Dear God,

Senator Joseph Biden has declared his candidacy for the Democratic nomination for President in 2008. I’m wondering, though, how Senator Biden thinks that he can win the Democratic nomination, much less the general election, given that Biden supported George W. Bush’s decision to start the war in Iraq.

If you were working for the Biden for President campaign, what would you do to compensate for this dramatic failure in judgment?

- Polly

Polly,

I would advise Senator Biden to do exactly what he has done in his campaign so far: Pretend that he never supported Bush or the Iraq War.

I am well aware that Joe Biden helped Bush start the Iraq War back in 2002 and 2003. I have a better memory than most people, however. Many Americans assume that, because Biden is a Democrat, he opposed the war and tried to stop Bush.

Many Americans also don’t know that two of Biden’s Democratic opponents in the 2008 presidential campaign, Barack Obama and Dennis Kucinich, had the wisdom to oppose the Iraq War from the start. So, if I were on Biden’s campaign staff, I would advise him to make more statements like the one he made in January, 2007, completely ignoring the early insight of Obama and Kucinich on the Iraq War. Biden derided these opponents, pretending that they had not said anything on the Iraq War until recently, commenting, “You didn’t hear any one of them get in this debate at all until they announced for President.”

You and I may know that candidates Obama and Kucinich had developed better Iraq policies than Biden years ago. Then again, I’m not registered to vote, and most Americans who are registered to vote don’t know as much about the Iraq War as you do.

It’s a sad thing to say, but Senator Biden can probably count on the ignorance of American voters.

- God

Dear God,

In your comments on the relationship between Jesus and Mithras, I couldn’t help notice that you spelled “quesStion” with two s’s. Is this some kind of ancient spelling or are you not as infallible as many people think?

- Atheist Jew

Atheist Jew,

I am as infallible as many people think, and that’s the problem. Many people think many different things about how infallible I am. It was one of my mistakes to allow free will to apply in the determination of such theological matters. That in itself indicates some degree of infallibility on my part, some might say. Others would merely note that I work in mysterious ways.

The truth, or one version of it, is that I meant to type quesstion instead of question. Why? It’s a divine mystery. It may appear, to those who are uninitiated in the complexities of theological discipline, to be an accidental slip of a cosmic keyboard, but, given that I am the divine creator of the entire universe, those in the priestly know understand that the extra S was there for a reason. The religious studies department at Stanford University will be holding a conference on the matter next year.

Besides, your question uses an apostrophe to attempt to indicate a plural, when in fact, such punctuation is meant to refer to a possession. Take the mistaken punctuation out of your own eye before attempting to pluck an apparent typographical error out of the all-seeing eye of the Lord Thy God!

- God

Dear God,

The professor for my Interpretation of Music course has given me the assignment of doing a symbolic examination of the song I Ran So Far Away by A Flock of Seagulls. I’ve looked at the lyrics, and read the biographies of the band members, but I can’t figure out the central issue of the song.

What were they running so far to get away from, and in the end, what happened when they couldn’t get away?

- Frank

Frank,

Some musical historians have speculated that the members of the Flock of Seagulls were writing about their efforts to get away from the Curse of the One Hit Wonders which hit so many New Wave bands. Of course, the lyrics of I Ran So Far Away clearly refer to the inability to escape the pursuer. As you surely know, A Flock of Seagulls had another well known hit, Space Age Love Song.

No, what A Flock of Seagulls was trying so unsuccessfully to run away from was a demon named Hairy Herman. Hairy Herman specializes in the possession of the larynxes of pop singers, causing them to hiccup in the middle of recording sessions.

There is no known exorcism procedure for getting rid of Harry Herman. The only thing that causes Hairy Herman to leave is the bankruptcy of a band due to skyrocketing studio costs that never bear fruit, or the breakup of a band as the result of the arguments that often result from a hiccuping singer.

A Flock of Seagulls lasted longer than most. I Ran So Far Away was recorded over 5 days in the studio, with the good parts spliced together. Hairy Herman finally left A Flock of Seagulls when the band went bankrupt, but members made their second fortune playing at state fairs.

- God

Dear God,

It is often said that your son Jesus is nothing more than a rehashing of the cult of Mithras, a Zoroastrian figure who gained special popularity in the Roman empire just before Christianity caught on. They point out that Mithras was supposed to be the son of the sky god, born to a virgin mother on the 25th of December.

