Dear God,

I need your help with a matter concerning the ethics of fashion.

For much of the last decade, flared pants and bellbottoms were considered high fashion. Now, they’re out of fashion, and pants with tapered ankles are in. So, I’ve got a lot of pants now with unfashionable flappy ankles. I want to get rid of them, so as not to be wasteful, and so I’m considering donating them to a non-profit that will redistribute my bellbottoms to those who are too poor to buy their own pants.

I’m concerned, though, that wearing bellbottoms years after they were in style could stigmatize the poor, and perpetuate the cycle of poverty. What’s the right thing to do?

- Danata

Danata,

Keep the bellbottoms for yourself as an investment, storing them in your attic until they’re fashionable again. Then, to help the poor, find an organization that provides trendy clothes to poor people, to help their self-esteem. In Los Angeles, there’s a group called Poor Couture. Good luck.

- God

Dear God,

I just read that last piece of advice that you gave, claiming that a man named Paul Quadriches is the registered owner of AdviceFromGod.com, and impersonates you with your permission as a body double at the address of 17 Little Tree Lane in South Waterloo, New Jersey. Well, I looked it up on MapQuest, and ther is no such address. There isn’t even any such town as South Waterloo, New Jersey.

How am I supposed to give any credit to any advice that you give, when you give such obviously false information as this?

- Clarice

Clarice,

Whether you give credit to the advice I give is entirely up to you. Of course, there are consequences, such as eternal damnation, if you make the wrong choice.

I wonder what makes you think that it’s so obvious that I have given out false information by saying that Paul Quadriche lives at 17 Little Tree Lane, South Waterloo, New Jersey. It’s true that South Waterloo cannot be found on MapQuest, but does that mean that it does not exist? It just so happens that I have used my infinite power to hide South Waterloo from MapQuest.

You’re really not much of a believer, are you? Here I am, God himself, telling you that there is a town in New Jersey named South Waterloo. On the other hand, MapQuest tells you that there is no such place as South Waterloo, New Jersey. You choose to believe the word of MapQuest over the word of God? Where is your faith?

- God

Dear God,

You say that you’re God, and that you write this advice column in the name of the highest divine forced in the universe. Yet, when I check to see who has registered AdviceFromGod.com, the domain name upon which this column is hosted, I see the name Paul Quadriche of 17 Little Tree Lane, South Waterloo, New Jersey.

Is Mr. Quadriche your professional prophetic agent, a new messianic incarnation of you on Earth, or an unauthorized imposter?

- Lattimore

Lattimore,

Paul Quadriche is what I like to call an authorized imposter. You know how Saddam Hussein had a double who would trouble around Iraq, so as to confuse assassins? Well, Paul Quadriche does the same thing for me, impersonating me with my permission. Now that you mention it, though, Saddam Hussein has been hanged, hasn’t he? Maybe I ought to give Paul a call, and tell him to lie low for a while, just in case.

- God

Dear God,

Our manager has announced that he wants to start out the new year with an office party. He thinks it’s going to bring us together in a positive attitude for the year to come, but I’m just anxious about it.

I’m fairly new to the work world, though, and so I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’ve heard a lot about how office parties are terrible events where people get drunk and embarrass themselves in front of coworkers. The karaoke scene from Bridget Jones’s Diary comes to mind.

I’m hoping, God, that you can give me some advice on what to wear to the office party in order to avoid trouble. I’m afraid that my male coworkers will make passes at me, and so I’m inclined to wear something conservative. On the other hand, I’m also afraid that I’ll get the reputation in the office for being an uptight, dowdy shrew.

So, I’ve got a sleeveless blue dress that comes down to my knees, low cut in front, and a black dress with a matching jacket that goes all the way down to my ankles, and is artistic, rather than sexy, in style.

Which dress do you think that I ought to wear to the party?

- Olive

Olive,

Wear the black dress. The blue one has a stain on the back from a veggie dip you sat in at your sister’s birthday party without realizing it.

- God