Dear God,

My Sunday School teacher taught me that you wrote the Bible, and that’s how we know it’s true, and not just some work of fiction cooked up by priests who were trying to hold power over other people.

But, now, I see over at a discussion going on at a blog about the Bible that there is a reference to the Bible being written and copyrighted in 1982 by Thomas Nelson.

Is it true, God? Was the Bible actually written in 1982 by Thomas Nelson? Do you know this Mr. Nelson? Is he a friend of yours?

I don’t know how to deal with this new information. How can I believe in a book unless it was written a long, long time ago? What should I do?

- Curtis

Curtis,

Well, now the truth is out. Yes, I claimed authorship over the Bible, but the truth is that it was written by Thomas Nelson.

Yes, I wanted to create the impression that the Bible is an ancient document, but the truth is that the Bible was written in 1982.

I know it seems crazy, but keep in mind that, as God, I am all powerful and I work in mysterious ways. What I did, see, was come up for the idea of the Bible in 1981. I was inspired by the space shuttle.

Well, I called up Thomas Nelson, and he agreed to help me with the project. We met in a diner and I wrote him down some ideas for the book on a napkin, and he went and wrote the Bible for me, and agreed that my name would be on the cover, so his boss wouldn’t know he was moonlighting.

Think hard now. Did you ever actually see a Bible before 1981? Are you sure you did? You didn’t really.

After the Bible was published, we decided to publicize it by claiming that it was of ancient origin. So, we had some photographs planted in old archives, and faked some old manuscripts describing the Bible. Then, I used my supernatural God powers to plant false memories in people, so that they would think that they had seen the Bible many times. It was a perfect marketing scheme. One morning, right when the Bible was available for sale, people woke up and looked around their homes, wondering where their Bibles were, even though they had never had any Bible before. Off they went, to buy their Bibles, by the millions.

You don’t need to change your life because of this revelation, Curtis. It doesn’t matter whether I wrote the Bible or not. It doesn’t matter whether the Bible is actually an ancient text.

What matters is that the Bible means something to you, and that you’re willing to go out and buy a few copies. I’m working in a joint partnership with Satan to open up a new level of Hell, and let me tell you, that doesn’t come cheap.

- God

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 16th, 2007 at 2:31 pm and is filed under All God's Advice, Scripture. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.