Dear God,

I believe that George W. Bush is the worst President in all of American history. Even worse than that, I think that President Bush is a criminal. Bush has committed war crimes. He has knowingly violated laws passed by Congress on matters of torture and spying on Americans. The way I see it, a criminal President like Bush ought to be impeached.

Unfortunately, the Democratic leadership in Congress doesn’t see things that way.

How can we overcome the stubborn refusal of Democrats in Congress to begin the impeachment of George W. Bush? I’ve heard of a movement sweeping the United States, from Vermont all the way over to Oregon, trying to get pro-impeachment resolutions passed by village and city boards. In many places, like Vermont, this has taken place already. In other places, like Trumansburg, New York, impeachment resolutions are being prepared and may soon be nearing passage.

Do you think that these local pro-impeachment resolutions are worthwhile? Should I try to get one passed in my village?

- Yolanda

Yolanda,

I absolutely do think that these local pro-impeachment resolutions are worthwhile, and that you should start one yourself.

You see, every time that a local impeachment resolution is passed, an angel gets its wings. That’s really, really important, because the angel tree on which I grow all my angels drops an overripe angel about once every three days.

Please understand that I try to pick all the angels before they ripe, because the best tasting angels are ripened on the kitchen counter. Nonetheless, I do miss some every now and then. So, about once every three days or so, an overripe angel comes falling out of the angel tree. That’s dangerous, because the angel tree is half a mile high.

So, if a local impeachment resolution is passed about once every three days, then an angel who is falling gets to fly away and join the heavenly choirs that spend eternity singing my praises. If no impeachment resolution is passed, well then, the angel goes splat.

Please, don’t let a perfectly good angel go to waste. Get that impeachment resolution passed as fast as you can.

- God

Dear God,

When I got up from my nap this afternoon, I discovered that I had accidentally locked myself in my bedroom. I’ve been in here for three hours now, and I’m beginning to get worried. My husband left home on a three day business trip this morning. I don’t know how I can survive three days without food or water.

What should I do?

- Claudia

Claudia,

First, pray that the door becomes unlocked. Then, if that doesn’t work, pray some more. If the door still does not become unlocked, pray again, but this time with your eyes clenched very tightly shut

If that doesn’t work, open a window, stick your head out and yell for help until one of your neighbors comes to rescue you.

- God

Dear God,

I looking through medical research sites online today when I came across a place of unspeakable blasphemy.

A dentist, who is associated with the California Breath Clinics, has dared to insult the Bible with his own satirical version of the holy book. He calls it The Bad Breath Bible, obviously meaning to imply that you, God, have halitosis.

What can I do to help you bring these blasphemers to justice?

- Alexi

Alexi,

Stop brushing your teeth. That will show them.

As for bad breath, well, I admit that it’s true. I ate an advanced civilization on the planet Nuptar in the Andromeda Galaxy as a snack a few years ago, and I can’t seem to get it out from between my back teeth.

- God

Dear God,

In the grocery store today, I saw a book for sale entitled The Bible Cure For Headaches. I don’t get it. How can the Bible cure headaches?

I searched the Bible, and not once anywhere does the Bible mention headaches, much less a cure for them.

So, what is it, God? What is the Bible cure for headaches?

- Benson

Benson,

If you have a headache, hit yourself over the head with the Bible until it doesn’t hurt any more.

- God

Dear God,

I just found out this morning, at the breakfast table, that my 16 year-old daughter is pregnant. She says she is going to keep the baby.

I asked my daughter who the father is, and she says that there isn’t a father. She insists that she never had sex with anybody, but that she just got pregnant.

I have no idea how to deal with this. If my daughter would just admit who the father of the baby is, I would at least have a place to start. I could see if he is the kind of person who ought to be involved in my daughter’s life, and could contribute to taking care of the child.

Not knowing who the father is, and having my daughter completely deny even that she had sex to get pregnant, however, leaves me feeling stymied. What do I do, God?

- Albert

Albert,

I’m sorry for your situation. When I say that, I don’t just mean that I have sympathy for you. I say that because I am responsible.

I am the father of your daughter’s child. A couple of months ago, I appeared to her in the form of a tube of sparkly lip gloss, and when she applied my canteloupe-flavored divine essence to her lips, she became impregnated with the seed of the Cosmos itself.

I meant to appear to you and explain the situation to you in a dream last week, before your daughter could tell you, but I got busy creating a new star in the Andromeda Galaxy. Its going to be green, and three times the size of the sun, and eventually there’s going to be a planet with intelligent life forms that look like chewing gum on a hot sidewalk.

I hope you can understand how I got distracted.

Don’t worry about providing financial support for your granddaughter (yes, the baby will be a girl). Instead, you should lay the foundations of a new religion, for I intend this child to become my prophet at the age of 26.

This new messiah has been sent to the people of the Earth in order to teach you the importance of proper breathing techniques, to debunk the impure methods of degraded commercial aromatherapy, to drive the cell phone booths out of the shopping mall, and to travel from town to town, preaching and miraculously converting SUVs into fuel efficient vehicles.

- God

Dear God,

All the time, I hear Christians asking themselves the rhetorical question: What would Jesus do?

Honestly, I don’t get their point. How would they know what Jesus would do, if he were alive two thousand years after he actually lived? Would Jesus choose Verizon or Cingular?

So, I thought I’d come to you for a straight answer. After all, if anyone knows what Jesus would do, it would be God, right?

So, God, what would Jesus do?

- Dave the Doubter

Dave,

Jesus would star in the title role in a documentary by James Cameron, The Lost Tomb of Christ. Look for the bones.

Other than that, Jesus wouldn’t do anything. He’s dead.

He could have been fertilizing crops by now, if he weren’t put in that dusty, useless crypt.

- God

Dear God,

Tonight, the History Channel is broadcasting a documentary, directed by Christopher Cassel, called The Dark Ages. The advertisement for this documentary describes the Dark Ages as “degenerate, godless, and inhuman”.

I can understand how the Dark Ages can be described as degenerate. But how an they be described as godless and inhuman?

It is well known that Christianity dominated almost all of Europe throughout the Dark Ages. And weren’t the people living in the Dark Ages human?

- Truman

Truman,

In spite of what you have heard, I was not part of the Dark Ages. I had a whole stockroom full of enough light bulbs to last me for thousands of years.

Furthermore, the people living in Europe during the Dark Ages were not human, at least not in the way that we think of being human. For the most part, they were a subspecies, now almost extinct, Homo illiterati.

- God

Dear God,

I’m a forty year-old father of three. I love my family, and I want to do well by them, but I’m about at the end of my rope.

I’ve been working long hours at my job for years now, always feeling that I’m on the verge of achieving financial success. Just when I think I have financial stability in grasp, an unanticipated cost comes up, and I have to put my nose back to the grindstone again.

I want to make sure that my family is provided for, but I’m exhausted. What can I do to overcome my fatigue and re-energize my professional life to finally attain the success I’ve been working toward for so long?

- Eugene

Eugene,

When I get feeling blue, or a little bit lost, or not sure what to do next, I always invent a new religion. I find someone to be my special prophet for a few years, and give that person magical powers to impress the little people and get them to pay attention. Then, the followers of the new religion give me extra-special enthusiastic worship, convinced that they’re going to change the world. The prophets rarely survive for longer than five or ten years, but the believers keep on worshipping me in a new, jim dandy kind of way that makes me feel all rosy inside again.

Oh, wait. I forgot. You’re not omnipotent. That must explain why you’re tired all the time.

Hm. Have you tried pulling yourself up by your bootstraps?

- God