Dear God,

Maybe I haven’t been clear enough with my questions. Could you please give me some advice about losing fat, so that my body gets lean and in shape?

- Bernie

Bernie,

Improve your diet and exercise. You didn’t really need me to tell you that, did you?

Here’s some more specific advice. For your diet, do not eat any food that is red or begins with the letter P. Also, don’t eat any meat unless you catch the animal yourself.

For exercise, I suggest that you do what I call fire hydrant sprints. Go out and loosen the cap on a fire hydrant so that it starts to shoot out water, then run away as fast as you can so that the police won’t catch you. If you keep it up for a week, you’ll be gettting much better exercise, as the local police will be on to you by then, and you’ll have to run really fast.

If you’re not comfortable with criminal misdemeanors, then you should try the gymnastic plate toss. Take your best dinner plates out into the back yard or to a park. Take a plate in your hand, close your eyes, and then throw the plate up into the air. Then, open your eyes and run after the plate, trying to catch it before it hits the ground. Bring a broom to sweep up the pieces.

Finally, for burning calories with minimum effort, I suggest the isometric bug out. Sitting in a chair, open up your eyes as wide as you can. Then, while holding your breath, use the muscles around your eyeballs to push them in and out, and in and out. You’re not used to using these muscles, so it will be hard at first, but keep at it. This is an especially good exercise for the breakfast table.

- God

Dear God,

Your latest solution for weight loss, while creative, seems to miss the point. If I drink a lot of water, and then urinate it later, I’m not really losing weight from my body when I urinate it. I’m just losing the weight of the water that my body is holding.

How can I lose weight from my body, so that my body, and not just the total water my body is retaining, weighs less?

- Bernie

Bernie,

Have you thought of living on another planet? If you choose a smaller planet, like Mars, you’ll have less of a gravitational field to contend with. If you go to live on Mars, you’ll lose 20 to 30 pounds as soon as you get there.

Of course, living on Mars may not be realistic for you, given the lack of food there, the profoundly subzero temperatures, and the poisonous atmosphere. For this reason, I suggest an alternative: Become an astronaut and move to the International Space Station. Earth orbit is not absolutely weightless, but you will lose almost all of your weight. Also, they have dehydrated ice cream that I’ve heard is pretty good.

- God

Dear God,

I’m getting frustrated with your weight loss advice. First you suggest that I cut off my leg. Then you suggest that I stop eating and drinking altogether. Well, I can’t stop eating and drinking. The temptation of my hunger and thirst is just too much for me to bear. How can I lose weight without cutting off a part of my body or going without eating or drinking?

- Bernie

Bernie,

It’s good to see that you’re finally getting specific. Now that you’re asking the right question, I’m ready to share with you my No Cutting, No Starving Weight Loss Plan.

Step 1. Drink a lot of water.
Step 2. Drink more water.
Step 3. Drink even more water.
Step 4. Do not urinate for four hours.
Step 5. Weigh yourself.
Step 6. Urinate everything you’ve got all in one go.
Step 7. Weigh yourself again.

I guarantee you that with Step 6 in this process, you will lose two to three pounds almost instantly. If you do this every day, you will lose between 15 and 20 pounds every week!

- God

Dear God,

I asked you how I could lose weight quickly, and you suggested amputation. That’s not an acceptable solution for me.

What’s the quickest way to lose weight without cutting off any part of my body?

- Bernie

Bernie,

Stop eating and drinking.

- God

Dear God,

What’s the quickest way to lose weight?

- Bernie

Bernie,

Have someone chop off one of your legs.

- God

Dear God,

Something I’ve never understood is how the same people who say that the Bible ought to be literally interpreted as the word of God can then turn around and say, when their religious claims don’t seem to make sense, that God works in mysterious ways. If you are truly mysterious in the way that you work, God, then why would you go around writing books that state literally and directly what your agenda is and what you want other people to do about it? That’s not very mysterious, is it?

So, which is it, God? Do you work in mysterious ways or literal ways?

- Dorian

Dorian,

The only honest response I can give you is this: Blueberry muffin.

I say that with the utmost sincerity.

- God