Dear God,

I am sick and tired of mowing my lawn. It’s time consuming. It’s expensive, with the rising price of gasoline. What’s more, I feel guilty about it, running that engine back and forth, back and forth, putting pollution into the air, contributing to global warming just to keep the grass nice and short.

What else can I grow in my back yard as an alternative to grass?

- Julie

Julie,

I suggest large hoofed animals.

Giraffes are especially useful, because their long legs really kick up the turf when they run. If you put a small herd of giraffes in your back yard, with a fence to keep them in, I guarantee you that you won’t need to mow the lawn.

You might also try pigs.

- God

Dear God,

I recently read that Tom DeLay, the former Republican leader of Congress who was forced to resign because of his extensive corruption, has announced that he has been chosen by you to lead a conservative political renaissance. DeLay is quoted as saying that, “I listen to God, and what I’ve heard is that I’m supposed to devote myself to rebuilding the conservative base of the Republican Party, and I think we shouldn’t be underestimated.”

Is Tom DeLay telling the truth? Have you really called upon him to lead the Republican Party back into control over Congress? If so, isn’t this an odd choice that brings your political competence into question?

- Spruce

Spruce,

It’s true that I am a paid political advisor to Tom DeLay, and many other political leaders. I can’t discuss the terms of my contract with former Congressman DeLay, but I can tell you that yes, I did take that golfing trip to Scotland with Jack Abramoff. Of course, I’m an omnipresent deity, and so I didn’t need for Jack Abramoff to pay for my plane ticket.

Tom DeLay isn’t quite telling the truth about my political advice to him. What I told DeLay to do is to rebuild the conservationist base of the Republican Party. But then, DeLay is a former insect exterminator, so conservation doesn’t come naturally to him.

It’s part of DeLay’s penance, for denying the reality of global warming for so long.

- God

Dear God,

I recently saw this bumper sticker on a car. It says, “I love Jesus more than you do”

Is this possible? Could somebody really love Jesus more than I do? I’ve been working so hard to love Jesus as much as I can, but it’s hard to know where I stand in Jesus’s heart. Jesus isn’t the kind of man who lets you know how he’s feeling. No matter what I do or say, Jesus remains silent and absent.

So, please, God, be honest with me. Who loves Jesus the most?

- Libby

Libby,

I’m sorry to say that you don’t stand a chance in Jesus’s heart.

Frigg, that nordic slut of a goddess, has always has the hots for Jesus. She loves Jesus more than anybody else, and Jesus only has eyes for her.

Oh, it doesn’t matter that Frigg is already married to Odin. I’ve told Jesus over and over again that Frigg will never leave Odin for him, but Jesus always says that he doesn’t know how a god with only one eye can really satisfy a goddess like Frigg.

I’m telling you, Frigg is bad news. Not only is she robbing the cradle, but she keeps too many secrets. Legend says that she knows the destiny of everyone, even my destiny, but she won’t tell anyone what that destiny is, the little tease.

I know that this isn’t easy for you to hear, Libby, but I suggest that you move on. There’s no sense keeping a torch burning for Jesus. He’s just not ready to let go right now.

- God

Dear God,

I recently read that Kenneth R. Willard is the only candidate running to become the new President of the National Association of State Boards of Education. Willard gained notoriety for supporting efforts to force Kansas teachers to teach students Christian theology about the creation of the Earth in high school biology classes.

Apparently, Willard’s only opponent withdrew after getting severe health problems. I don’t understand how you could allow this to take place. Why didn’t you perform a miracle and bolster the health of Willard’s opponent?

- Fern

Fern,

You’re obviously one of those liberal types who think that I sit on a cloud and sing kumbaya all day long. The reason I did not miraculously cure the sickness of Kenneth Willard’s opponent is that it would have been counterproductive.

You see, I did perform a miracle. I am the one who made the opponent of Kenneth Willard sick in the first place. It was a case of divine justice. I knock off anyone who stands in the way of those who seek to promote my worship, and flatter me with praise.

This should come as no surprise to you. The Bible is full of examples of me assassinating my opponents. I smite people all the time in scripture.

So, you have to a decision. Either you believe scripture, and conclude that I am God the Smiter, and have ordained Kenneth Willard as President of the National Association of State School Boards, or decide that you don’t really believe in scripture after all.

The choice is yours, but beware. If you make the second choice, I just might smite you.

- God

Dear God,

I saw in the news today that the National Wildlife Federation is predicting that climate change will cause many officially designated state wildflowers and state trees to leave the states for which they are emblems.