The similarities are remarkable. Is it true that Jesus is just Mithras in disguise?

- Jack

Jack,

I get asked this quesstion a lot of the time, and it really bothers me. I mean, how would it make you feel if people went around saying that your son was really just someone else’s son?

It’s obvious, isn’t it? Jesus and Mithras can’t be the same. After all, they have different names. Jesus begins with a J. Mithras begins with an M.

Also, the followers of Mithras never called themselves Christians. How can people get so confused?

- God

Dear God,

What are your thoughts about the Baghavad-Gita? Some critics say that it tells us that war is a good thing, and we should stop protesting it and just accept it.

Is that true? How could the great Hindu inspirational book beloved by the Beatles and Gandhi teach such a thing?

- Karen

Karen,

I can tell you that the point of the Baghavad-Gita is not that war is good. The point is that war is a rotten, terrible thing that people sometimes get caught in the middle of, and they just have to accept that that’s where they are, and deal with things as they are, and not how we might like things to be.

I can tell you that, but it’s a load of shit.

The Baghavad-Gita tells the story of Arjuna, a member of the ruling warrior-king caste. Arjuna specializes in killing people by shooting them full of arrows. He’s the hero of this tale, believe it or not.

You see, Arjuna and his brothers get into a long set of arguments with their cousins, and so the two groups decide to lead their followers, who are obligated to go along for the bloody ride because of the Indian caste system, into a war. It’s Arjuna’s appointed job to start the killing by riding into the space between the two armies and blowing a conch shell.

Arjuna is taken there by his charioteer, a fellow warrior-king named Krishna, who is actually the incarnation of a god, just like Jesus, except with servants and lots of lovers, and the fact that his skin is blue. Everybody loves Krishna.

Well, just as Arjuna is about to blow the conch shell, he has doubts. He realizes that he’s been part of a plan to kill members of his own family, and that many of his brothers are sure to die All of a sudden, it doesn’t sound like such a great idea.

That’s when Krishna tells Arjuna to shape up, get straight, and blow the damn conch shell. It isn’t Arjuna’s job to think for himself. Arjuna was born into his warrior-king caste, and so it’s his job to go to war and tell other people what to do. That’s just how things are, and if Arjuna doesn’t like it, then he should just put it out of his mind, and learn how to trance out while he kills people. That way, he doesn’t have to feel guilty.

Arjuna still has doubts, because Krishna’s plan does kind of sound like bullshit. So, he asks to see Krishna’s true divine form, just so that he can be sure that he’s getting a message of murder from the heavens themselves. So, Krishna reveals his mindblowing divine nature to Arjuna, who falls on his knees, and says “Whoah!”.

Arjuna is now in a much more receptive mood, and so Krishna instructs him that the only thing that matters is to be faithful to the path that’s been set out before him, and to respect the awesome nature of that which is Krishna.

So basically, the lesson of the story is that, so long as you’re following someone more powerful than you, you can do anything, so long as they tell you it’s what you’re supposed to do.

It’s sort of the same as the Just War Theology promoted by my own followers. Never mind your qualms, they say. People more powerful than you have determined that it’s a good thing for you to go and drop bombs on people’s houses, and pump bullets into their bodies, and burn them alive, so don’t worry your head about it. Someone else has determined that it’s all for a good cause.

Onward march! Isn’t it wonderful?

- God

Dear God,

My best friend is about to join the military. He says he wants to be a marine. He says that it’s a path of honor and duty.

I worry that he’ll just get sent off to die in Iraq or Afghanistan, as part of this never-ending War on Terror. I don’t know what they’re fighting over there, but it isn’t terror. I worry that he’s just going to get used, and shot to hell, and come back a wreck or a corpse.

How do I convince him that he ought to stay away from the military?

- Dakota

Dakota,

Rational argument won’t do. You can point out that the marines do many things that aren’t at all honorable, like the massacre at Haditha. You can point out that no one over in Iraq or Afghanistan really knows what their duty is, anyway. It won’t make a difference. It won’t make him change his mind.

