Advice From God

Dear God,

I was recently reading the Book of Numbers, Chapter 31, in which you commanded Moses to slaughter the people of Midian. Moses, as part of that slaughter, commanded his followers to kill all the little boys, saying, “Now therefore kill every male among the little ones.”

When the followers of Moses killed all the little boys they captured from Midian, you did not protest. You did not tell Moses he had done a bad thing by commanding the massive slaughter of children. In fact, it is implied in the Book of Numbers that Moses committed this atrocity at your suggestion.

Yet, in my country today, it is a crime to round up little children and kill them. Are these laws against the murder of children in violation of the will of God? If so, when is it okay to kill little boys, and when is it a sin?

- Daniel

Daniel,

You’ve got it all wrong.

That chapter from the Book of Numbers was rewritten by the descendents of Moses, so that he would not look bad.

I certainly did protest against the slaughter of those innocent boys by Moses. The children of Moses had those protests censored.
What I really said to Moses was this: “Now therefore kill every male among the little swans.” I was just suggesting to Moses that he might want to go with his soldiers on a hunting party in the marshlands around Midian.

Moses just wasn’t paying close attention to what I said. That was pretty typical of him. Why, did you know that I dictated 47 commandments to him when I appeared to him as a burning bush? Moses didn’t take notes, and he just came back with those tablets showing the ones he could remember off the top of his head, and he didn’t even get all of that right.

I would never, ever, ever, condone murder. I am, after all, omnibenevolent. For every contradiction of that truth in the Holy Bible, I can show you a serious typographical error.

- God

Dear God,

I was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. When I asked my oncologist what could be done, he just said, “Nothing.” I asked him how he knew there was nothing to be done, how he could give up without trying. He just shrugged his shoulders and walked out of the room. I had to get dressed and walk myself back out to the front office and pay for the visit without anything more than that.

What am I supposed to do now?

- Barry

Barry,

There is nothing that you’re supposed to do. You have stepped outside of the realm of supposition and social order. You have a fatal illness, and the medical profession appears to have abandoned you. As far as they’re concerned, you’re already dead.

You can go to another doctor, of course, and see if you’ll get another opinion. You might not get another opinion, however. You might just get another oncologist who gives you the same opinion, although it’s delivered in a less brutal form.

More fundamentally, you have to deal with the crisis that all people will have to deal with, although most people forget about it. You are going to die. Maybe you won’t die today, or tomorrow, or this week, or this year, but you will die eventually. There is no cure for mortality.

Why must it be this way? Well, actually it doesn’t have to be this way at all. Human beings could be immortal, if I chose to allow it. However, I chose to create people as mortal beings. That way, there would be more turnover, and more interesting plot developments in the soap operas.

Don’t blame your oncologist for it. Blame me.

- God