Dear God,

I just can’t wait for the movie The Golden Compass to come out next week. I’ve already read the book five times this year, I’m getting so excited.

When I visited the Golden Compass movie web site, I found out that my daemon is a mouse. That got me wondering - what’s your daemon, God?

- Luther

Luther,

I am like a child in that I can have a daemon of any form that I want. Sometimes it’s a human being, like Krishna or Jesus. Sometimes it’s a monkey, like Hanuman. Once, it was a winged serpent, in Central America. In the Pacific islands, my daemon has sometimes been a giant eel, or a big coconut. On the Great Plains of North America, my daemon was a buffalo for a while, though further north it was a raven, and in some of the rivers of the West, it was a salmon. In Africa, my daemon has been a spider, a monkey, a jackal, and all sorts of other things.

You think about it, and my daemon can be that shape… or, it can have no shape at all.

- God

Dear God,

Sometimes, when I’m praying, I get the feeling that you’re really not listening to me, like I’m just talking into the air, to myself, and there’s not anyone paying attention to me. It makes me feel sad.

Please, tell me that it isn’t so.

- Lionel

Lionel,

Don’t worry, someone is listening. It’s just not me. It’s one of my elfin clerks.

Prayer is kind of like signing one of those online petitions to the President of the United States. An elf comes to me with a summary of all the prayers of the day once every morning, or just prepares a report for me if I’m on vacation, so that I can look at it briefly when I get back. It’s my way of getting a general sense of what people want.

Don’t expect an answer, any more than you would expect a response from the President of the United States.

If you want to get my attention, you need to send me something unusual. I get prayers and prayers and prayers every day. But when was the last time someone sent me flowers with a nice note, or a teddy bear? One time, a guy from Arkansas sent me a vintage Peugot racing car, in prime condition. I had him over for a five minute coffee a few weeks later, and gave him just the investment advice that he needed.

If you send something clever, my people will send you a commemorative God lapel pin.

- God

Dear God,

I have a neighbor whose entire house was decorated according to the dictates of Feng Shui. She calls herself Christian, yet talks about the “energies” of her house according to this Japanese mumbo jumbo. I regard it all as simple blasphemy.

I want to present a true alternative example in Christian decorating skills, and I’m starting with the pillows.

So, God, how can I select pillows for my house in a manner that will be the most Christian?

- Marsha

Marsha,

As the Fundamentalists have proven, it’s important to regard every single decision in life according to what has been written about it in the Bible. So, what pillow would Jesus use?

There is only one actual pillow mentioned in the Bible: A pillow upon which Jesus fell asleep while riding in a boat. Therefore, every pillow in your house should come from a boat. To choose any other kind of pillow would be sinful, and would doom you to Hell.

- God

Dear God,

I recently read in The Baltimore Sun that The Catholic League is trying to force Scholastic Books to censor all works by Philip Pullman, the author of The Golden Compass, which is about to be released as a movie. In reaction to this attempt at the suppression of ideas, a reader of the Baltimore Sun recently wrote,

“This is exactly the objection that Phillip Pullman expresses in his novels: The censorship of ideas and opinions that organized religion feels justified in perpetrating in the name of God. Has anyone bothered to ask God what He thinks ? Cos I thought we were here to excercise free will, and make choices… I like my choices to be informed ones. We all have that right.”

Well, God, what do you think of The Golden Compass?

- Armand

Armand,

It all reminds me of how the Catholic Church has attempted to suppress the ideas of Galileo. That didn’t work out too well for the church. They threatened Galileo with death, and put him under house arrest for the rest of his life, and yet, Galileo’s ideas have become so widely acknowledged that even the Catholic Church has had to admit that it, supposedly infallible, was wrong and Galileo was right.

My advice to Scholastic Books is that they encourage The Catholic League to go on ranting and raving. It’s making a lot of people want to go out and buy the book.

I really don’t understand what the fuss is all about. The Golden Compass is a work of fiction, just like the Bible.

I actually liked the book, The Golden Compass. It was entertaining and provocative. It’s too bad that The Catholic League didn’t ask me my opinion before going out and speaking in my name. The truth is that I don’t mind being criticized, when the criticism is intelligently done. Do you know how boring it is having everyone telling you what they think you want to hear all the time?

Let me make this clear: The Catholic League does not speak for me. Go out and get a copy of The Golden Compass to read over the weekend, and when the movie comes out in theatres in the second week of December, go to see it.

- God

Dear God,

My friend recently showed me a CD-Rom he bought for $16.95 from a company called The Interview With God. He showed me a brochure for the stuff that they have to sell, and it reads, “A remarkable number of e-mails and letters come from those that have expressed how God has touched them and personally spoken to them through The Interview With God.”

Does this stuff really come from an interview these people had with you? Did you actually talk to them?

- Belinda

Belinda,

No, I have never spoken to any of the people who work with that company, The Interview With God. They don’t know that, though.