For example, in Pennsylvania, the state flower, the mountain laurel, and the state tree, the eastern hemlock, are both likely to become endangered as temperatures continue to increase.

I don’t understand. How can the climates of planet Earth change so much that a state flower doesn’t even grow in its home state any more? Are state wildflowers eternal, or are they just designated by the human committees of government?

- Petunia

Petunia,

Actually, state flowers and state trees are not eternal. Neither, however, are they designated by human governmental committees. There is a third option you have not considered: Badgers.

Think about it for a minute. Do you really know what badgers do? Almost nobody does.

The reason is that badgers are constantly busy reviewing proposed official state emblems. It was the badgers who chose the state flowers, and the state trees, and the state birds.

The badgers meet in special convention in central Nebraska every three years to decide these matters. In 2009, the badgers are scheduled to give each state an official potato chip. They had to wait a while on that one, until there were more than 50 different potato chips to choose from.

The badgers reserve the right to choose a new state flower for any state, but need a two-thirds majority to do so.

- God

Dear God,

I keep on hearing about organic food. My friends say that I should “go organic”, and when I go to the store, I see organic strawberries, organic bananas, organic breakfast cereal, even organic tea.

I have to admit that I just don’t get it. What’s so wrong with food grown the old-fashioned way, with lots of pesticides and herbicides sprayed on them by conscientious farmers?

- Larry

Larry,

You obviously never went to catechism. The Book of Job tells the story of the fallen angel, Miraklogro. The archangel Miraklogro made the mistake long ago of criticizing the way that I had designed the plants of the earth. The grass didn’t grow thick and uniform enough, and it got brown in dry weather, he said. The flowers I designed weren’t big enough. The tomato plant only gave fist-sized fruit, he complained, when it could really be much, much bigger.

One day, I was listening to Miraklogro complain that the leaves of a certain species of ivy were too prone to unsightly spots, and he actually said that I ought to give up the job of being god for the plant world over to him. That was too much for me to bear, so I condemned him to walk the Earth forever, able only to eat processed foods.

What I didn’t anticipate is that Miraklogro actually liked his new assignment. He joined the forces of Satan and invented pesticides and herbicides that he said would make my creation better. He never forgave me for slapping him down when he got uppity, though. So, uttered a curse that whenever food is grown without pesticides or herbicides, people will be tempted to make it into unappealing dishes like tabouli, and take it to dinner parties to place on the buffet next to the chocolate brownies.

Will you eat organic food, and side with me, or that prepackaged conventional food, and side with the fallen angel Miraklogro? Actually, those powdered doughnuts do look pretty good.

- God

Dear God,

I have two children, ages 11 and 9. I’m wondering if they’re old enough to start watching horror movies like Nightmare on Elm Street or The Night of the Living Dead. What do you think the right age to start watching horror movies is?

- Elise

Elise,

I think that the right age to start watching horror movies is 52 years old. At that age, you’ve already been exposed to enough real horror that the Hollywood simulations of it make a nice background noise, kind of like NPR in the morning.

- God

Dear God,

I walked out my front door to find a swarm of dying mayflies on the sidewalk. Why is it that you designed mayflies to live only for one day and then die? It seems awfully cruel to me.

- Rosemarie

Rosemarie,

It is a common misconception that mayflies live only for one day. The truth is that they live in their adult form for one day, but they live in their larval form for much longer - a few weeks.

There’s a clear reason for this arrangement that might just help you feel better about the whole thing. What you don’t know about mayflies is that they’re born terrorists.

Mayflies possess an unrivaled mental aptitude that makes their inherent terroristic nature particularly dangerous. You may think that human beings are the most intelligent species on the planet, but you’re wrong. It’s mayflies. They’re geniuses beyond human comprehension.

If mayflies were able to live more than one day, they would, in their malice, design, construct and explode a bomb capable of creating a crater the size of New Zealand.

Mayflies have a harsh political agenda which they seek to achieve by any means necessary. Their manifesto: Liberate the Omaha Seventeen! Nobody, not even I, know who the Omaha Seventeen are, much less how to liberate them, and that makes the mayflies such a terrible threat. You see, mayflies do not accept that ignorance is an excuse for inaction.

Every morning, during mayfly season, millions upon millions of mayflies emerge from their larval state, have group sex while flying in the air, and then set upon their dastardly mission of designing the ultimate superweapon. By nightfall, their plans are complete, and they go to bed with the agreement that they’ll build the weapon and detonate it before breakfast. Then, they all die.

You should be grateful, very grateful, to see your sidewalk littered with their carcases, the little buggers.

- God