Dear God,

The preacher at the church my parents make me go to says that Halloween is Satan’s holiday, and that if I go trick or treating, I will go to Hell when I die if I am lucky, and may well be possessed by a demon or other evil spirit before then.

I don’t believe him. I think he’s just putting Halloween down so that he can get us kids to come to the boring Harvest Party that he holds in the church basement, with sing-a-longs of What a Friend We Have In Jesus and bobbing for apples.

Please, God, I don’t want to spend Halloween night sticking my head into a bucket filled with dirty water and fruit, where a bunch of snot nosed kids have gone before. How can I convince my parents to disobey the preacher and let me go trick or treating?

- Montana

Montana,

Don’t try to reason with your parents, or with the preacher. That’s not the way that they operate. You’re going to have to speak their own language. I suggest that you take one of two paths.

First, you could pick up on the half-truths that your preacher already believes. Tell him that you can’t come to the church Harvest Party because you’ve already been possessed by a demon just for thinking about Halloween.

Second, you could overrule the preacher, and say that you have spoken to God yourself, and that God has commanded you to go trick or treating. This is less fun than the demon option, but more truthful, as you actually have communicated with me through this advice column.

If you choose the second option, I can send down a few lightning bolts at the proper moments, just to back up the truth of your prophecy. But then, what kind of preacher could deny the word of me? I’m sure he’ll see things your way when you explain that you’ve been having a chat with me.

- God

This entry was posted on Monday, October 29th, 2007 at 7:03 pm and is filed under All God's Advice, Demonic Forces. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.