How can I get them to be quiet?

- Marcos

Marcos,

You might try being enigmatic. Turn around quietly, point your finger to the ceiling, and then say, “Do you hear the sounds of the ghosts of all the children that I should have had? They sound very frustrated.”

Wait for an answer. Then, point to the ceiling one more time, and turn around without saying anything more.

- God