What happened is that they got in touch with my publicist, who always likes to arrange more appointments for me than I can possibly manage to make, even with my supernatural powers. So, I did what I usually do when I am overbooked. I called a friend of mine, Stanley Pourlon.

Stan serves as my stand-in when I’m busy. He has a really great telephone voice, and the people who he speaks with really don’t know the difference, as they’ve never met me anyway.

So, the people from The Interview With God called up Stan in his office in Maryland, and did a phone interview with him, pretending that he was me. He just kind of made it up as he went along, and then when the questions started getting specific, he just waved the telephone in the air and said that signal was breaking up. Then, he hung up, and didn’t answer when they called back.

Apparently, the people at The Interview With God really liked what Stan had to say. After all, they’re now selling The Interview With God calendars and screensavers, and calendars, and greeting cards, and all sorts of other cheesy stuff.

What they really ought to call it though, is The Interview With Stan. I suppose their stuff wouldn’t sell as successfully with that new name. My lawyer says that I could sue them to force them to stop using my name without authorization, but I’m not the kind of person to file a lawsuit without a lot of really strong provocation.

- God

Dear God,

My parents have said that I can’t have any free time after school until I finish raking all the leaves. The trouble is that some of the leaves are still on the trees, and in two days, we’re supposed to get a big snowstorm. After that, I may never have the chance to rake those leaves - at least not until the snow melts in March.

I’m worried that I can’t possibly get all those leaves raked, and then I’ll have to spend the whole winter without any free time. What can I possibly do?

- Lucy

Lucy,

Clearly, you have been cursed by a demon. In the book of Psalms, it says of the blessed man, “He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth his fruit in his season. His leaf also shall not wither, and whatsoever he does shall prosper.”

Take a look at your situation. Your leaves are withering, and your chore of raking the leaves is definitely not prosperous work. You’ve got a diabolical possession on your hands. It’s in your rake, I suspect. The demon’s name is Chauncey, and he’s a pesky little gremlin, loving to make a mess as fast as you can clean it up.

Not all is lost. There is a reason for everything, even for Britney Spears dropping her baby on its head.

Did you know that the Hindus wrote their sacred texts on the backs of palm leaves?

There’s an opportunity for you in this curse. You could become a prophet. Forget about free time. Start living in sacred time. Start writing on the backs of those leaves now, and by springtime, you will have your very own genuine sacred text.

I’ll give you a good opening line to start with: “It has been said of the universe that a cat in a tree is no stranger to the temptations of the ground.”

You take it from there.

- God

Dear God,

I like to think of myself as someone who is up to date on technology. I was an early user of the Internet, and I’ve been sending emails out for 15 years now.

That said, I’m stumped by StumbleUpon. I understand the concept of it, just fine. The user provides some keywords and categories, and then the StumbleUpon brings the user, randomly, to some site within that sphere.

I’m worried about the moral implications of it all. On the one hand, I can see the value of StumbleUpon as reviving the surprise of the early days of surfing the Internet just for the pleasure of it.

On the other hand, it seems very nihilist. It rejects order, and the idea of intentionality as an inherent structure in the universe. It is as if there is no longer to be any structure to being than that which is defined by the user.

That, in itself, seems to me to be a rejection of the value of God.

What’s your opinion?

- Edwin

Edwin,

Stumbling is actually an essential part of the divine art of prophecy. It was a gift from me to humanity that had been lost for centuries, until now.

Once, I required prophets to stumble around in the desert for weeks at a time until they stumbled upon ultimate truth. Now, thanks to StumbleUpon, people can achieve prophecy from the comfort of their own homes.

It’s part of a new line of spirituality products that I’m introducing, all incorporating the concept of convenience enlightenment. It’s been the assumption of religious preachers that enlightenment must be difficult. I’m willing to challenge that convention.

You wouldn’t want to make it more difficult than necessary for your kids to learn to read, would you? Well, that’s why I’m giving new learning shortcuts to people who want to understand what they need to do to reach a higher plane of existence. I promise that you can become one with everything in one week or less, or your money back.

Here’s an introductory offer of a clue: StumbleUpon is indeed random, and that’s how it will help you reach enlightenment. It’s no different in that respect from every other system of organizing scripture, including all the holy books that have ever been written.

It’s not for nothing that so many Christians flip to a random page of the Bible when they are seeking guidance. The Bible isn’t meant to be read cover to cover. It only makes sense when read in random order.

- God

Dear God,

Just a few days ago, there was a meeting of Christian bloggers at an event called GodBlogCon. Its mission was “Calling and equipping all Christians to engage culture through the new media.”

Why weren’t you there? You have the God blog of all God blogs. Of all the bloggers there are, surely you, God, are the most qualified to attend.

- Henry

Henry,

First of all, I’m not a Christian. Why would I be? I love my kids and all, but Jesus really went too far with this Christ stuff. He set off a cult of personality, and it got away from him. I know better.

Secondly, I don’t know what could be worse than a bunch of bloggers sitting around talking about blogging instead of blogging. They should have called it GodTalkNotBlogCon.

