Dear God,

In her book, Fresh Elastic for Stretched Out Moms, Barbara Johnson writes that you are “like a warm comforting blanket”. Elsewhere in the same book, however, she refers to you as an “emotional spatula”.

I’m confused. Where do you go, in the linen closet or in a drawer in the kitchen, next to the can opener?

- Linda

Linda,

I am what you might call an all-in-one tool. I can towel people dry after a shower, or be spread on a couch to hide stains, but I also can be used as an emotional spatula, it’s true. One of my little known features is that I have ring tones that can indicate when your toast is ready. You can download new ringtones to personalize me, like Dixie, which is popular among Southern Baptists, or I Wanna Dance With Somebody, which tends to be used by people who still use Studio Lines from Loreal for hair gel.

The iPhone has nothing on me. I have a touch screen interface just like the iPhone, but mine is infinitely large, allowing full freedom of movement. Just wave your hands in the air, and you can reorganize your calendar, your address book, and send text messages - with a little bit of practice.

Store me in the garage, because I have been known to drip oil after being used as chainsaw.

- God

This entry was posted on Friday, October 19th, 2007 at 10:21 pm and is filed under All God's Advice, Household Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.