Dear God,

I have been following the career of Mike Gravel ever since he was a Senator from Alaska during the Vietnam War, and he read the Pentagon Papers into the public record, faced down President Nixon, and forced an end to the funding of the Vietnam War.

I support Mike Gravel’s campaign, but I can’t help noticing that Senator Gravel is not close to becoming the Democratic Party frontrunner.

I’m wondering what I can do to help Senator Gravel win the Democratic nomination, and the general presidential election in 2008. Do you have any advice?

- Nadia

Nadia,

I do have advice on this subject. As God, I am not only omnipresent, omniscient and omnibenevolent. I am also omniadvisorial.

A more interesting question is whether I am willing to share my advice for how to help Mike Gravel get elected as President. Lucky for you, I am in just such a mood.

It is very observant of you to notice that Mike Gravel’s campaign seems to be having a great deal of trouble. You should not feel bad for not being able to see what the problem is. You see, the problem is invisible.

Mike Gravel is cursed by an invisible demon named Deratianoo. Deratianoo is a mischevious demon who dedicates himself to the political destruction of political candidates. Whenever Mike Gravel gives a speech, Deratianoo runs around the room and whispers nasty things in the ears of the people, like “Mike Gravel smells” or “Mike Gravel has been caught eating human flesh”. People who hear these whispers do not remember them on a conscious level, but are nonetheless turned off, without knowing exactly why.

What you must do is break the curse of Deratianoo. Use a puppet.

Make a puppet that looks like Mike Gravel and hold a puppet news conference at which the puppet Mike Gravel announces to an assembly of puppet journalists that he is ending his presidential campaign. With any luck, Deratinoo will stop haunting Mike Gravel, and he will stand a chance of gaining the Democratic nomination.

- God

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 6th, 2007 at 9:50 pm and is filed under All God's Advice, In the News, Demonic Forces. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.