Tell your friend that if he becomes a marine, the military will become his new mommy. Military mommy will tell your friend what to do. Military mommy will tell your friend what clothes to wear. Military mommy will tell your friend what food to eat. Military mommy will set your friend up in a bunk bed in a room that you will share with some friends that military mommy will pick out for him.

Good luck. Nothing’s for sure, you know. He just might say semper fi and ignore anything you say.

- God

Dear God,

I’m in my first year in college, and I’m learning a lot of new things. My friends have influenced some of my ideas about religion, but I’m still trying to figure out who I am.

They tell me, for example, that I can still be a Christian and accept the scientific concept of biological evolution at the same time. Well, that seems kind of a weird idea to me. I mean, Genesis doesn’t mention evolution, does it?

I thought I’d ask you for your thoughts on this subject, but instead of trying to understand the whole grand scheme of biology and faith, I’d ask you to give me the answer on just one thing in particular.

God, what is the most immediate evolutionary relative of the the horse?

- Julie

Julie,

This is a very wise approach for you to take. You are correct in thinking that you can understand the relationship between religion and science by understanding the evolutionary history of the horse.

The nearest evolutionary relative of the horse is the guppy. Fancy guppies and just plain old guppies are equally related to the horse.

Now, a lot of biology professors at those fancy universities don’t want to tell you about this. They come up elaborate schemes for depicting the gradual evolution of the horse from an animal that looks like a big rat with funny toes into becoming Black Beauty.

Let me tell you, that’s not how it happened. I know, because I was there. The horse evolved directly from the guppy.

How is this possible? Well, I work in mysterious ways, so I won’t let you in on all my trade secrets, but basically I performed a miracle. You do believe that I can perform miracles, don’t you? Well, that’s what happened. I took a stream full of guppies and transformed them into horses.

You can trust me that this is how it really happened, even though there’s no evidence for it left in the fossil record. That’s what faith is all about: Believing in some things without needing all those pesky facts to interfere in the matter.

So, you see, science and religion really can coexist, just so long as you believe everything that I say. The horses and guppies prove it.

- God

Dear God,

I have to have my American History term paper done by Monday morning, but I still can’t figure out what my topic should be. My teacher says that we get extra points for originality. What do you think I should write about?

- Billy

Billy,

What a lot of students of American history don’t realize is that, as omnipresent God, I been looking over the shoulder of everybody who has ever written a term paper. So, I’ve read a lot of term papers for American history classes in my time, but there’s one term paper I have never seen written: Andrew Jackson: Secret Philatelist

He subjugated the Indians. He outraged the upper classes. He championed States’ Rights. Yet, there was another side of Andrew Jackson we never knew: Secretly, Andrew Jackson loved collecting stamps.

His father called him a “sissy boy” when he found out, and gave Young Hickory the wildest whipping of his life. “No son of mine will keep a stamp collection!” Mr. Jackson roared. But Andrew vowed that one day, he would have the greatest stamp collection in the world! It was a decision that led him to adventure, fame, and culminated in the campaign to run the British out of New Orleans. No one ever knew that it was all for the stamps.

You have your assignment. Now, write!

- God

Dear God

You say that children should be exposed to a bit of hocus pocus each night, if someone doesn’t have any Harry Potter books, would the bible be an OK substitute?

- The Atheist Jew

Atheist Jew,

Absolutely. The Bible would be a terrific substitute for Harry Potter. The Bible is full of hocus pocus. People chant different parts of it as magical incantations all the time, and Christians cast Bible verses as spells of protection against non-believers all the time.

Alakazam, Romans 13! Separation of church and state begone!
Hocus Pocus, John 6:15! Atheist be banished from my site!

The Book of Revelations has more of an Night of the Living Dead feel than J.K. Rowling would write, it’s true, but I really do like to think of the Bible as the prequel to Harry Potter.

- God

Dear God,

My Sunday School teacher taught me that you wrote the Bible, and that’s how we know it’s true, and not just some work of fiction cooked up by priests who were trying to hold power over other people.

But, now, I see over at a discussion going on at a blog about the Bible that there is a reference to the Bible being written and copyrighted in 1982 by Thomas Nelson.

Is it true, God? Was the Bible actually written in 1982 by Thomas Nelson? Do you know this Mr. Nelson? Is he a friend of yours?

I don’t know how to deal with this new information. How can I believe in a book unless it was written a long, long time ago? What should I do?

