Dear God,

New research indicates that ants have a sense of their own mortality. This information is weighing heavily on my mind because I have an ant infestation in my kitchen. I want to get rid of the ants, but after reading that new research, I am worried that I will terrify the ants as I prepare to kill them. They’ll watch me, and know that they’re about to die, and their last moments will be spent in horro. I don’t want to be responsible for such suffering. What should I do?

- Hilda

Hilda,

As novel as that research is to you, I’ve known all along about ants’ preoccupation with death. In fact, I can tell you that ants have a very specific set of beliefs about the afterlife.

Ants believe that, when they die, they will be sucked along a dark, noisy tube until they reach a soft and crowded chamber where they will meet other ants who have died before them. So, what you should do is get a vacuum cleaner, and suck up all the ants that you can find in your kitchen. The ants will believe that they have already died, and therefore have nothing to fear. They will enjoy exploring the world of the afterlife inside your vacuum cleaner, until they actually die.

Then, they will discover the true afterlife that waits for them, and for all other insects: An infinitely long road, paved with squares of talking linoleum. It is better that ants are not enlightened to this truth until after death. They hate linoleum. It makes their feet feel itchy.

- God

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 16th, 2007 at 9:37 pm and is filed under All God's Advice, Science and technology, Household Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.