Dear God,

My faith has been shaken. I’ve been eating pretzels at the Auntie Anne’s pretzel shop at my local mall for years now. I love the way that they manage to make the pretzels taste bready and fatty and salty and sweet, all at the same time.

Well, I went there yesterday, and I enjoyed my pretzel so much that I asked to see Auntie Anne and thank her myself. That’s when the bottom dropped out of my world. The person at the cash register told me that there is no Auntie Anne.

I said, “That’s impossible! Look at the blue neon sign above you. It says ‘Auntie Anne’s’ This place is hers. It’s there in writing. It has to be true.”

The clerk refused to accept the logic of my argument. He just said to me, “Whatever is written up there, there is no Auntie Anne. Would you like to talk to the manager?”

Well, I talked to the manager, and she denied her personal relationship with Aunti Anne, who had created all the pretzels sitting there right in front of us.

“How can you manage one of Auntie Anne’s restaurants and not know Auntie Anne, or at least have her telephone number?” I asked.

“There is no Auntie Anne,” she said.

“Prove it to me,” I demanded. “Prove to me that Auntie Anne does not exist.”

“I can’t prove a negative,” said the manager, obviously clutching at straws. “I can’t prove that there is no Auntie Anne any more than I can prove to you that there is no invisible pretzel demon, standing behind you, waiting to lick your pretzel.”

This was too much for me to handle. At that moment, I realized what I was up against. I was dealing with a denier of Auntie Anne and a pretzel demon at the same time. I dropped my pretzel and ran away. I haven’t been back to Auntie Anne’s since.

I don’t know what to do. I need Auntie Anne, but I’m afraid to go back and face the licking pretzel demon. What should I do?

- Anita

Anita,

Clearly, what you need to do is to start lobbying Congress. Get the words “and Auntie Anne” inserted in the Pledge of Allegiance. Have the words “On Pretzels We Chew” printed on the dollar bill. Have school children bow their heads and eat a pretzel before class begins each day. Force your local school district to start teaching high school biology students that all living things are descended from pretzels.

Only then will Auntie Anne’s power become evident to you once more.

- God

This entry was posted on Friday, August 31st, 2007 at 10:43 am and is filed under All God's Advice, Odd Mysteries, Theology, Demonic Forces, Infidels. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.