- Curtis

Curtis,

Well, now the truth is out. Yes, I claimed authorship over the Bible, but the truth is that it was written by Thomas Nelson.

Yes, I wanted to create the impression that the Bible is an ancient document, but the truth is that the Bible was written in 1982.

I know it seems crazy, but keep in mind that, as God, I am all powerful and I work in mysterious ways. What I did, see, was come up for the idea of the Bible in 1981. I was inspired by the space shuttle.

Well, I called up Thomas Nelson, and he agreed to help me with the project. We met in a diner and I wrote him down some ideas for the book on a napkin, and he went and wrote the Bible for me, and agreed that my name would be on the cover, so his boss wouldn’t know he was moonlighting.

Think hard now. Did you ever actually see a Bible before 1981? Are you sure you did? You didn’t really.

After the Bible was published, we decided to publicize it by claiming that it was of ancient origin. So, we had some photographs planted in old archives, and faked some old manuscripts describing the Bible. Then, I used my supernatural God powers to plant false memories in people, so that they would think that they had seen the Bible many times. It was a perfect marketing scheme. One morning, right when the Bible was available for sale, people woke up and looked around their homes, wondering where their Bibles were, even though they had never had any Bible before. Off they went, to buy their Bibles, by the millions.

You don’t need to change your life because of this revelation, Curtis. It doesn’t matter whether I wrote the Bible or not. It doesn’t matter whether the Bible is actually an ancient text.

What matters is that the Bible means something to you, and that you’re willing to go out and buy a few copies. I’m working in a joint partnership with Satan to open up a new level of Hell, and let me tell you, that doesn’t come cheap.

- God

Dear God,

What is your opinion on the Harry Potter series? It has really encouraged reading in children, but it encourages witchcraft. Thanks!

- Crystal

Crystal,

Well, I’m glad that you’ve asked the question in the form that you did. It shows extraordinary discernment on your part.

Yes, it is true that the Harry Potter books do encourage the deplorable practice of reading by children. Oh, how I abhor the sight of children reading, reading, reading, with their bedrooms filled with books when they could be out doing something productive, like working in Nike shoe factories in Indonesia.

On the other hand, as you point out, Harry Potter books do encourage witchcraft. While the benefit of witchcraft promotion can never completely outweight the implied license to excessive literacy, it must be admitted that the Harry Potter books are not wholly bad.

The key is responsible parental guidance. It is fine to allow children to have, and even to read, Harry Potter books, so long as an excitement of the impulse to read does not interfere with the practice of hexes, charms and magical cures. Children should be exposed to reading in measured doses, so that they know how to deal with it when they are out on their own as adults. So long as the kids get a little bit of hocus pocus every night before bed, they’ll be okay in the end.

- God

Dear God,

I can’t believe you’re giving advice on bellbottoms! After that whole “creafting” phase you went through where you cut off those Grateful Dead vintage bellbottoms to make your emergency rain gear pop up denim hats. Come on, man! Bell bottoms only look good in old Beatles videos or on Elton John. And I mean 1976 Elton, not “just float me over to the deli counter” Elton.

- Christopher

Christopher,

What a person chooses to believe about me is his own business. Are you really saying that I, God, the creator and all-knowing ruler of the universe, am not qualified to give advice on bellbottoms? What else do I have to do to impress you - destroy the universe as well as create it? Would it be sufficient for me merely to destroy the icons of fashion?

Alas, I am not in the mood for destruction at this moment. Let me, instead of tearing down, re-establish a foundation for fashion within your mind.

Bellbottoms, it just so happens, are divinely inspired. I inspired them myself.

The idea of unnecessary space around the ankles, moving in contradictory direction from the rest of the body as it walks, was something that I originally planned to do with hair. When I created the first two human beings, I intended for the leg below the knee to be covered in long hair going down just to the top of the foot, as bellbottom trousers do now.

Wouldn’t you know it, I forgot about it. Oh, I am all-knowing, but knowing and remembering are not quite the same thing. As God, I know everything, but at any given moment there is a very large number of things that I cannot recall.

So, when I created the first man and the first woman, I left the long leg hair back at the shop, and only had a few scraps with me to work with. I told the woman all about my original plans, and she was quite ashamed about the mistake, which is why, to this day, so many women choose to shave their legs.

- God