Dear God,

They say that all answers lie with you. So, I thought I’d just ask: Do you ever have body odor, and if so, what do you do about the problem?

I have body odor something awful. My sister says that it’s all the turkey sandwiches that I eat, on Wonder Bread with mustard. I’m not so sure.

Please help.

- Beauregard

Beauregard,

Your sister is incorrect. Your body odor is not caused by the turkey sandwiches. Every now and then, people do get an unpleasant body odor from eating too many fruit flavored Mentos. However, most of the time, body odor is caused by an infestation of foul demons that live in the skin and clog the pores.

Most people don’t know this, but I have this problem all the time. The bigger the body, after all, the more room for infestation by body odor demons. Ever wondered where all those nebulas came from out in the dark reaches of outer space? Think about it.

Forget the deodorants. They just make you smell like dead fish and flowers. I have found, in my eternal experience, that there are two good solutions to body odor.

1. Use an exfoliant scrub to encourage the smelly demons to leave your skin and go infest someone else.
2. Bathe yourself in a shower of radiation emitted from a neutron star.

Personally, I have had the best luck with the neutron star showers. I’ll leave the choice up to you, though.

- God

This entry was posted on Monday, October 1st, 2007 at 6:27 pm and is filed under All God's Advice, Demonic Forces, Household Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.