Put the emphasis on CON in GodBlogCon. None of them got my endorsement. They just assume that they talk for me. I’m here for real, telling you that they don’t speak for God. God speaks for God.

What does God have to say to the people who went to GodBlogCon? Only this: If you can’t create a universe, you don’t get to call yourself God, so knock it off.

- God

Dear God,

Some people say to me that if I want to relax and cut my stress, I should stop paying attention to politics so much. I say to them that it is my responsibility as a citizen to remain informed and active.

Who’s right? Should I pay less attention to politics?

- Bert

Bert,

My son once said, “Give unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s, and give unto God that which is God’s.”

To be honest, that’s just spin. I wrote that line for him when I was working as his campaign manager. Jesus wanted to be king. He didn’t much care what he would be king of by the time he signed me on as his manager. He started out in life bragging that he was going to be king of kings, but then he was caught wandering around lost in the desert after a late night of drinking, and he had to aim lower. So, he said he would be the king of Heaven. Of course, he’d have to wait a long time for me to give up that crown. So, he said he would just settle and become king of the Jews, and when that didn’t happen, he was very disappointed, and said he just wanted to be crucified. Those were sad last days for him, wandering around the streets of Jerusalem muttering that he was going to be the king of a new Israel after he died and came back, and then everybody would be sorry.

The whole “give unto Caesar” line was a great way to avoid the question that you’re asking now. I’ve had some time to think about it, though, so I’m going to give you a straight answer.

There are worse things in life than stress. Do you think I wasn’t stressed out when I created the Earth and all its inhabitants? Of course I felt some tension. I couldn’t stop from worrying about the snakes. I had the nagging sense that I was overdoing it by not giving them any legs at all. So, I kept a backup alternative model of the snake on the shelf - a snake with one leg. it wore shoes, or a single shoe, really.

One morning, I looked at that one-footed snake and I realized that it just didn’t work. I decided to be true to myself and stick with the snake with no legs. You should do the same thing with politics. If you want to pay attention to politics, I say that you should. It would be unwise to go against your essential nature. I have always been a big proponent of the philosophy that if something feels good, you should do it.

You never know where your interest in politics may lead. You may begin a career as a politician yourself, eventually. If you do, drop me a line. I still keep a toe in the political campaign business, and I may be able to help you out.

- God

Dear God,

I am on an airplane after a long day of work, and am trying to get some sleep. However, the people behind me won’t stop talking to each other using very loud voices. For the past 20 minutes, they have been discussing whether Lima or Santiago is the capitol city of Chile.

I can’t stand it any more. How can I get them to be quiet?

- Marcos

Marcos,

You might try being enigmatic. Turn around quietly, point your finger to the ceiling, and then say, “Do you hear the sounds of the ghosts of all the children that I should have had? They sound very frustrated.”

Wait for an answer. Then, point to the ceiling one more time, and turn around without saying anything more.

- God

Dear God,

I have an atheist friend, and I’ve been trying to convince him for years now to convert to Christianity, but he just won’t listen to me. His latest objection to me is that he says I don’t even understand the Bible. Yesterday, when I asked him to pray with me, he said, “I’ll pray with you if you can tell me what a Thessalonian is. You’re always quoting Thessalonians this and Thessalonians that, so what’s a Thessalonian?”

I didn’t know what to say, and so a soul slipped through my fingers. God, what is a Thessalonian?

- Felicia

Felicia,

A Thessalonian is someone from Sicily who speaks with a lisp.

Why are you trying to convert your atheist friend? I think atheists are great. It says so right in the Bible: “And those who do not believe shall sit at my right hand in Heaven, and not have to eat any vegetables before having dessert.”

That’s from the lost chapter of the Thessalonians, which no one wrote down because they couldn’t understand it. Too much lisping.

- God

Dear God,

I’ve got company coming over for dinner in 45 minutes, and I just realized that I forgot to take the steak out of the freezer this morning.

What’s the fastest way to defrost a steak?

- Ida

Ida,

I can sympathize with you. I’ve had that very problem myself.

One time, I invited two couples over to my place for a nice steak dinner. There was Zeus and Hera, who were not getting along very well at the time, and Odin with his new girlfriend Julia, who was a lot younger than anyone else there.

Anyway, I had them all over to my place in the Falklands Islands, a nice little cottage with a view of the penguins, and I had the oven going nice and hot, but then I realized I had left the steaks halfway between here and the Andromeda galaxy, at near absolute zero.

What was I to do? I had to think fast, but then I remembered what my grandmother always told me: When in doubt, try the supernova.

Sure enough, it worked. I brought those steaks over to the nearest star, and provoked it into a supernova explosion. Five billion sentient beings on a nearby planet died almost instantly, but it worked! The heat defrosted the steaks so that they were ready to go into the oven. I put them in just as Odin pulled up on his eight-legged horse, and he had no idea that there had been a problem.

Best of luck to you with your steaks.

- God